I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I too am supportive of farmers
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︎ May 21 2020
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
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︎ May 31 2020
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
βNah, itβs probably womb temperature!"
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I got fired from my job as a sports writer, they said all my articles were too short
I guess a pitcher is worth a thousand words.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high
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︎ Jul 27 2020
I got kicked out of the library for being too noisy
I tried to explain to them that I was just reading a book but the librarian said there's no reading aloud.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I come from afar too
π︎ 68
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︎ Jun 23 2020
I was told I second guess myself too much..
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︎ Feb 20 2020
I said to my wife βI hate to tell you this babe, but your bathing suit is too revealing and tightβ
She said βthen wear your own one thenβ
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I liked this a little too much, had to steel it.
π︎ 47
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︎ Jun 02 2020
My wife says I change subjects too often when I'm talking to people.
I'm glad it rained today so I don't need to water the lawn. Anyone else feel like pizza for dinner?
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was so much history between us.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 23 2020
I want to beat him up too
π︎ 30
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︎ May 25 2020
I would be too...
π︎ 49
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︎ May 21 2020
I don't want to get too complicated saying this joke
So all I'll do is complain
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 13 2020
People keep talking about eating clocks here, so I decided to eat one too while I was in line at the DMV.
Sure enough, my weight went up by several minutes.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jul 01 2020
I laughed it little too hard
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︎ Feb 16 2020
I wonder if he ate the wrapper too
π︎ 11
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︎ May 15 2020
I saw a reddit post about someone having too many Dracula figurines
I knew my brother had the same problem, but the reddit account wasn't his. I told him about it and he said it was his post, so I asked "Throw away account?" He said "Yeah, good idea, I didn't think about that"
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︎ Jun 30 2020
When my wife complained I was taking too long to paint the living room I told her she was worse than the warden in Shawshank.
She said βwell just paint it, Redβ.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 04 2020
I had to borrow my friendβs trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didnβt want to toot my own horn.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 23 2020
I told my son that he is too young to get a girlfriend...
So he got a boyfriend instead
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 16 2020
I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.
I told the cop itβs my first time knitting, so Iβm pretty slow at it.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 29 2020
When I first got my haircut I thought it was too short
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 19 2020
I ate too many rowing paddles
π︎ 8
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︎ May 24 2020
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
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︎ Apr 02 2020
I was out in the desert on psychedelics , and I started tripping way too hard. So I took an acid reducer.
It didn't help me one bit!!!!
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 08 2020
I was prescribed medication but I couldn't take it. It was too hard to get the lid off. You might have heard of it...
π︎ 3
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︎ May 17 2020
Her: Iβm done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!
Me: Iβm only forty, love.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 15 2020
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
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︎ Mar 25 2020
I want the normal one too! (Op u/ItsSrikerOMG)
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Not my joke but I love this too much not to share
Shout out to anyone who doesn't know what the opposite of in is
π︎ 34
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︎ Mar 18 2020
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.
I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.
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π
︎ May 06 2020
I told my daughter she was drawing her eyebrows too high
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
I gain too much weight around the holidays
I need to stop eating cold turkey
π︎ 21
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︎ Apr 29 2020
I love Africa too
π︎ 34
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︎ Feb 11 2020
I'll try to cell this one too you...
What did the cell say to it's sibling when she stepped on his toe?
My toe sis...
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 04 2020
I trimmed my beard too short.
I wasnβt sure about how It looked but it grew on me!
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 30 2020
I wanna watch too...
π︎ 75
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︎ Jan 13 2020
I'm offended too
What did the fence say when someone said something mean about him?
"That's offensive"
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 06 2020
I keep sending my information to the bank but they claim itβs too crooked to read.
They need to get their fax straight.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 18 2020
I made the decision to not date the girl with skin lesions on her face too hastily...
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 30 2020
My friend knits portraits of famous people. I told her the eyebrows are too high ...
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 24 2020
I wasnβt too excited when I caught on fire.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 06 2020
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
π︎ 159
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︎ Jan 26 2020
I was always bothered with the spelling of 'Wii' in Nintendo Wii. It felt like they were trying too hard to be cool and hip by spelling 'We' with two ii's. I don't know why but it just makes me cringe when corporations try to be edgy and relatable.
As for the console, it was aiight.
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︎ Mar 22 2020
I donβt know why, but thereβs just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too
This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 26 2020
My daughter asked me why I don't tell any dad jokes. I said they were too dull...
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Last St. Patrick's Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 17 2020
My friends tell me that sometimes I can be too talkative. They think I make a lot of unnecessary comments
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 28 2020
I just squeezed the shampoo bottle a little too hard
Head and Shoulders on my knees and toes, knees and toes
π︎ 20
π
︎ Mar 12 2020
Some people say I'm too vague
But you know how the saying goes.
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︎ Jan 10 2020
Some say my soup is too thick and I'm too pessimistic
I just don't put a lot of stock in soup.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 23 2020
I once got severe pain in my head from inhaling too much of steam.
π︎ 18
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︎ Mar 11 2020
I don't let my kids go online. There's too many PDF files on there!
π︎ 114
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︎ Dec 03 2019
I got sick from taking too many supplements for my anemia.
π︎ 37
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︎ Mar 03 2020
I don't really like the rodeo. It's too fast-paced for me.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 28 2020
Murray Christmas Everyone!!! (Side note- I don't take credit for this, but it's too great not to share)
π︎ 20
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︎ Dec 25 2019
Pun appreciation because the guy Iβm seeing is too slow to get it
him: ugh I wish you could squirt
me: wtf I donβt call out all your flaws so donβt call out my short cummings
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 06 2020
The Wife is leaving me, says I'm way too obsessed with Astronomy...
...I mean, what planet is She on !!
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 17 2020
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee
Better latte than never I suppose
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 01 2020
Either I'm too tired or I'm just stupid, but can someone explain this pun to me because I don't get it.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 19 2019
My daughter keeps complaining that I'm too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
π︎ 62
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︎ Dec 25 2019
I tried zesting a lemon for my recipe, but I cut too deep...
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 09 2020
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I returned it for a new one, free of charge
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 04 2020
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 28 2020
I'm not too sure about this Australian Prime Minister
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 07 2020
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
π︎ 50
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︎ Jan 11 2020
I wasnβt too sure how comfortable my new couch would be.
π︎ 23
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︎ Jan 24 2020
I can't tell if my tea is too strong or too expensive
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 12 2020
I donβt know too much about brooms,
I guess I should brush up on my knowledge.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me
Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
I wood split it too
π︎ 98
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︎ Aug 29 2019
I imagine pteranodons enjoyed getting stuffed on holidays too ;)
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 28 2019
While I was grilling, my son asked "can I get pickles on my burger, If it's not too much to ask?"
π︎ 30
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︎ Nov 06 2019
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 22
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︎ Jul 01 2020
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high....
π︎ 103
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 102
π
︎ Mar 20 2020
While visiting the museum, I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
π︎ 81
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︎ Feb 28 2020
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
π︎ 124
π
︎ Feb 18 2020
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
I told my wife she was drawing her eyeliner too high
π︎ 30
π
︎ Feb 05 2020
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 13 2019
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 91
π
︎ Nov 18 2019
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 28 2019
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