A list of puns related to "How to Cook That"
A cannibal lecture.
So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.
Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.
Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".
Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.
In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.
It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!
Today I have outdone myself. When asking my sister how her day went, she said that she learned how to cook an omelet today and she said she did really well on it. I then said "next time, omelet you cook breakfast." I swear the look of disgust on her face could turn milk sour, and I couldn't be any prouder of myself.
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡Me: I’m making salmon with capers, that work?
Wife: yeah, just hold the capers for me
Me: How long am I supposed to hold them for?
I was kicked out of the kitchen and she cooked. Worth every second.
Wife finally agreed to cook breakfast and asked "What kind of eggs do you want?" (How do I want them cooked?).
After pondering for a moment I responded: "I think Chicken eggs today".
By that time she was slicing a bagel with a knife and with a furrowed brow made threatening motions toward me with the knife... :-D
Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr
... keep reading on reddit ➡Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
Peter Johnson took a job at a Chinese Restaurant, and was learning how to make all the items on the menu. He did great on most dishes, but some of the notes all ended with the word "smackdown". Since he was confused, he asked one of the other cooks about it.
"Jian, why do all of these recipes have 'smackdown' as the last step?"
"That's easy. When you smell what is cooking, you drain the wok, Johnson."
She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.
She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.
"I guess that would make it filet MELON."
Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
MISTY: How golfers create divots
PARADOX: Two physicians
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
POLARIZE: What penguins see with
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
My son had a few clams on his plate that didn't open when they were cooked and he asked how to open them. I told him to use mussell power.
Happy Father's Day /r/ DadJokes
Before dinner last night, I was teasing the kids about how we were going to have them for dinner. My daughter (4yo) had a moment where she was afraid I was serious and might actually cook her in her sleep, so I took a moment to assure her that we would never, ever eat her, and it was always just a joke.
Relaying this to my wife during dinner (partly so she'd know to be a little extra careful when making that kind of jokes for a bit), she told me "Making jokes about eating the children is in... wait for it... poor taste."
He ordered a burger.
Server: "How would you like that cooked?"
Dad: "On the grill, preferably."
Dad had to clarify that he was just joking because the server was dumbfounded. Server said he didn't laugh because if my dad was serious and he did laugh, he'd be in trouble.
Dad: "I'll have the steak diane"
Waitress: "How do you want that cooked?"
Dad: "like this" pretends to be shaking a frying pan whilst making sizzling noises
Waitress: Genuinely laughs
"Make sure you find a girl who knows how to read a map."
"...why is that, Dad?"
"So she can tell sooking, fooking, and cooking aren't cities in China."
He laughs, I stopped laughing about a decade ago.
I'm in the kitchen cooking for new years cutting thyme as this occurred..
Dad: "When did you learn how to cook?"
Me: "Ehh, I have a little extra thyme on my hands"
Dad: "Hmm, sooo that's why you never wear a watch"
I thought I had him stumped... I was wrong. I will forever learn from this man.
Working as a waiter, I have a couple of wonderful/awful/wonderfully awful jokes when customers place an order. For example...
"Can I please have the rabbit pasta?"
"Oh I'm not sure I'd recommend that, there have been numerous complaints about a hare in their food."
And for the steaks...
"How would you like that cooked?"
"Well done."
"Thanks, but I'm just doing my job."
I either get laughs, confused looks or groans; most of the time I get a combination of the three. But since I'm childless (19 seems a tad young) I have to get my dad jokes out somehow.
At dinner we were talking about Kobe beef, and how expensive it was. I said that I would be quite nervous if I had to cook one.
My son asked why, to which my wife replied "the stakes are too high!"
I was cooking one of those pre-packaged pasta side earlier, and the wife asked if it was ready yet.
Me: "The pasta has to stand for 2 minutes.......... But I'm not sure how it's going to do that without any legs..."
Wife: sigh
We were driving back from celebrating my daughter's first vocal solo with ice cream and we noticed a new billboard. The billboard read "Santa wants bacon this year". I said that was a brilliant idea. It would break up the sweet with some salty. My girlfriend said "what about bacon cookies? " to which I replied "How else are you suppose to cook them?" They both groaned loudly.
I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)
Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.
When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"
While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"
He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"
Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.
I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.
Me: Dad, how do you want me to cook your eggs?
Dad: Politician style.
Me: What's that?
Dad: Over sleezy.
So she loves cooking and decided to make this spicy chicken soup that you put over rice. So I'm eating and she asks
Her "how do like it"
Me "its really good"
Her "I tried something different with the broth what do you think?"
Me "I like it, its just a good thing you didn't have anyone helping you"
Her "what why?
Me "because too many cooks could spoil the broth"
I then continued to sing it and she hates me and the song/video.
if the server asks "how would you like that cooked" my dad will usually reply with "alive". If the server doesn't get the joke, and asks for some sort of clarification, he says "I want to hear the cries of pain from here."
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