The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
My housemates are convinced the house is haunted
I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.
π︎ 143
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
π︎ 75
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
π︎ 55
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︎ Apr 19 2021
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 12 2021
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
What kind of house can you pick up?
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
π︎ 78
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I just bought a Van Gogh haunted house.
I have a eerie feeling about it.
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 17 2021
How does a penguin build a house ?
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 14 2021
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 04 2021
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
π︎ 400
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︎ Feb 09 2021
What kind of slippers does Aquaman wear around the house?
π︎ 19
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︎ Apr 09 2021
What couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi....
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 12 2021
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
The pipes in my house leak
I think they are whistleblowers
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Why is Trump not allowed in the White House anymore?
π︎ 32
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︎ Mar 28 2021
Lightning struck our house last night.
π︎ 18
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My house was painted a bright purple, so I changed it to brown, then purple again...
I went back to the fuchsia
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Iβm having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says βnamaste.β
π︎ 51
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
π︎ 234
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︎ Feb 13 2021
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
π︎ 118
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︎ Feb 23 2021
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
What do you call a small insect that bites Muslims in their house of worship?
π︎ 15
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︎ Apr 05 2021
Last night a thief entered my house looking for money
-What did you do?
-I started looking with him, I needed money
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 20 2021
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I saw a murder outside my house today...
All the crows were just sitting in my tree...
π︎ 20
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︎ Mar 11 2021
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
π︎ 149
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︎ Jan 29 2021
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?
After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.
My son sighs and says, "the living room."
High five buddy, you got me.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course! Houses can't jump.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
What did the beaver say when he saw his house on fire?
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Auntie went up ladder into high part of house. High part of house not so strong. High part of house have dangerous things. I worry about Auntie. She up there long time. Later Auntie come down ladder, safe. Whole event was..
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
I was experimenting with the power grid of my house
The results were shocking
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 08 2021
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
π︎ 19k
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens
My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 09 2021
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
π︎ 367
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︎ Jan 27 2021
What do you call a house that always tells the truth?
π︎ 19
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︎ Mar 21 2021
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
What does a house wear
π︎ 129
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
How does a penguin build its house
π︎ 116
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︎ Feb 18 2021
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