Horse pulling Puns

Must have been hauling a$$.

An Amish drive by shooting.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

He's normally filled with dad jokes, but today was a bit more than usual.

Physics problem about horse pulling cart

Teacher stands up on table and makes horse noises

Class laughs

Teacher: What? I'm a horse! It's a bit of a long tale!

Class laughs

Teacher: but, let's stop horsing around and get to the mane point!

Student: You're on a roll today Mr. Teacher!

Teacher: No, I'm on a table!

Later on in class

Teacher: As you can see forces come in pairs! Pulls out a pear and opens it up revealing F and -F on each side

And then later on

Student: Hold on Mr. Teacher, I'll fix the calculations.

Teacher grabs onto desk

Teacher: When can I stop holding on?

Just a typical day in physics for me.

We were towing a trailer in a very underpowered van, and in front of us was a car towing a horse trailer. I said "they're pulling away from us.... but they do have a few more horse power."

She wasn't amused.

Within animal puns, we provide you the funniest bundle of fish puns

What did the fish say when he posted bail? “I’m off the hook!”

Why don’t fish like basketball? Cause they’re afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octopus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

Why don’t fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? To fish for compliments.

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies.

What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? Damn!

Whats the best way to catch a fish? Have some one thow it at you.

How do you make a fish laugh? Tell a whale of a tale.

What happens when you drink like a fish? You piss like a fire hose.

Did you know the Octopus is the only fish that can squirt ink? Just Squidding.

What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!

What did the fish say when he posted bail? “I’m off the hook!”

Why don’t fish like basketball? Cause they’re afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

Why don’t fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers

My dad keeps a Kentucky State quarter in his pocket at all times. He will pull it out of his pocket and hand it to somebody. When they look at it, he will ask if they know what kind of horse is pictured. Once they respond with whatever breed they think it may be, he responds with "No, it's a quarter horse of course!"

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

Sø, I hêárd yöū lìkë föréigñ açćēńtš

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

We're at a red light and the truck in front of us is pulling a trailer with two horses in it. We are just looking at the back of the horses.

My Dad: "What an horses ass that guy is"

My Dad: Looks at me

My Dad: Winks.

I'm 26.

I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.

We took a right on Cambridge Ave.

Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."

Groans.

As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"

Groans.

Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."

He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.

Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.

He lives in a somewhat rural town and someone he knows rode his horse through town today. As he pulled up next to him he asked " How many miles to the gallon does your MUSTANG get?"

So proud right now.

So I'm sitting in my sophomore English class watching a video about chariot racing. The chariots were pulled by 4 horses.

Friend: wow, that's like 4 horsepower!

groans