I have a pet crow named Michael Rowe who own a collection of miniature microphones arranged in a horizontal line ..

It's my crow, Mike Rowe's micro mic row.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GraemMcduff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2022
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I bought a pride flag for my wall, but I don't know if I want to hang it vertically or horizontally...

I'm really questioning my orientation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceTwenty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2022
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Why didn't the horizontal axis hang out around the vertical axis?

He didn't want to run into his X

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Wolf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2022
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The shirt
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πŸ‘€︎ u/K1llERM0DS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2022
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I passed my exams with ease

English - E Math - E Science - E History - E

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2022
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When a man walks into a bar. Is the bar Vertical or Horizontal?

Thank you for taking this opinion POLE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDyoyo83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
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I saw a horizontal axis today and felt uncomfortable.

We used to date.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxieturt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I saw a horizontal line being rude to me.

I said, β€œYou’ve got some latitude.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kernel_panic_guys
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My friend was taking a pretty horizontal path in life, but I never understood it.

All I could ever do is wander Y.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckbelvis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I wonder how computers measure horizontal movement

Guess we'll need some x-position to find out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Splaaaty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...

It'd make cents off so many levels.

/edit:rephrased punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I don't care what anyone says, on a digital clock, the lower horizontal bit on the 8 is better than the middle or top bit...

And that's the bottom line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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During WWII why was Russia so horizontal

Because they were Ex-Axis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dotrod-Tod
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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Dolphins have horizontal caudal(tail) fins, and sharks have vertical caudal fins so I guess you could call the caudal fin a...

Tell-tale sign

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnePunchFan8
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
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What does a deaf gynecologist do?

He reads lips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BootyBruiser49620
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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When Lil Uzi Vert lies down...

Does he call himself Lil Uzi Horizont?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstleyAstroplane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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How do you lie?

Horizontally

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agent-51
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2021
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A robber breaks into a bank

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

β€œI c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, β€œHOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, β€œYou let your guard down”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewMadMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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Why did the fan say no to Paul McCartney’s marriage proposal?

Because it could only oscillate horizontally

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimakkan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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I'm not fat..

Just horizontally tall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_leg_number3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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How do you sleep?

I went to buy a bed and the sales lady asked me if it was for me. I told her that it was and she the asked how I usually sleep. I told her I usually sleep horizontally since vertically doesn’t really work for me....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pardon__Moi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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My Dad should be the king of this subreddit:

I told my family via our family Whatsapp chat group that I had just found out that one of my wisdom teeth had decided to grow horizontally into the root of the next tooth requiring both teeth to be extracted. My Dad replies with this.... https://imgur.com/a/XbGg5KB

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noguarde
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Got a twofer on the wife today.

Driving into work, we see a vehicle with stickers for oars/boats on it placed in a horizontal manner.

Wife: "Looks like that guy likes to row."

Me: "Huh. I prefer columns myself."

Wife: (groan) "So, you like to column?"

Me: "Yeah, on the phone. I leave a message if I can't get a hold of 'em."

Wife: (GROAN) "You're the worst...but I love you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zero44
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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I was with my dad at a science museum many years ago

one of the exibits was showing kids centripital force by them putting a penny or nickel in a slot and watching it roll around a tube and be held against the sides even when it was rolling horizontally. really cool stuff

my dad looks at it and says "man, talk about money down the drain."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gygaxfan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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