A pyromaniac from my hometown accidentally killed himself in a fire, but nobody even showed up to identify the body.

I guess he urned it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1P221
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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There was this shop in my hometown located where two streets met, they sold things like embalming tools and other specialty tools for working on dead bodies. This store was also known as....

The Coroner Store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnJukes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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So I walked past a store in my hometown that sells only balloons

...and I thought to myself "what clowns are keeping this business afloat?"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I found this Sun Studio in my Hometown in Germany.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackThursday29
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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Jane hated her hometown, Down

So one day, she right up left Down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmlrmlchess
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I love my hometown bakery.

They always seem to have exactly what I knead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsKilLikeMine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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I recently saw a documentary about someone leaving their hometown and starting a new life half-way across country.

It was moving.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunter_Penguin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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My hometown is currently having a sale where all the shops put merchandise on the sidewalk at discounted prices

Me: Oh look, the sidewalk sale is this weekend.

Dad: Why would anyone come into town just to buy a sidewalk?

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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A shoe store burned down in my hometown the other day.

Those poor soles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatBallsOFire
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
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Dadjoked on a visit to her hometown

GF is pointing out different buildings in her hometown when I point to a factory.

Me: What's that?

SO: Oh that's just a plant.

Me: No dear, that's a building.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vndrwtr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
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Why do they keep fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get it!

This is one my dad said literally every time we drove past the grave yard near my hometown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackgroundCow8631
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Don’t forget to tip the waitress
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesDesign11
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I’m ready to wok and roll.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off

Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.

This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.

"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GringoDeMaio
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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A French guy was telling his American friend how he just had got a promotion...

"Nice" - the American guy said. Then the French guy replied:

"What does my hometown has to do with it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gigadude17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Was feeling punny at work

Customer: Are you from hardware? Me: No, I'm from instert hometown

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norsbane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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Pizza place

So a pizza place was robbed in my hometown and it was all over the news. When my dad saw this is, he responded with: "I wonder if they got away with the dough"

Still laughs to this day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/C11Scriber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Artie the Contract Killer (long)

A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all of this unfold from the hidden cameras around the store. By the time the manager was dead, the police had arrived and arrested Artie. The following day, the front page of the local newspaper read, "Artie Chokes Two For One Dollar at Your Hometown Grocery Store!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marriedwithkids96
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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My Dad's seasonal joke

There are lots of parks in my hometown and whenever summer rolls around lots of people congregate on them. To prevent litter becoming a problem the local council puts out more bins.

Whenever anyone comments on the "summer bins" being put out, my Dad ALWAYS says "Summer bins, some aren't!" and laughs for about half a minute.

I think he's laughing at how bad the joke is and how little fun the rest of us get out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabulousGeorge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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Got my wife at the liquor store

In my hometown liquor store there is a big sign on the door "take your hoods off" meaning the take the hood on your jacket off of your head so they can see your face. My jacket I was wearing has a removable hood, so I unzipped my hood and carried it with me. My wife didn't find it anywhere as funny as I did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigsaskatuna
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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My Dad emails my brothers and I almost daily..

Subject: Finally

"Starting to get a bit warmer in (Hometown.) All of January, it has been snow, wind, below zero temperatures, wind chills of minus 40. (His Wife) does nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. Couple of times the weather was so bad I had to let her in."

http://i.imgur.com/fDEnAdM.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckedAsBored
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
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One of my friends showed his dad aptitude over lunch today.

I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.

Friend 1: "Sarah"

Friend 2: "Shawn"

Future dad: "Sam"

Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)

Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.

Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.

Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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My dad is a dadjoke dad through and through. He usually doesn't get me but this one needed some recognition from my behalf.

My mom was showing him pictures of my cousin on her phone that had sent her pictures in front of a famous ice cream parlor back in our hometown. It was the parlor's 9th anniversary and my cousin was pictured in front of a big "9" in the store. My mom was explaining to my dad that the place had been open for 9 years and my dad replies with...

"Wow, that's impressive. How did they get the ice cream to not melt all this time?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bendary3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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