He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.
Because he was very good at orienting objects.
(Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
You are not C-sian or B-sian! You are A-sian!
Son is working on math. Currently working on negative numbers, which is below his level (pun intended).
Wife says, "He is really bored. If you can think of anything to say to help that would be great.
Me to son, “Hey buddy, I know you are working on negative numbers and that is boring. Try to stay positive.”
When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.
I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.
“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”
I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.
...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.
Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".
He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun
Good one dad.
He placed 10 of his best puns hoping at least one would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough.
My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims.
I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd.
So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work!
My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me!
"he chortled at his own pun."
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
Because it'll blow his cover
Each has a cigarette, but nothing to light it with.
So one man throws his cigarette into the water, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
His condition has been described as stable.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Now that I am a dad as well I thought I would pass on his favorite joke, bear with me cuz its long, but worth it...
A poor man who lives in a straw hut wants to to impress his neighbor. So he works for 3 months, enough to buy a fancy chair at the market. He calls his neighbor over for dinner one night and has him sit in the chair at dinner. He asks his neighbor, " isn't this a very nice chair? " To which the neighbor replies "it's okay i guess"...
Heartbroken, after the neighbor leaves, the man takes the chair upstairs and puts it in a closet and thinks.. maybe it was not a nice enough chair...
He then works 6 months, leaves his little straw hut and hitches a ride to the city and buys an extravagant chair with velvet padding. Once again he has his neighbor over for dinner, this time the neighbor says "it's nice, but I've seen better"
Sad, the man stores the chair in the upstairs closet. But the man could not be deterred.
He then worked for an entire year, left his little straw hut and went all the way to the capitol and bought a gaudy, gold painted chair with lion motifs and silk pillows.
The neighbor comes over to dinner and says. "Wow, what an ugly chair!"
Furious, the man grabs the chair, marches upstairs and throws it in the closet with such force that his entire straw hut collapses.
I guess people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...
My thoughts are with his family.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
He felt his presents.
So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,
"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"
Bartender checks his ID, replies with,
"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:
We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."
"POP! Goes the Weasel."
I am a construction manager, and a couple years ago my boss asked me to go meet a new subcontractor who we had never worked with before. When he arrived to the site he had a younger guy with him. He walks over and says "Hi, my name is Ron Anderson, and this is my son, Ron". I couldn't stop myself. I looked this stranger dead in the eye and said "Well, you know, two Ron's don't make a right!".
Neither he nor his son were amused. But they still did the work. Honestly, though, how many times in your life are you actually going to get the chance to say that. Carpe diem.
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.
His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.
He couldn't control his pupils.
It's a teste mint to his determination.
Sir Longbottom of Yorkshire, England has 20 horses in his stable. 9 are males and 11 are females. Why are them 11 females scary?
So I said "it depends on which pier you mean. Can you use it in a sentence?"
His reply: "Yes. How do you spell pier?"
It's a movie about an old man turning his house into a hot air balloon
His real name is Keith, but he has an eye missing.
Hi-ya!
The bartender says to him, “We don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”
So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.
Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. “What did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”
And the rope replies, “A rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”
First One: My name is Nate, his name is Nate too and we are looking for a job opening, both of us.
Interviewer: (checking out their resume) But there's only one position available.
Second One: Ah, shoot!
Interviewer: I'm sorry, it's very un-for-two-Nate
His pants fit like a glove.
Now I understand why; his name was Matthew.
Trying to help my friend come up with a fun slogan for his new company, he's going to be doing home repairs
So far I have:
-Get a fix
-We know the drill
I feel like there's a whole family of awesomeness i'm just not hitting on. why am I so bad at this. help.
Man who has been going to the same bar for years tells his drinking buddies that he has decided to travel the world to view every farm tractor ever made. They all know his love for farm machinery and are quite relieved to be getting rid of him as he bores them half to death with his knowledge of tractors. 5 years later the man goes back to the bar after traveling the world seeing every tractor he could find. The barman looks at him and enquires as to why he looks so glum after achieving his life ambition, He explains that seeing every tractor has taken the shine off his hobby and he doesn't want or need to see anymore tractors. Just then there's a loud bang and the bar starts filling with smoke. Everyone is panicking except our man back from his travels who tells everyone to not panic and stand back, he then inhales all the smoke walks outside and blows all the smoke away. His buddies are amazed and ask how he managed to do this amazing feat, He explains. Simple I'm An Ex tractor fan.
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a lot.”
And another:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a great deal.”
His explanation was music to my ears.
There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting “Drink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again “Drink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said “He should have quit while he was a head”
He got rabbits tattooed on his head so from a distance they looked like hares.
but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
He felt his presents
Me: hi Dad. My Dad: hi Dad. Me: but you're my Dad.
