I Made this today i think it belongs here I couldn't stop laughing while making it πŸ˜‚
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.

Police say he may be following a pattern.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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In honor of my dads birthday today here is this joke.

After my dads 61st birthday card, he said one would of been fine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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Well she's not here today so I can risk it!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?

Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal.

Me: My truck.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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I made this up today hope its alright here

Went to the bird store today Went to the cage section and one caught my eye. It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it. I asked why it was so much?

The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disturbed56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Did you here about the kidnapping at school today???

It's fine, he woke up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coop0606
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Couples Counsellor: So, what brings you here today?

My wife: I can’t stand it any more. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.

Sorry, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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My father pointed at these boots at the store today and told me 'they're half off'. Thought this deserved to be here.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thicc_boi37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Here's one I made up on the spot today that I'm proud of.

So we were at the mint and I was asked 'do we need to pay for parking here?'

I said: don't they make enough money here?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-Bus-dr1ver
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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Doctor : So, what brings you here today ?

Dad: A car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarallama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Local donut shop here in Michigan, where it snowed today.
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Here’s a dad joke I made today: when someone says a word incorrectly, say β€œI see that pronunciation isn’t your forty”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeFifi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."

He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"

I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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As today marks my fathers passing here is his greatest...

Sitting passed out in his chair in the nursing home, dying from Alzheimer's disease, my father the Lutheran pastor farts as loud as can be and looks up tiredly and says.. "What'd that asshole say?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PirbyKuckett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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My husband’s adding to his stash of dad jokes for our future childrenβ€”here’s an especially eye-rolling example when we were walking back from class today.

I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.

DH: Oh man, they’re adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much they’d gopher....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lifeinsuitcase
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"

I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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With all the upsetting news in the world today, here's something to cheer you up.

something

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manHeath
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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Saw this one on FB today, and knew it belonged here

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hareline.

slaps knee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisecarcinoma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
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New dad here: nailed it at work today

Walking with a coworker talking about my 6 week old son Miles:

Coworker: Seems like Miles is progressing quicker than most at his age. He's got some good genes!

Me: Good khakis, too.

Not my best work, but again: new dad here. You gotta crawl before you can walk!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubstylee43
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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I usually text my girlfriend when I'm walking up the stairs to her apartment, and today I sent her this. I then realized the path I'm taking leads me to here.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chase0602
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Here's one fresh from today: (as I'm eating a bagel) How do Jewish people keep their bagels safe?

They put lox on them. Badum-tsss...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snophie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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Not sure if this has been here before, but it popped up on my dashboard today...

http://i.imgur.com/PTQiPpB.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chiiwa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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