I Made this today i think it belongs here I couldn't stop laughing while making it 😂
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
In honor of my dads birthday today here is this joke.
After my dads 61st birthday card, he said one would of been fine.
Well she's not here today so I can risk it!
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I made this up today hope its alright here
Went to the bird store today
Went to the cage section and one caught my eye.
It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it.
I asked why it was so much?
The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.
Did you here about the kidnapping at school today???
Couples Counsellor: So, what brings you here today?
My wife: I can’t stand it any more. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
My father pointed at these boots at the store today and told me 'they're half off'. Thought this deserved to be here.
Here's one I made up on the spot today that I'm proud of.
So we were at the mint and I was asked 'do we need to pay for parking here?'
I said: don't they make enough money here?
Doctor : So, what brings you here today ?
Local donut shop here in Michigan, where it snowed today.
Here’s a dad joke I made today: when someone says a word incorrectly, say “I see that pronunciation isn’t your forty”
I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."
He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"
I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"
As today marks my fathers passing here is his greatest...
Sitting passed out in his chair in the nursing home, dying from Alzheimer's disease, my father the Lutheran pastor farts as loud as can be and looks up tiredly and says..
"What'd that asshole say?"
My husband’s adding to his stash of dad jokes for our future children—here’s an especially eye-rolling example when we were walking back from class today.
I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.
DH: Oh man, they’re adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much they’d gopher....
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"
I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.
With all the upsetting news in the world today, here's something to cheer you up.
Saw this one on FB today, and knew it belonged here
What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
slaps knee
New dad here: nailed it at work today
Walking with a coworker talking about my 6 week old son Miles:
Coworker: Seems like Miles is progressing quicker than most at his age. He's got some good genes!
Me: Good khakis, too.
Not my best work, but again: new dad here. You gotta crawl before you can walk!
I usually text my girlfriend when I'm walking up the stairs to her apartment, and today I sent her this. I then realized the path I'm taking leads me to here.
Here's one fresh from today: (as I'm eating a bagel) How do Jewish people keep their bagels safe?
They put lox on them. Badum-tsss...
Not sure if this has been here before, but it popped up on my dashboard today...
http://i.imgur.com/PTQiPpB.png
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