Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?

Because it's volume increases

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAX3344
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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My wife asked me the best way to heat up her leftovers

I told her to put some hot sauce on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemonloaff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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If you heat up a Panzer enough, will it be a gas tank?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wirt2004
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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My girlfriend told me to heat up the chilli in the fridge for dinner.

I asked if I wasn't better off heating up the chilli in the microwave. No response.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnyBhoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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It’s weird how direct sunlight heats up my car while the air outside is well below freezing.

The sun must be some kind of space heater.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/00Steven_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Why don't surfers heat up their food?

They don't like microwaves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuicyLemon4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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Why do you heat up shawarma before you eat it?

Otherwise, it'd be called Sha-cold-a.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamaicancovfefe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
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I bought soup to heat up for dinner...

Wife: Can you man the soup while I make the grilled cheese? Me yelling at the soup cans: BE A MAN!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthebar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
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What do you call something you sit on that can heat you up or cool you down?

Seating and chair conditioning!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/domsquad
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
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Can you turn the heat up, Dad?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Distorted_Pancake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: β€œSure, my door is always open.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My wife heated up a cup of coffee "just for me"

It was Lukewarm

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I was heating up chip dip when I spilled some on my feet.

I guess you could say i had toasty-toes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfgamer333
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!

So I called up Dewalt and they said: β€œnot to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”

REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sydtheslothe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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I find with the weather heating up, whether I stay inside or go outside...

I’m getting Spring Fever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/isleag07
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I was cold in the house and asked my Dad to turn the heating up. He said β€œGo stand in the corner....

... it’s 90 degrees”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WasntSureAtFirst
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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Did you hear about Australia heating up to 50Β°C?

It's a pretty hot topic right now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JesterJesterson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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It's heating up!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondStorm410
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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Did you guys watch the news? Someone poured oil all over a major Jordanian city and heated it up.

It was Petra frying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chadnav
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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People get so heated up about whether the milk comes first in tea or cereal

Personally i prefer that the tea comes first, then the milk, and then the cereal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ductxtape
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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I was at a debate for global warming the other day,

Boy did things heat up in there.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Today I fell into my own sword, and a pleasure it was.

Babysitting my niece in this heat I wanted to be nice and go out for ice cream. So, I start off with "Hey.. I was thinking.." and before I could finish this 6-year old says "Yeah I thought I smelled something burning", without ever looking up.

The sick irony is that I read this one online and was saving it to roast her. I'm proud, but sad. Of course that doesn't mean my campaign of horrid jokes came to an end!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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My wife and I started arguing as to who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started to heat up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
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My dad argued with a stove

The conversation really started to heat up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/izanomel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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How mad does the Earth get after people throw garbage at it?

Heats up and storms off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryzikx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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So my Dad just dropped this one on me...

My Dad has been staying with me for the past few days because his heat went out and I don't want him to become a dadscicle, and I've been up to my armpits in Dad jokes. This one was especially good, I thought.

Dad: "I'm going to run down to the gas station, do you need anything?"

Me: "No, I'm fine."

Dad: "Candy bar?"

Me: "Nope, I'm good."

Dad: "Henway?"

Me: "What's a henway?"

Dad: "Oh, about 3 and half pounds."

Groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smartzie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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Ice cubes are anitisocial.

They always disappear when things are heating up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cratoreat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
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Dad made this one today while cooking..

While heating up corn dogs in the oven, he cuts off the top to see if the center is warm. He proceeds to say, "Look, its Jewish."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iron__giant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2013
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Go stand in the corner.

Me: Dad it's freezing in here, can we just turn up the heat! Dad: Why do that when you can just stand in the corner? Me: How does that help me at all? Dad: Because corners are always 90 degrees :D! Brother (in the kitchen): UGHHHHHH

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ltj10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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One my Tata (grandfather) would be proud of.

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky chain store. Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a super cute kelpto who has too much fun stealing. Other than that she's perfect. Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10Β° out.

Stores closed so they don't have the heat on but, I have a set of keys. We get into an argument about it. She tells me to help her steal at least one thing from the freezing store or she'll split up with me.

I break into a cold sweat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matt-The-Mage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
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Christmas Dad Joke

My Dad told this one a few months ago during a family dinner...

During the Cold War, an American ambassador and his wife were having dinner with a Russian ambassador and his wife. The meal was going well and everyone was having a good time until the American looked out the window and commented on the weather, "Looks like it is snowing outside." The Russian, named Rudolph, replied, "No, it's definitely raining." The debate went on for a few minutes and became quite heated until finally the American's wife spoke up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maniacdrew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we are known for our speed!" gloated the one sperm.

"Nein! It vill be I! I hail from the right testicle - known for its efficiency!" yelled the other.

"Well we lefties are known for our cunning, I will definitely out maneuver you!"

"The right vill be VICTORIOUS!" "Nein! the left vill be TRIUMPHANT!!!" "LEFT!" "RIGHT!" "LEFT!!!!!" "RIIIIGGGHHHTT!!!"

Finally fed up from the constant bickering, a sperm from the front of the load yells

"OH VAS DEFERENS DOES IT MAKE?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EwThatsABoysName
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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My dad making fun of me for the time I broke rice

When you cook rice at too high a heat, it "breaks." This has followed me [female, btw] all my life as proof of my lack of cooking skills. One day, he was bringing this up, and the weekend before, I had made perfect scrambled eggs. So I retorted, "I can make eggs." To which he replied. "Yeah? But why are we talking about your reproductive system?"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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Made breakfast for the family...

My daughter waited to put butter on her toast, but it was too cold to melt the butter. I heated it up in the microwave, and told her "now give it a minute, because its a little toasty."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nub98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gwildcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Vulgar Dad/Uncle Joke

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swimfan09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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