Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?
Its a two part series that's quite revealing.
Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence?
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁
Did you hear the joke about the blunt pencil?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not going to spread it!!!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? I found out why it happened.
He couldn’t see that well.
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Did you hear about the blind carpenter?
He picked up the hammer and saw.
(my dad told this all the time. I am continuing on with the tradition...)
Did you hear about Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend breaking into an animal shelter and releasing a bunch of huskies into the wild??
Turns out it was The Who that let the dogs out
Did you hear about the guy who burnt down the pants factory?
They say he committed mass jeanocide.
Did he hear about the detective who went rampaging through the city?
He left a trail of deduction in his wake
Did you hear the score of the game between the ocean and the beach?
Did you hear about the riot at the circus?
The fighting was intense.
Did you hear the secret joke that only the FBI, CIA, NSA and MI6 know?
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was great.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Eh, nevermind. It's tearable.
Why can't you hear the psychic going to the bathroom?
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
Did you hear about the fight between 2019 and 2020?
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize!
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
Did you hear about the lettuce farmer who was murdered on his way to the farmers' market?
They found his romaines at the scene of the crime.
Did you hear that all cats have the same favorite color?
Yep. Apparently it's purple.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?
Did you hear about the workaholic cop who got handcuffed by his colleagues because he refused to take a lunch break?
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!
Did you hear that Vanessa Williams got robbed the other day?
They need to stop Robin Williams
Ever hear the tale about the angle less than 90 degrees?
Did you hear about the chemistry teacher who became upset?
Apparently he told a dad joke in class and it got no reaction.
Did you hear about the guy who only dated women named Esther, sometimes more than one at a time?
He identified as poly-Esther
Did you hear what happened to the coin theif?
He got caught for penny crime!
Did you hear about the prisons new creative writing department?
Did you hear that someone kidnapped Sting?
Currently the police have no lead.
Did you hear about the church musician that lost his instrument?
He was really dis-organ-ized.
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison?
News paper headline read “small medium at large”
Did you hear about the buffalo who gave birth to a child that was attracted to both men and women?
Did you hear about the shoe factory that burned down?
Luckily no soles were lost.
Let’s hear it for the shovel...
Truly a groundbreaking innovation
Did you hear about the son who tried to stab his mother while she slept? Fortunately he missed her with every blow, the knife plunging over and over into the bed.
The police ended up charging him with attempted mattress-cide.
Did you hear Remington and Winchester are merging?
What to hear a joke about paper?
Did you guys hear about the robot who got arrested?
He was charged with battery
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable.
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