A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notagoodspelller
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patientโ€™s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patientโ€™s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkeyโ€™s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldnโ€™t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Swanbrother
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youโ€™re

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kmaff90
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Where do you find the most fish? โ€ฆ

Between its head and its tail.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cwwspurs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Iโ€™m glad to say you wonโ€™t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words โ€œI have a cunning planโ€ marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I donโ€™t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing โ€ฆ

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, itโ€™s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing โ€ฆ until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we โ€ฆ spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is โ€œa case of sour grapesโ€ โ€“ and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! Heโ€™s so exciting, donโ€™t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think heโ€™s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Why is a dog like a penny?

Because it has a head and a tail

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/akshaypbhat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughterโ€™s mom was pregnant with herโ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popโ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, โ€œOmigod Iโ€™m as big as a house!โ€

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

โ€œWell, baby girl, if youโ€™re a house then youโ€™re my dream home...โ€

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldnโ€™t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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My witty father got me with this long-con

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/acollins144
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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My 12yr old daughter saw a dead raccoon on the way to school this morning,

I said lets stop, get its tail and she could bring it in for show n' tail.

She slowly lowered her head and face palmed.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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A new kind of deer

My dad had just come inside from doing yard work. He says, "I was walking around outside when I saw a snake in the yard, but it was missing both its head and tail and I was wondering what kind of animal would do that. Then I realized it was a deer! ...A John Deere!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Littlereds
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2014
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While cleaning fish one day....

My dad is a all around generally funny guy but for me one of the funniest things he said to me was once while he was cleaning a bunch of fish he had caught. I was watching with wonderment how quickly he was going through the catfish he had caught that day. He was very seriously removing the head and skining them and gutting the fish. He had one particular fish's head on the cutting board seperated from the body and he had the completely gutted body of the fish in one hand and the garden hose in the other. He was running water on the inside cavity of the fish and the tail was twitching back and forth, he noticed my amusement at this and said to me with a sly grin,"they don't like that cold water on their belly." This may be one of those you had to be there moments but I thought it was hilarious at the time.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Elliott70
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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