Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree thatβs draped in bacon. βA bacon tree! Weβre saved!β He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasnβt a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Oct 27 2022
We all have that friend who does anything he is asked to do.
Not surprisingly, his name is Matt.
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︎ Aug 08 2022
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 09 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jul 28 2019
The preacher always was a bit of a pushover and people pleaser. Which is why we were all surprised when he drank a whole bottle of lye.
Guess he just really wanted to be based.
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︎ Apr 22 2022
I needed to get away from the city so I visited my grandpa, who is a rancher. We were tending to the cows and I told him I needed advice. He said that we'll talk later, but then turned away and said, "get a long little doggie."
I've been so happy with my dachshund. Best advice ever.
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︎ Dec 02 2021
We went to pick up our curbside grocery order, and the lady placing the bags in our trunk saw my son in his rear facing car seat. She said, "Oh my gosh, he's so cute! What's his name? Is he walking? Can he talk?"
I replied, "Those are pretty strange guesses. But no, his name is Raymond."
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︎ Aug 25 2021
We all know Bruce Lee is fast, but little did we know he has a brother that's uncertain
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 06 2021
My dad tells people his name is Sam at every restaurant we go to so when they call his name he can say "Sam I am"
He does this at every restaurant. He has been going to the same Starbucks for about 7 years now and to this day they still think his name is Sam.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Mar 07 2015
My mom's personalized number plate says "ISβ₯οΈED" and we always believed that it was short for "Is Loved." But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant:
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︎ Oct 15 2019
We got a new dog yesterday. He was a rescue and we're so glad to make him a part of our family. 'I think the transition is going well.'
'But your mother thinks it's been ruff.'
π︎ 8
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︎ May 16 2021
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot whoβs been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 09 2020
My son hates my dadjokes. This just happened: we were watching Marvel Avengers and I said, "why is he called Thor ? He shouldn't be". My son asked why not.
"He should be called Hi-Ki. Because he is Lo-Ki's elder brother".
He nearly cried.
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree thatβs draped in bacon. βA bacon tree ! Weβre saved!β He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/β¦
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Wife and I are at my sonβs yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand masterβs name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, heβs not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks Iβm damaged in some way.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 17 2018
My son gets really excited when we go to the natural history museum. When he gets near the prehistoric bones, he just explodes with excitement and I can't deal with is new strength.
I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 22 2019
My dad is a big fan of Marvel comics, and we were watching the latest Avengers. He kept saying "Thanos is going crazy son, just watch it...
... he will snap anytime now."
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 14 2018
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that is draped in bacon. βA bacon tree, weβre saved!β he says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasnβt a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 06 2021
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 86
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 12 2020
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