Where do bartenders go to have a smoke break?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have avocados get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replies, "They had avocados."
Mario’s lawyer tells him that he won’t have to go to prison if he agrees to pay some money as a penalty instead.
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
Where to Egyptians go when they have a sore back?
When you have a big family and you're the last to go poo...
I put my child in their cot to go to sleep and now I have to pay a million bucks to get them back!
Turns out it was a kid-nap
my family wanted to go on a vacation this year but we don't have the money.
Everything is so expencive i chose a free time share as our last resort
Less a dad joke, more a dad observation.... People lament on the first fish evolving to live on land and wish it had just stayed there so we don't have to get up early to go to work.
But then we'd have to go to school every day.
I used to be able to go to the store with only a quarter and come back with a carton of milk, but now I have to pay five whole dollars.
Some people blame inflation, but personally, I blame the security cameras.
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
Where do donkeys go if they have a medical emergency?
Where does a sheep go to have his haircut ?
When you mess up on the first go but you have a good recovery
Today I was reaching for a board game from our shelf. The one on top of the pile quickly slid down and hit me in the face. It was that game where you go around in a car and add family members, choose a career, have kids, etc.
A painful reminder that LIFE comes at you fast.
A man and his son go to the optometrist and both have the same prescription but can't afford two sets of glasses.
His solution? "I wear my son's glasses at night..."
I have a go-to friend for all my question of a medical nature.
Where do you go when you have a bad case of sea sickness?
I have decided to go to a city in SW France to study history and art.
I figure, what do I have Toulouse.
Do u think if a British person heard an American person go “ugh I have a bloody nose” they would think “we all have noses you know”
Credit goes to my friend who made the joke
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?
People have a misconception that if you take the shell off snails, it will go faster...
But they just end up being sluggish.
Edit: Don't thank me, the wife laid this one on me just now. I told her was going to post this on reddit, she said we've run out of stamps.
I have a great business idea but i need someone to help me. I go to the toilet and you tie up bits of string.
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
When I have a problem, I go to a chemist
They usually have the solution.
Where do people who have seizures in the middle of a "Peek-A-Boo" game go?
They go to the ICU.
I'll show myself out.
You shouldn't go around saying how everyone should have a job and their own accommodation.
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
What do cats and dogs do when they’re watching a movie and have to go to the bathroom?
Do you have to go to school to drive a train? or do they just TRAIN you on the job?
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
Why do you have to wear a jacket when you go to a coal mine?
Because it is coal inside
Normally if I have a problem, I like to go and think about it on the local carousel.
It usually helps, but I feel like I’m going around in circles
What do you call a place turtles go that don't have shells?
Why did the comedian have to go on a diet?
Because he was addicted to snickers.
If a kid refuses to go have a nap...
...are they guilty of resisting a rest?
A large bee hive can have over 10,000 bees. Where do all those bees go to use the bathroom?
Why can't the guy who does inventory for Lipton go out and have a beer after work?
Because he is a tea totaller.
My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
Isn't a bit odd that you have to go completely off the grid to get away and recharge yourself?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks: “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He said: “They had avocados.”
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
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