Hard sell Puns

YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?!

My friend invited me over to play the new Zelda, instead we played a fishing game. I feel like I got the bait and Switch.

She said "What's he doing? Is this normal??? It isn't even Easter".

I said "Oh him? That's Egg-Sell-Ent"

I guess it's a Nietzsche Market.

Long time lurker, first time poster, but I’ve stolen plenty of good ones from here so maybe y’all deserve some of the credit too.

My 9yo and I were picking pecans at my parents house today so he could sell em and have some money for a Lego set he had his eyes on. We dropped off a batch and weighed them and he was accidentally standing on the scale so it was over 100lbs lol. Later, when picking some more I was teasing him…

Me: when you were on the scale today, it was like 115 pounds and I was like “whoa that’s a lot of pecans” then when I realized it was you, I wondered if you maybe you were just made of pecans. 9yo: pause … yeah, because I go nuts 😎

I literally laughed out loud. Not sure if I’m more proud of him for the hard work picking pecans or a better dad joke than I’ve ever done.

I went up to the manager and asked why did he still have those and he replied “oh.. those are hard-to-sell-sir”

So is selling hard liquor

I told him it's not my fault they're hard-sell candy.

Being a dad to a newborn is very hard. It’s a lot like learning to play the piano: at first it seems impossible and you can’t believe millions of people have done it. But you keep at it and after a while you either become good at it or you sell it on the internet.

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

I am a manager at a place that sells frozen treats. At work one day a team member was knocking frozen fruit in to a box, he had to hit it pretty hard to get it out. So I told him "show that fruit who's boss" after this stopped leaned in to the fruit to say "hey fruit" then pointed at me "thats the boss". Quite a proud moment for me.

This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this.

I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town.

There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area.

Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said "yeah, I know," and carried on.

Then I raised my hand.

He called on me, and I began: "So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying? A church accountant or one of the clergy or something?"

"Yes, whoever owns the account itself."

"Would that be considered a 'holy chit?'"

The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears.

Probably my finest moment.

He was explaining how he didn't want to sell his apartment because the building it was in was really solid;

Him: "It's just really sturdy. It has no faults, you know. It has no flaws"

Me: "NO FLOORS?! THEN WHAT DO YOU STAND ON?!"

I then proceeded to slap my leg and laugh good and hard.

I'm selling my ranch style home and a couple came for a showing today.

Me: so do you like the house?
Husband: yes we like having everything on the same level.
Me: easy, medium, or hard?
Couple: momentary puzzled looks followed by simultaneous eye rolls.
Me: ear to ear shit grin.