Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was not worth the trip.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/I_Think_Naught
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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A pirate wanted to celebrate his captainโ€™s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, โ€œArrr! That was a costly mistake...โ€

โ€œWe lost a lot of doubloons.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Unfussed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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"I've come here to hand over this abandoned cygnet that I rescued and raised"

Animal shelter: "Nice swan".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eormada
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and asks for his change.

The man behind the counter says, "No, change must come from within".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MohanBhargava
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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My friend threw his hands up over this joke

My friend: youโ€™re loading

Me: youโ€™re loading!

Friend: you want to say that again?

Me: no...I was going to make a computer joke, but I froze.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/backdatupmel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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My daughter brought her first boyfriend over and I shook his hand.

I said, "A handshake says a lot about a person, and yours was weak."

He said, "Your daughter's handshake is good."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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4 year old daughter came over to me with her shoes in her hands and said "Daddy, can you put these on?..."

Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.

After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"

[Helped her stuff her feet in]

"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"

......ike dthis?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robinson217
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
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A walking treasure chest full of gold grabs a random man and hands him over to a polite redditor. Redditor says:

Thank you for the stranger kind gold

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hanu_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Gotta hand it to them, they've been punny for over 100 years. imgur.com/4kXIOa9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KarmaDied
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2018
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The other day, for some reason unknown to me, I was pulled over by a local police vehicle. I rolled down my window and placed both hands on the steering wheel and waited. I noticed that the officer approaching the car was a woman...

When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"

Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"

I answered, that I didn't.

She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."

Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"

I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robinson217
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"

"We wouldn't want your water to break."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mikestorm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
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Filled a sauce container at work and got it all over my hands

Refilling our spicy thai sauce and got it all over my hands. A phone call came in and the manager asked if I could get it. I told her:

"sorry boss, my hands are thai'd"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HebrewHammer_12in
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

Me- โ€œYou gave me one too manyโ€

Shopkeeper- โ€œthat one is a freebieโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shadynasty94
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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This thing has been handed over
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AJSaporno
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him โ€œHow come thereโ€™s no charge?โ€

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/linknt01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. โ€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I canโ€™t pay for this drink. Letโ€™s make a deal, if my dog can talk then youโ€™ll let me have my drinks for free.โ€ The bartender states, โ€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!โ€ The man in response states, โ€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didnโ€™t study for a test?โ€ The dog, โ€œRuff!โ€ The man carries on the bit, โ€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! Youโ€™re in a rough situation when you donโ€™t study!โ€ The bartender, โ€œNow boy donโ€™t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog canโ€™t talk!โ€ โ€œWell here, Iโ€™ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?โ€ โ€œRuff!โ€ The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, โ€œI wonโ€™t ask again sir.โ€ โ€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?โ€ โ€œRuff!โ€ The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, โ€œsorry spots, I guess he doesnโ€™t believe you can talk...โ€ The dog looks up, confused, โ€œmaybe I shouldโ€™ve said DiMaggio.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DorkeyTree
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2021
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I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, ''Lobster Tails ยฃ1.5" so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said...

"Once upon a time there was this lobster..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simplyGagi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. reddit.com/r/Jokes/commenโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blazinfastjohny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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In our relationship I make sparks fly everyday

I run my wet hands over electrical outlets!

Credit to the young guy busting out one-liners to his girlfriend on the Central Line the other day.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HaykoKoryun
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2021
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Midwife, handing over the newborn baby: Make sure you support his head.

Dad: Sure. What a great head you got there. Well done!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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A few thousand years ago, a Greek man walked into the local tailor shop and handed over several tunics.

The tailor picked them up, raised an eyebrow, and asked: "Euripides?"

Sheepishly, the customer nodded and replied, "Eumenides?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuotidianQuell
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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Fast food restaurant takes a few minutes,...bag gets handed over with, โ€œSorry about the wait.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s not heavy at all!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mistermajik2000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
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I thought I had a foolproof method for high stakes Rock, Paper, Scissors...

... Now I'm losing money hand over fist!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Erubadhron89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where thereโ€™s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. Thereโ€™s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldnโ€™t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesnโ€™t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy heโ€™s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, โ€œThank you.โ€

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

โ€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/silashoulder
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Microwave

(noun) A hand gesture used by a midget as a greeting.

Cool, that midget over there just gave me a microwave!

^{Source: ^Bullwade ^Anguish ^Dictionary}

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BinBender
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I'll stick to my ribs

A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.

"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.

Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dazmo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A ninja joke

There are two ninjas. The first ninja looks at the second ninja and says "Hey, can you hand me that throwing star over there?"

The second ninja says "shuriken!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him โ€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.โ€ He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining โ€œjingle bellsโ€ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. โ€œRudolphโ€ โ€œFrosty the Snowmanโ€ โ€œDrummer Boyโ€ even โ€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausโ€ in the best impersonations heโ€™s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. โ€œ No no honey this works watchโ€ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. โ€œNO honey it really works watch!โ€ โ€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmasโ€ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. โ€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!โ€ He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out โ€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hipphazy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

โ€œExcuse me,โ€ I said, โ€œI couldnโ€™t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?โ€

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, โ€œItโ€™s Wales!โ€

โ€œNo offense intended,โ€ I replied. โ€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/schoonerw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ehrivei
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts โ€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!โ€

Cashier 1: โ€œWhat do we do?โ€

Cashier 2: โ€œDo what he says, I think he means business!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Titsonafish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A man and a women order a McDonalds

The man orders a Big Mac and a large fries. His wife orders a single cheeseburger. When the woman finishes her burger she glances at her husband. He has finished his burger and is moving onto the fries.

Still hungry, she looks at the fries and asks, 'Do you mind if I have a couple?'

He sighs and says, 'I suppose so,'

So she reaches over and takes a handful. The husband turns to her and asks, 'Is that a German couple?'

Confused, she responds, 'What is a German couple?'

He says, 'nein' as he slides his food out of her reach.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Joe4nna
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because theyโ€™ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his โ€œpromposalโ€ special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that sheโ€™s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, heโ€™s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesnโ€™t return his feelings? What if she thinks heโ€™s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and heโ€™s even more anxious. Itโ€™s dark, itโ€™s loud, itโ€™s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks itโ€™s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying sheโ€™s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if sheโ€™d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like heโ€™s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesnโ€™t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 71
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuiltedButts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Betcha $5 I can move that bottle with my mind...

"No way, dad!"

knocks bottle over with hands My mind controls my hands. Now where's my $5?!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/breakone9r
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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I went into a pet shop and asked for a dozen bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

"You've given me one too many." "That one is a freebie."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sirlukethemodest
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says โ€œIโ€™ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but Iโ€™m getting nothing. Whatโ€™s your secret?โ€

The other man says โ€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmmโ€

The first man says โ€œWhat?โ€

The other man spits something into his hand and says โ€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/02K30C1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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I went to a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

Me: "You've given me one too many"

Shopkeeper: "That one is a freebie."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ALizardKing
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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