Bison.
Me: Audios!
"So long sucker"
Leder, hosen.
Calculator!
^don't ^hit ^me
"Auf Wheatersehen!"
...He's going to make America grate again.
Him: See ya, Dad!
His Dad: That's spanish for city!
Calc-u-later!
See... you know it's a dad joke when the shit-eating grin spreads across your face when you come up with the joke and doesn't fade after all your children roll their eyes at you... after you tell it for the fourth time... in a row.
after some time he said goodbye to his friend, Reese Wither
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ The father says, โGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ The daughter says, โJust because I felt like it.โ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโt believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโs prayers again. She says, โGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โJust because I felt like it.โ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโt know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโt go home and stays there until midnight. Heโs very surprised. โIโve cheated death!โ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โWhere have you been?!โ and the husband says, โOh donโt ask me any questions, todayโs been miserable.โ The wife replies, โYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโฆโ
And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."
The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.
A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."
Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."
A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"
Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"
The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"
~this is my first post so โฎ(โโฝโ)โญ ~
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.
"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."
My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."
Those were his last words.
I said, "If I'm saying goodbye to someone I like it's usually a longer one."
So a dad walks in on his daughter praying. She said, โI pray for mommy, I pray for daddy, I pray for grandma, and goodbye grandpa.โ The dad didnโt know what she meant. But the next day, the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence, until the next day the daughter said, โI pray for mommy, I pray for daddy, and goodbye grandma.โ The father thought it was odd but went to bed. The next day the grandma died. The dad was terrified, he heard the daughter say, โI pray to mommy and goodbye daddy.โ The dad the next day was restless. Then, at night he realized nothing was going to happen. He said to his wife, โ I had the most horrible day.โ The wife replied, I did to the milkman died at the door step today.โ
They were going to help unload hay bales that are delivered there once a month. As she was backing out of the garage, I waved goodbye and yelled, "Tell everyone I said hay!"
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didnโt scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didnโt have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "Iโm so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."
There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said โMike, come over, nobody's home.โ So I went to her house and she was right, there wasnโt anybody there."
That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"
Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."
Thank you for your time.
If your son goes to say goodbye to his stuffed owl and you say, owl see you later! You might be a dad.
We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!
Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!
The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!
That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!
I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!
He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.
He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.
Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!
My son is almost 2 and he likes to say goodbye to absolutely everything. We were watching airplanes fly by and this happened:
Son: Bye, plane!
Me: That's not a biplane!
Arghhhdios!!!
Friends an I came up with it today while trying to figure out how to say goodbye to one that was dressed as a pirate.
Happy Halloween everyone!
Saying goodbye to my friend I haven't seen in a long time who is now a PA in urology:
Him: If you need any Viagra just let me know!
Me: That's not a problem...yet. Not gone wood! (Sounds like "Knock on wood" when you say it)
We were laughing and hating me at the same time.
I was telling him about how I needed to go say goodbye to a good friend of mine tomorrow. My friend is a new second lieutenant of the US Air Force and he's leaving to go to his assignment soon.
Boss: Hey, how many lieutenants are there in the Air Force?
Me: I don't know. A lot I guess.
Boss: Well, I think it's pretty cool that he came in second.
My groan sounded a lot like laughter.
My Dad, my step-mom, and I visited my step-sister in Montana(we live in Washington) where she goes to school. We had a fun weekend with her all throughout Missoula. My step-mom and step-sister have a a really close bond so when it was time to say goodbye it was tough for them and they both started crying. My dad said something close to "Look now your mother is crying," to which my sister says "Why are you worrying about her I have to walk through people like this." To which my dad hits her with the most dad joke of a dad joke I've ever heard him say. "Why don't you just walk around them instead?"
Hey guys. I need help with a pun, I've been thinking about it for a while and haven't come up with it. In Portuguese you informally say "xau" when you're saying goodbye to someone (sound's almost as the Italian "ciao"). I have a friend who always makes this funny pun when we're going our separate ways, he always says "Xau-sescu" (Ceauศescu - as in the Romanian dictator) and for a few months I've been looking for a nice comeback to that pun. I was looking for a way to incorporate the name of a dictator and the word "goodbye" (in any language possible), but so far I haven't been able to. Could you guys help me out? In my native language, Portuguese, I haven't come up with anything cool (my knowleadge in dictator's names is also not very vast).
Thanks!
Went in for surgery early this morning and the anesthesiologist came in to get me prepped for surgery.
Anesthesiologist: Alright we're ready for him now so time for goodbye hugs and kisses.
Dad: But we just met!
Laughs were had by all.
For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day.
A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him "Can you say goodbye, have a nice day! in a long sentence?" (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice "goodbye... have a nice day... in a long sentence".
The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed...
Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon!
I think I "invented" this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time.
I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me.
> Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up.
> Me: [Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply.] [Completely seriously.] Oraline? So, I put the drops in my mouth?
> Doctor: [Quizzically.] No, no, no, you put it in your ear!
> Me: Oh, I read the name, and "Oraline" sounds like something you'd take orally.
> Doctor: Nope, in the ear.
> Me: [Remembering my dad joke.] It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics.
The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left. I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before.
My wife is making lasagne and was about to put it into the oven.
Her (to my son): "Say goodbye to the lasagne overkill_jnr!"
Me: "Say Pasta la Vista"
This got a hi 5 from my boy and a dirty look from the missus.
(They are both older guys the clerk was talking about his hair going away)
The judge said "Your hair is looking a little wavy... one side is waving goodbye to the other"
Every morning, my son waves me goodbye by the window. This morning, this happened.
Son: wait dad! I want to say goodbye at the window!
Me: no need, it isn't going anywhere.
I was on the phone last night with an old friend from high school, and as we are saying our goodbyes after a decently long conversation, I say,
"Hey before you go, did you hear about that guy who got his whole left side cut off?"
Her: "no..? Oh my god what happened?"
Me: "oh, well he's all right now."
Her: groans "You haven't changed." Hangs up
Not sure if it's exactly a dadjoke, but it gets a groan from everyone I tell it to.
Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.
They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.
While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.
I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."
The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"
Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".
He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.
My parents and a friend were over for dinner. My friend drives a Honda Element. Parents said goodbye and walked out to their car... Dad walks back in and says, "Hey bud. I think you're a little out of your element!" (He walked back in for that joke! Smh)
At a birthday party and a girl was leaving. As she was saying goodbye she said "I have to go get food for the week."
A dad at the party looks at her, "why can't the week get its own food?"
Me and a friend had somehow gotten the bear in the big blue house goodbye song stuck in our heads.
I go to look up the official version and this transpires:
Friend:So is that just a guy in a suit?
Me: No, it's a guy in a BEAR suit.
As I was saying goodbye, he says "oh wait, one more thing. What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated... you know... like the coffee!" It was all I could do to not let out a groan.
During the goodbyes my Dad said "We'll make sure to put out a welcome... Matt next time you come down".
After a few seconds to unravel the monstrosity that had just left my Dad's mouth, we groaned and walked away.
This might sound a bit weird, since this discussion was in Finnish and I apparently wasn't clear enough. My SO was leaving my place for work and we were saying goodbye, with some standard goodbye-fondling. It was time for him to leave for the bus and this discussion was had.
Me (declaratively): Time to put it in (the) pants. ("Laitahan se housuihin.")
...
Me: YOUR pants! ("SUN housuihin!")
