Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: “What, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. “Evenin’” says the barman, “why the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?” The barman says: “Hmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” “Why, what have you got?” “About £2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

“I’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. “We don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

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👤︎ u/Punsville
📅︎ May 04 2017
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Jimmy Carr
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

  • I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

  • I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

  • At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

  • When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  • A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

  • Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

  • Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

  • British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

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📅︎ Oct 20 2013
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Some of the best from my family

At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.

  • Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
  • Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
  • Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.

While watching a baseball game:

  • Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
  • Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
  • Mom: Shut up.
  • Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

In regards to meatloaf my mother made:

  • Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
  • Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.

While eating at relatives' house:

  • Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
  • Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.

In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:

  • Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
  • Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
  • ...
  • Grandfather: It's too small...

When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:

  • Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.

After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:

  • Me: What did she want?
  • Dad: You want the long or the short version?
  • Me: Short.
  • Dad: Nothing.
  • Me: Ok long version.
  • Dad: Nothing much.
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📅︎ Apr 16 2014
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Got friend at Wendys

Sitting in booth, after ordering some chicken wraps.

Me: Start unwrapping the wraps and eating.

Friend: Looks up, "So how's your wrap?"

Me: "Oh its good, just not enough verses."

Friend: Proceeds to stare blankly at me for a couple of seconds, then bursts into laughter after getting it.

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👤︎ u/Aralakh
📅︎ Mar 07 2015
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Dad joked coworker. Not good at telling stories.

My coworker offered me their sandwich because I forgot my food and they had already eaten.

A friend dropped off a snack, but it wasn't enough to hold me over through my shift. The sandwich coworker was going home and handed me his sandwich before he left saying, "you better eat this whole thing."

So, I ate it during that shift. I walked in and saw him the next day. He asked, "did you eat that sandwich from yesterday?" I said "Yeah thanks" he said "Good, because you didn't have a choice, i would've been pissed if you wasted it" to which i responded, "Yeah it turned into a duty"

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👤︎ u/kalcif
📅︎ Apr 16 2014
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At Korean Barbeque today...

I went to a Korean BBQ restaurant today to celebrate my birthday, and one of the things this restaurant is known for is bringing out a lot of side dishes. Like 20 of them, to the point that there's no way we could finish it all.

So after we eat the manager comes around and asks how we liked the food.

>Dad: The food was really good, but I have a problem with the side dishes

>Manager: Oh no, I'm so sorry, what was the problem?

>Dad: There weren't enough of them, the selection was too small!!

At this point he starts doing the dad laugh, but the manager still didn't realize he was kidding, so my mom had to butt in and say it was wonderful. Hope we didn't offend or anything -.-

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📅︎ Aug 21 2013
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