Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."

"She became a little spore addict."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I dated this girl for a while but I broke up with her because she was crazy...

She kept saying things like, "Stop calling me Laurel. My name is clearly Laurel." I'm going to miss that pretty blue dress that she always wore, though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/antagonist_aaron
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed.

Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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Every Girl...

My buddy Dan hated this picture.

I told him he had it wrong, because....

https://preview.redd.it/a8938op039o31.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1efb0347ef57317f3ca2ca41199518c677207bb

.... "Every Girl Crazy 'bout a Shark Dress, Man !"

(spins guitar on belt buckle)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zman4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Standing at the bus stop with my boyfriend

A girl was running to catch the bus wearing a fur coat - in AUGUST. Me: "is she crazy? She must be Russian." Him: " Well I guess she wasn't Russian enough for that bus. Heh heh heh!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/desideratumm
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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My first dad joke way before I was an actual dad.

My friend started dating a new girl. I said, "What's her name? He replied "Tali. Kind of different."

I asked him, "How's it going?" He said that they had fun at first but she was getting clingy and he might have to break up with her.

I said, "Well, if she gets too crazy, we'll have to impose a... Tali-ban."

Real story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/54Piscium
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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Dog biscuits

Went to the gardening store today as I needed some stuff for the garden (duhh), anyways when I get to the counter there's a small basket with some fancy ass dog biscuits. I grab a small crumbly bit and chew on it, and then tell the cute girl behind the counter.

"You know what? These things don't taste like dog at all"

She looked aghast at me, and started laughing like crazy, and got some weird looks from her manager.

I should have got her number...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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Uncle joked my nephew

So the men in my family and my nephew, who's 13, we're helping a family member move yesterday. Afterwards, we were sitting around chatting, and they start asking my nephew if he has a girlfriend, and he said he didn't because the girls at his school were all crazy. So that's when I told him, "it's ok, I used to date a Russian doll, but I broke up with her because she was too full of herself." Groans were had all around. My dad was proud though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LT_DANS_ICECREAM
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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