"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
Gary
His son was Garydos.
He was dead Sirius.
It’s called Matcha the Day
That's the best thing about Christmas - chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Gary.
At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.
Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled “Heater?”.
Gary replies, “Yeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.
No you're not Gary. Put some pants on.
...SO NUMAN IS OLDER THAN OLDMAN BUT OLDMAN IS NEWER THAN NUMAN!!!
We just need to figure out where to sign our kids up.
You may be entitled to condensation
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡Gary Oldman
The Pharcyde
My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!
My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."
I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"
Groans and laughs ensued.
Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?
http://imgur.com/4UjnpPq
My dad Gary responded:
"Thanks man, but I wasn't even running. I was walking."
Edit: Woah, this blew up more than I expected. Thanks, guys. I'll make sure to thank my dad for the fake internet points for a joke that made me groan. He's gonna love it.
For example, glitter.
Killed 200 bobs.
Credit to a commedian on mock the week, I think it was Gary Delane but I can't be sure
Groom: After me...
Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?
Bride: No, his name is Gary.
Call Gary.
They are telling me I have Gary Busey.
I am proud to say I hit one of them
-Gary delaney
Credit: Gary Delaney
Hanging out with him and the kids this morning when I found out he's gonna make a great stepdad
Me: Did you know when you get married you can change your last name to anything?
Him: So my name will be Gary Anything?
I was meeting the bride's uncle and he looks a lot like Gary Oldman
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Gary Oldman?
Him: Oldman? Darn, I want to look more like Gary Youngman.
While myself and my family were watching The Walking Dead, my Dad asked us this question:
Dad: Speaking of dead people, did I ever tell you about my Gary coworker's boyfriend's last wish?
Me: No, what is it?
Dad: He said that he wants to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over his boyfriend's chili.
Me: ...wat?
Dad: Yeah, he wanted one last rip through his asshole towards the end!
Yeah, I laughed. And I'm not ashamed.
Whatever I said,
Whatever I did,
I didn't mean it.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it....
