Now I'm Baroque.
Wanted to share one with the community.
Scenario: We are coming up on a railroad crossing in the car.
Dad: Hmm, train just went by.
Me: What? How do you know?!
Dad: I can see his tracks.
As a little kid I thought this was the funniest things ever.
He said "Styx and the Stones may break my bones..."
The Canadian replied gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm not very good with puns or words really but I'm doing a project with my kinder class and need some kid-friendly puns that include classic adventure book titles and bears... The only title I can think of is, "Bear-y Potter and the Soc. Stone." Can you think of anymore?
He makes cultured pearls.
He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric. When they respond with "no," he'll tell them:
"That's boyfriend material."
It was just too big.
We were talking, and then she looks at her pants and notices a small hole at the knee.
Her: Aw man, my pants have a hole in them.
Me: Well yeah, how else would you have gotten your legs in?
Groans were had by all the parties involved.
So I'm at a friend's house and his parents are there. He introduces me and then his dad takes over.
-- Hi just_another_juan I'm Luis, and this is my wife. Most people call her Veronica but I usually call her on the phone.
EDIT: Grammar; extra word.
A classic Abbott and Costello routine, from their first movie, One Night in the Tropics, where Bud Abbott shows that he’s not above running a quick scam on his friend, Lou Costello, in order to make a few dollars.
In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded
"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."
I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.
This morning my friend and I were exchanging conversation about what our dad's usually do to prank us on April 1st. My dad always calls and says he was in a horrible car accident and broke a limb. It's never funny, but he laughs and laughs so I go with it. My friends Dad however is a classic Dad-joke type of Dad. This year, my friend tells me: >Friend: My dad said Mr. Lion called for me
>Me: Mr. Lion eh?
>Friend: Yea he gave me a number to call, but I haven't called it yet.
>Me: I'll call!
I get the number from him, and the automated message service for the San Diego Zoo clicks on. It's pun-tastic, a fun, and non aggravating April Fools joke.
I make my friend and his dad do this one for me all the time because it pisses my friend off.
Friend's Dad: Hey, got any pets?
Friend: I have a newt...
Friend's Dad: Cool! What's his name?
Friend: sigh Tiny.
Friend's Dad: Why'd you call him that?
Friend: ...
Me: SAY IT, DAMN IT.
Friend: ...Because he's minute (my newt).
Me and Friend's Dad: HAHAHAHAHA CLASSIC
Friend: I hate you so much, Fez_Master...
I am M2F trans with 2 kids. Although I am very fem, the dad jokes still sometimes slip. Tonight, I was speaking with a friend on Facebook and this classic came out while talking about my job hunt and seeking a position with Hanford and/or Bechtel (a nuclear facility)
"Hopefully I'll get at least an interview. I hear that it's a pretty toxic environment, but if you're in, it's a big nuclear family"
"Did you get a haircut?" "Yeah, well I actually got a whole bunch of them cut" "...You know I've killed people for less than that..."
Well after 1984 I didn’t have much energy for The Idiot anyways.
Nothing, it just waved.
My wife was talking about her friend one day and said, "yeah, she has two half sisters."
To which I responded, "so she has 1 whole sister??"
There was much groaning.
I got a bloody nose during a soccer match yesterday, and upon coming back from the bathroom my friend asks me if I'm ok.
"Yeah, I'm alright," I say.
His dad jumps in and says, "Actually... he's half left, too!"
I was at a friends house when her dad pulls this one:
Friend: "I went to Q barbecue the other day and I saw that girl Destinee I went to high school with, she is definitely pregnant!" Dad: "Looks like she'll be having Destinee's child...."
Classic.
