Dad brings home a nice framed photo. Me: Hey dad, are you going to put it up yourself?

Dad: No, I'm going to put it up on that wall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prasaadii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine

His name is Jack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeri5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Let me know if any of these make you laugh!
  1. What's a dentist's favorite time? Tooth-hurty!
  2. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  3. I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
  4. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. Wow, it was tense!
  5. All my lamps are gone... and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
  6. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  7. Chemists give the best advice, they've got all the solutions.
  8. A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”
  9. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
  10. I had to make these bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Did any of them make you laugh? Don't tell me no pun in ten did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrujaBean
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Did you all hear about the robbery at the picture gallery?

Apparently, the robber stole some cash and a large frame, but as he was leaving he threw the large frame at a customer.

When the police showed up, the customer said,

β€œIt wasn’t me! I’ve been framed!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daily_prophet09
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Donkey walks into a bar and sees there’s a horse in the bar as well.

Donkey starts speaking to the horse, β€œSo what do you do?”

β€œOh in the summer I do racing and in the winter I do the showjumping.” says the horse.

Donkeys thinking, holy shit, this is a thoroughbred.

β€œWhat do you do?” Asks the horse.

All embarrassed the donkey says β€œoh... uh... well in the summer I give rides to kids at the beach”

They chat a bit more and arrange to go round the donkey's house for drinks next week. Donkey's thinking to himself he’s got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up.

Horse comes round and goes β€œOh this is a nice house you’ve got, that’s a nice picture too”

Donkey says β€œOh aye, that’s when I played for Juventus”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skubbags
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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I was Dad joked by a 6 year old a couple days ago.

I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.

He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"

But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"

Hah! Gotem!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMe_Dig_Baddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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My Dad just dropped this one while watching the news...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jake261
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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Put it up...

I love this one. I went to buy a new picture frame, and when I brought it to the register to pay, the clerk said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

I replied, that would be uncomfortable, no it's going on the wall."

ZING!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrettinger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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I recently moved out, and decided to text my dad a status update.

Me: "So I finally got my bed up on the frame. Not sleeping on a mattress on the floor anymore."

Dad: "Moving up in the world.....literally."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0vAix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
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My Dad pulled a TWSS.

We were at Visionworks yesterday getting my glasses prescription updated, and I was talking to the saleswoman about glasses care.

"Should I buy one those little frame screwdriver kits? In case my lenses fall out or the frame busts?"

"Well, Laff_Like_Peter, I think that's a bad idea. Those kits are flimsy, and the screw heads break off all the time. Getting your frames adjusted is free if the come in, I wouldn't feel right selling you those useless kits. Come on in if your frames have an accident, I'll give you a good screw".

My Dad, who was sitting quietly next to me, pipes up "Better be careful with what you say". The saleswoman was mortified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laff_Like_Peter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2014
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My dad on bicycles.

I approached my father, who was obviously preparing for a ride on his clearly dad-bike, by strapping a lunchbox full of granola bars to the frame, and spoke the words that perfectly set myself up for a dad-joke attack. I asked, "Going for a bike ride?" Boom. Total mistake. "Nope, just taking it for a walk. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esh484
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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Awkward encounter at Lowes today

I was purchasing a Square and level, an older man comes up to me and says "Don't worry I think you're innocent............. because you're obviously framed." I had to think for a while and he explained it was funny because of the tools I had in my hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diddy403
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Two-for-one Yoga dadjoke vs momjoke

I was building a new deck at the back of my house for a grill. Then I decided that it needed a counter for food prep, holding beers, etc. Well now that I have a counter, wouldn't it be great to have an outdoor fridge? Yes, yes it would. Needless to say, the size of the deck got a little out of control.

My wife sees the framing going up and says, "What do you need all this space for?"

I say, "Grilling meat and relaxation."

She responds, "Are you planning to do yoga while you grill?"

I say, "Yes. Downward Hot Dog."

She quips, "Careful, you wouldn't want to burn your little Warrior."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/texasdonut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
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