She's still not talking to me.
I was definitely going to need a new boat.
She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
I don’t like her dial tone.
Rosemary gave me some Sage advice - "Thyme is the greatest healer".
It was at that moment I realised that he was the favourite twin.
But it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
It didn’t feel right
“...don’t go with anything.”
My dad never makes “dad jokes” but, he actually said this yesterday and I’m so proud.
Dirty bastards
Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds.
I replied "1. I'm a 7 on a good day. 2. You know I'm married and that's inappropriate. 3. What is this cup for?"
This is really a Mom Joke as my wife told it.
We recently bought a 75" television and were watching the Bucs game on Sunday. Midway through the game, the station tried to get a closeup of Tom Brady's hands but instead displayed his derriere in full screen and in beautiful HD. I asked my wife if that did anything for her.
Without missing a beat, she smirked, turned to me, and replied, "You're the one who wanted a Big Ass TV."
She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"
The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."
Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"
"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."
Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"
The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."
"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"
The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...
"Denephew."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Here's your Nickleback."
He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"
I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."
As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.
I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.
*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
But I’m just grasping at straws here.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. “Dad, can you call my iPad?” She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied “what do you want me to call it?” She looked at me blankly. “No…call my iPad” she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed “Emily’s iPad” over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.
I think that would be pretty handy.
They have deep sedimental value to me.
I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!
Does it make it ambitextrous?
Now, I'm no sophisticate, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I can't speak a lick of French. Knowing this would pose some problems at a French restaurant, I made my illiteracy abundantly clear to our server before hand. So I requested him to be a little more patient with our table on account of my being an uncultured oaf.
Straight away, I had difficulties locating the apps on the menu, which, let me add, was entirely in French. Hoping that our server might give me a hand, I asked him if he could point out where I could find the appetisers on the menu. Instead of answering my sincere question, the waiter tapped the menu rather briskly and said, "Order". Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Pardon?". "ORDER", came the brusque reply. Now, I'm not particularly clever in tense situations, so I repeated the question again, hoping for a slightly more helpful answer. For some reason, our waiter took particular offense at this, and went, "ORDERV, ORDERV, READ THE DAMN MENU. WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS TOO, YOU KNOW!". Now, I'm not a particularly prideful person, but even I have some dignity, so we thanked the waiter and excused ourselves.
TLDR; Our rude waiter kept ordering me, an idiot, to order off the menu, instead of telling us where the goddamn appetisers were.
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
Wheres the pi?
A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."
Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.
Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?
The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.
Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.
The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:
"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."
Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"
The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)
The teller say “hi my name is Patty Whack. How can I help you”.
The frog asks for a loan. The teller asks, “do you have any collateral?”
The frog answer “all I have is this” and hands the teller a small elephant glass figurine.
The Teller rolls her eyes and calls for the manager. The manager comes over and asks what’s going on.
The teller tells him that the frog is looking for a loan and all he has to offer is this little elephant.
The manager replies, “It’s a niknak, Mrs. Patty Whack give the frog a loan.”
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"
Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"
I answered, that I didn't.
She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"
I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."
Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."
With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
I got tired of waiting for one so I washed my own hands.
Me: Only if it needed me..
I said, "I can't Aleve this."
