My church gives away pointy flags to those who ask forgiveness from a priest...

You should go there if you seek pennants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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The flag is not the only reason to move to Switzerland

but its a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathisfakenews
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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I used to date someone with a communist flag on their wall.

It was a big red flag.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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My friend decided to make a Finnish flag.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/why-doibother
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Went to my date’s house after dinner last night and saw she had a Soviet flag covering the entire wall

I knew that was a big red flag

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smoothmcdoodles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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If a guy moves to a country because it's flag is big plus, but does not become a citizen of said country,

Does that make him Swede-ish?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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I don't think I could ever move to Denmark, too many red flags.

On the other hand the flag is a big plus, so I'm a little conflicted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.

It's only a phase, after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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I tend not to like orange cars with flags on the roof.

General Lee speaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SysAdamin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Whenever my wife wants me to go jogging, I immediately wrap myself with an American flag.

Because those colors don’t run.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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The Bob Creamer Group was caught handing out Russian flags at CPAC to manufacture fake news about Russian flags being waved and then confiscated. I guess you could call this a...

False Flag.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleverestPony70
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2017
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I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...

So I drove down the manualbahn instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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[META] Could we get some moderation in this sub?

In my eyes, this sub has a serious problem with non-dadjoke posts. Sub-reddit rule #1 is "Jokes must be dad jokes.". What good are the rules if they aren't enforced? I do realize that what constitutes a dadjoke might not be clarely defined, but we get a lot of posts that are marked nsfw. That's a "This is not a dadjoke"-flag. Why not start with removing nsfw posts?

PS: Why do we have rule #6? It is not possible for a dadjoke to be nsfw, so it should never be relevant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buddhainhair
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Why won't communism work ?

Because it has to many red flags

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sabishaw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Thinking about moving to Switzerland.

Coming up with pros and cons. To start out, the flag is a big plus...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFishmanau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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I would stay away from the Soviet Union

There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eireannach0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I got a new flag at the hardware store yesterday

It’s one of those you push in the ground on your lawn. When I put it in (that’s what she said), I remembered that flags are being flown at half mast.

So I pushed it in a little farther.

No one laughed harder about that than I did at the time and I just wanted to share with you all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ktulu92
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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What's the best part about living in Mozambique?

I don't know, but their flag is to die for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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My girlfriend just said to me that she supports Communism...

Sorry but to me that is just a major red flag!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarLordTheBeast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I dated a household product exterminator once and didn't know it...

I guess my first tipoff should have came with all the Raids. But it really came to light with all the Black Flags.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I'm not saying China was doping during the Summer Olympics

But when they take the gold, silver, and bronze it raises a lot of red flags.

~credit to Steve, a real person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebignate08
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Nearly all the funniest jokes at Edinburgh Fringe is dad jokes

The winner and the 9 runner ups: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"

  • "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
  • "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
  • "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
  • "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
  • "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
  • "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
  • "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
  • "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
  • "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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My dad decides he wants to go to Switzerland...

After a a solid few minutes of silence my dad comes out of nowhere with this:

Him: "I'd love to live in Switzerland."

Me: "Really? Why?"

Him: "Yeah! The chocolate, the cheese....Oh and the flag's a big plus!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robinarran
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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11 y/o son with a winner

Son: I'd like to visit Switzerland Me: Why? son:Oh lots of reasons. Me: Really. Like what? Son: Well, their flag's a big plus!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oecologia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Heard a dad joke watching the football game today

A flag was thrown for un-sportsman like conduct on the coach of one team

Announcer 1: It did't look like the the coach did anything to get the flag thrown.

Announcer 2: But we couldn't hear the language that was being used by the coach, that could have drawn the foul.

Announcer 1: I believe the coach was using english.

I laughed hysterically.

Edit: formating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarycloud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Dadjoked the real estate agent

My parents are selling the house and yesterday we had people checking it out along with the real estate agent.

Now I'm a metalhead and that's pretty obvious when you see my room. I got band posters and flags, loads of CD's and two guitars there.

So when it was all over, the agent came to me and told me I have a great taste of music. I told him I expected him to be more of a house guy. I don't think he got it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bwuhbwuh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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Two Dads in a Semi

Riding down the road with a co-worker, I happen to see a "Sale" flag next to a cemetery advertising a land auction.

Me: "Hey look, the cemetery's having a sale. Wanna pick up a few cold ones?"

Other dad: "That's a sale people are dying for."

Me: "They had to put up a fence to keep to keep them out."

Other dad: "They were really digging it. Doesn't look like they have any takers though."

Me: "I bet there were a few under-takers."

We laughed for the next mile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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Birthday dadjoked

I remember this one from my toddler years. My b-day is June 14, which happens to be the unknown holiday called Flag Day.

Me: "Daddy, guess what day it is?"

Dad: "Oh, is it the 14^th already? Happy Flag Day son!"

I would get really upset at him every year for that one until I started to get the joke. Alternatively, my mom's birthday happens to be December 25. So you can imagine:

Mom: "Merry Christmas, honey!"

Dad: "Christmas? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was your birthday!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheF0CTOR
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
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So our family is discussing moving to Switzerland to follow my Dad's work.....

We are all quiet, contemplating the pros and cons of the move and then dad speaks up:
You know one of the advantages of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Cue the instant groans...... Oh dad, we love you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FyreNinja
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
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Watching the FIFA World Cup with my dad

Watching a Football/Soccer game with England playing.

The camera pans to a close up of a girl wearing sunglasses with the England flag for lenses.

(England flag: http://imgur.com/mcK3A0v)

Dad: "She's a bit cross eyed. Such a shame."

I stare at him briefly for 2 seconds, then back at the screen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jypo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
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Every time during the that time of the month.

We are about to go to lunch for my brothers birthday and as we are walking out the door I felt it. I just started my period.

Me: Wait Dad! Don't leave yet! I think I just started my period.

Dad: Well, it's time to raise the red flag boys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindsey_loo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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It made me laugh, at least.

I was at six flags with my family and there were a lot of orange lights strung on the trees. I told my dad that I took offense to all of the orange (I go to TAMU) and he kicked the fence surrounding the trees and said, "Well, it looks like they took a fence to it, too."

Oh, daaaad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladyinredhead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been thinking of reasons to move to Switzerland and the flag is a big plus
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboi79
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing, it just waved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_brazilian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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What did one flag say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IDrinkSmoothies2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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When do they start?

My friend and I were at a race tonight when she asked, "when do they start?" Meaning after a yellow flag. To which I responded, "when they throw the green".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marriedwithkids96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
🚨︎ report

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