....and the second one Duplikate.
"Stairs don't talk!"
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A snake with a sore head!
(Because he has no arms)
We were going somewhere and my daughter asked which direction are we going. I said, who cares about the direction! She said, Compass Does.
Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:
Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!
In her mother's womb.
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?
Because he didn’t like sour mice.
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
I told her it was an ovary action.
"Well," she said. "It did say on the clothing labels to wash in, like, colors."
She wrote 3.14 on a sheet of paper and said "eat up"
In Language Arts did they teach you how to roll your i's?
edit: I'm pretty sure she learned it from her mom.
I said, "A handshake says a lot about a person, and yours was weak."
He said, "Your daughter's handshake is good."
Getting ready to leave the soft play. My daughters are 5 and 3, this was the youngest one.
Daughter: Daddy, can you put my shoes on? Me: I don't think they'll fit me, darling. Daughter (looking exasperated): No Daddy, I mean put them on me!
So proud.
....Elderflower.
And I have to say she's not very hap-pea.
But if it makes her happy then Soviet.
My 5 month old has a little bit of a cough. The conversation went something like this:.
5 month old: {coughs}.
My wife: Goodness, where is that little cough coming from?
2.5 year old: Baby's mouth!
Me: {laughs hysterically}
By which I mean safely and within the speed limit as not to draw the attention of the police.
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
~
[edited for spelling. sorry to offend.]
My wife was complaining of constipation- when in reality she was in labor. "Can you pick me up an enema or suppository?"
Without skipping a beat, I said "of course- sit tight!"
http://imgur.com/mB42ltL
x-post from r/unexpected
She is a very typical girly-girl -- loves princesses and pink stuff. The dentist says "Let's see those pretty princess teeth!" to which my natural response was "I hope none of them need a crown!"
I came home from work and my wife pointed upstairs.
I just knew that our daughter had locked herself in her room and was crying her eyes out.
I knocked softly on the door and said, "Honey? Are you ok?"
She whimpered, "Daddy! I hate my haircut!"
I replied, “Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you.”
I exclaimed "urine all-star!"
It took her mom a moment before she groaned
The family and I stopped in at local store to buy some things. Driving home from store I hear an "oh no!" from the back seat. My daughter was holding a new bottle of bleach on her lap and I guess the lid wasn't on tight and it spilled a little on her skirt. We get home and she and my wife are working diligently on trying to prevent any stains from forming on her black skirt.
Me: "I hope you understand if I say I hope things don't turn out all white"
Wife: disgusted and odd stare in my direction.
Daughter: "What?"
They continued to ignore me the rest of the evening. I guess I failed; or maybe succeeded.
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
She always wants lucky charms before school. I'll give her lucky charms
So a teenage daughter got her first job as a waitress. When she gets home from her first day she tells her parents about it. She's really excited that they get fed at work. The manager told her, "Around here we call dinner 'D', so when the staff dinner is ready the kitchen will call out, 'D is ready' and you can grab dinner on your next break.". She tells her parents, "So I asked 'how much D do the waitresses get?" Dad interrupts with "Just the tip!"
........and the second one DupliKate.
