A list of puns related to "Farm Out"
The escapegoat.
I said fine, alpaca bag.
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
Orwell.
Me: What did they have at the farm?
Son: Pumpkins and gourds.
Me: Did you get to pick one out to take home?
Son: I got a gourd because it looked cool. /shows us multi colored, striped gourd
Me: Gourd for you!
Son: /slightly confused... Yes, I got this gourd.
Me: So... would you say you had a ... gourd time?
Wife: /groans
Son: Ya, I had a gourd time.
Wife: /groans again.
Wife: Really?!
Me: He gets these jokes now. He's all... gourd up now.
Wife: STOP!
Son: Oh, gourd!
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡An art critic was judging paintings at an event.
The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.
The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.
The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.
The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, “Wow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.
So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch
... keep reading on reddit ➡Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.”
The other guy says, “We can?”
He says, “Yes.”
The other guy says, “How?”
The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”
The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/
There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.
"Those are my grains!"
A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.
At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.
On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.
The CEO says to the man, “we know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”
The man says right back to the CEO, “I’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.
Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says “I’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says “are you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”
The man looks back at him and says “well, in this business time is money— so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”
A man walks to a farm and he sees a three-legged pig. He asks the owner of the farm, "Why does that pig have only three legs?" The owner says, "Well this one time my son was out on a frozen lake and fell through the ice and the pig got a rope and pull him out and saved him. "Another time, my son got lost in the woods, and this pig found him and brought him back safe. "And another time the barn was on fire and the pig ran in and saved all the animals." "Wow, that's amazing! But it doesn't answer my question. Why does the pig have only three legs?" "Well, a pig like that, you don't eat all at once."
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
He must have it in his Genes.
But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.
Star Trek
Star Trek
Nailin' The Kelvin
Labor Of Love
Hella Bar Talk
Enterprising Young Men
Nero Sighted
Nice To Meld You
Run And Shoot Offense
Does It Still McFly?
Nero Death Experience
Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns
Back From Black
That New Car Smell
To Boldly Go
End Credits
Star Trek Into Darkness
Logos / Pranking The Natives
Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps
Sub Prime Directive
London Calling
Meld-Merized
The Kronos Wartet
Brigadoom
Ship To Ship
Earthbound And Down
Warp Core Values
Buying The Space Farm
The San Fran Hustle
Kirk Enterprises
Star Trek Main Theme
Star Trek Beyond
Logo and Prosper
Thank Your Lucky Star Date
Night on the Yorktown
The Dance of the Nebula
A Swarm Reception
Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard
Jaylah Damage
In Artifacts as in Life
Franklin, My Dear
A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy
MotorCycles of Relief
Mocking Jaylah
Crash Decisions
Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free
Shutdown Happens
Cater-Krall in Zero G
Par-tay for the Course
Star Trek Main Theme
Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her:
"Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence?"
She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around "she's on the fence about it"
Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself.
So me and my dad (yeah, I got dadjoked by my DAD. Now isen't that something new on this thread) were driving in the countryside, when we got to a farm which lays almost completely up to the road. The hens had broken loose, so because we didn't want to drive them over we waited for the road to clear. After about 10 seconds of waiting, my dad turned to me and said: ''Well, I guess we're cockblocked'' I fucking burst out laughing.
My friend was driving with his wife heading home. They were passing some farms and his wife noticed some people hanging out by the cows. She said "I wonder if they work there" he replies with "yah they're just milking it"
One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immediately bolted to the front of the race as the announcer was going wild, "It's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, and Hobbin wins by a nose!" Excited by the win, the farmer then enters them into the Kentucky Derby. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This continues in every race until Hobbin has won the Triple Crown. By this point the farmer is beginning to realize just how fast these horses are, so he decides to enter them into a NASCAR race and again, it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This pattern continues until Hobbin wins the Sprint Cup. Still believing that he can push these horses further, he enters them both into an F1 Grand Prix. Unbelievably, against some of most well-engineered machines on Earth, as soon as the race started it was Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. Hobbin won so often that he was named the World Drivers' Champion. After that the farmer decided that the horses had done it, they'd won the most prestigious races in the world; they had earned their retirement. Five years later, as the two horses were grazing in their pasture, Noggin walked up to Hobbin and said, "Hey, you know, you won all of those races we were in. Do you think that we could race around the pasture, and you could just let me win one race?" "Okay, I'll do that for you" Hobbin replied. So, just like the olden days, the two horses were off, and ever the same, it was Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, and again, Hobbin beats Noggin by a nose. The old farm dog, watching from the farmhouse's front porch, walks over and asks Hobbin, "Hey, why'd you do that? You said you'd let him win, the race was just for fun; it meant nothing." To which Hobbin responded, "WOW. Would you look at that? A t
... keep reading on reddit ➡My father told me this when I was young. He grew up on a farm back in the 40's and 50's and for the longest time they had an outhouse that was their primary bathroom. One night he was sitting in there taking a crap when he hears a voice coming from below him. It was saying very quietly "If the log rolls over, we will die". He is sitting their puzzled but he keeps hearing it over and over again "If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die"...
Now he starts to freak out so he wipes himself and runs inside and grabs the flashlight off the counter and comes back out to check it out. Only now, it is louder and more frantic If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die.
He crept up to the toilet hole, turned on the flashlight and slowly peered over the edge of the toilet and what he saw scared the hell out of him...
It was a bunch of ants sitting on a turd and chanting If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die
He mentioned his wife's sister, who grew up on a farm, was kicked out of FFA (Future Farmers of America).
"How?"
"She couldn't keep her calves together."
The collective groaning was incredible.
Dad: "You hear about the guy who owns that farm?"
"sighs.. No I didn't."
"He was out standing in his field."
A police officer, while out on patrol, pulls a brand new sports car over for speeding. He walks up to the car and sees a large, dirty pig in the passenger seat. The cop says to the guy driving "Why do you have a huge, filthy pig in this brand new car?" The guy says to the officer, "I don't know what to do. My father just closed his farm and sold the land, and gave me his prized pig. His farm was the last in the county, and I live in a small house. I have no idea what to do with this pig!" The officer then says to the guy, "Well, take him to the zoo!" The guys eyes brighten and thanks the officer for the brilliant idea. The officer lets the guy go, and off they drive to the zoo. A week later the same police officer is on patrol when he sees the same new sports car. He pulls the car over and walks up to it only to see the same pig in the passenger seat. "What are you doing?" says the officer, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did," says the guy, "and he had so much fun, I am taking him to the movies."
That was one of the two jokes my dad told me all the time when I was a kid.
My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....
"Figured Id give 'em a shot"
Now let that sink in like I had too!
Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!
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