Why doesnβt Bob Marley have a passcode on his phone?

π︎ 27
π¬︎
π€︎ u/90sWannabe
π︎ Feb 07 2021
π¨︎ report
My neighbour is a key worker.

He picks locks.

π︎ 7
π¬︎
π€︎ u/VERBERD
π︎ Feb 03 2021
π¨︎ report
The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

π︎ 17
π¬︎
π€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
π︎ Jan 11 2021
π¨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bumpβ¦

Bumpβ¦

Bumpβ¦

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bumpβ¦

Bumpβ¦

BUMPβ¦

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Fasterβ¦

Fasterβ¦

FASTERβ¦

Bumpβ¦

Bumpβ¦

BUMPβ¦

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

Andβ¦

The coffin stopsβ¦.

π︎ 39
π¬︎
π︎ Nov 18 2020
π¨︎ report
Did you hear about the locksmith convention coming to town?

I hear they've got the keynote speaker locked up.

π︎ 3
π¬︎
π€︎ u/habsfan1112
π︎ Dec 06 2020
π¨︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500\$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him βThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.β He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining βjingle bellsβ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. βRudolphβ βFrosty the Snowmanβ βDrummer Boyβ even βI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausβ in the best impersonations heβs ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β No no honey this works watchβ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. βNO honey it really works watch!β βIm going to bed, Merry Christmasβ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. βWAIT Honey, one more time, please!β He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out βCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREβ

π︎ 3
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Hipphazy
π︎ Nov 02 2020
π¨︎ report
What does a salmon always have in its home?

Bagels and locks.

π︎ 9
π¬︎
π︎ Nov 11 2020
π¨︎ report

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

π︎ 15
π¬︎
π€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
π︎ Oct 06 2020
π¨︎ report
What should you do if you get locked out of the house?

Talk to the lock, because communication is key

π︎ 20
π¬︎
π€︎ u/_ivy_ally
π︎ Sep 28 2020
π¨︎ report
Saw a deal earlier to stay on a canal boat but I was worried about covid situation

There's bound to be a lock down there

π︎ 11
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Ian_M87
π︎ Sep 22 2020
π¨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. Iβm absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, Iβm constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. Itβs a complete infestation of my personal space!

Letβs face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! Itβs a scourge on whatβs left of humanity.

So I say, itβs time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything weβve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

π︎ 2
π¬︎
π€︎ u/daloonik
π︎ Apr 09 2020
π¨︎ report
Why couldn't the computer take its Hat off?

Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.

Edit- North of 4k upvotes, Thank You Kind Strangers.

π︎ 8k
π¬︎
π€︎ u/thatindiandood
π︎ Jan 20 2019
π¨︎ report
Today I couldnβt take my hat off.

I guess you could say it was in caps lock.

π︎ 22
π¬︎
π€︎ u/DashMasterYT
π︎ Jun 15 2020
π¨︎ report
-Knock knock!

-Who's there? -Dory. -Dory who? -Dory's locked, that's why I'm knocking.

π︎ 7
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Morcana4life
π︎ Jul 11 2020
π¨︎ report
I've spent 7 years in prison

I learned that humans and wifi connections are the same in prison. Sometimes they're free and sometimes they're locked up .

π︎ 2
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Slymood
π︎ Jun 10 2020
π¨︎ report
Knock knock whoβs there Doris Doris who

Doris locked thatβs why Iβm knocking

π︎ 133
π¬︎
π€︎ u/TheProSamski
π︎ Nov 03 2019
π¨︎ report
ππ±πΈπΉ πΈπΉ π» πΌπ½πΎπΏ

Sorry, cats lock

π︎ 6
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Theemuts
π︎ Mar 03 2020
π¨︎ report
Guy Ritches started on a new film about a killer virus...

Lock doors, stockpile and two runny nostrils

π︎ 2
π¬︎
π€︎ u/maccer20
π︎ Mar 15 2020
π¨︎ report
My best in the moment pun i have ever had

In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.

As he is walking away....

Him: "you have a good day man"

Me: "you too, better lock next time"

I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha

π︎ 13
π¬︎
π€︎ u/SwankyTiger_0
π︎ Jan 30 2020
π¨︎ report
My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose deanβs he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

βAb rack and dab rackβ

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magicianβs wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked βbirthday,β and said:

βPick a card, any cardβ

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay thatβs it. Iβm so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

π︎ 5
π¬︎
π€︎ u/nsk09003
π︎ Mar 24 2020
π¨︎ report
Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Jokeβs bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since itβs riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didnβt return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldnβt find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapistβs office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that heβs gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

π︎ 9
π¬︎
π€︎ u/murlockerLOL
π︎ Jan 25 2020
π¨︎ report
I used to be a wrestler.

I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.

It was my signature move.

π︎ 96
π¬︎
π︎ Sep 19 2019
π¨︎ report
Iβm an awkward locksmith

I tend to lock eyes.

π︎ 6
π¬︎
π€︎ u/MINION_GUN
π︎ Jan 24 2020
π¨︎ report
An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

π︎ 8
π¬︎
π€︎ u/kickypie
π︎ Nov 29 2019
π¨︎ report
I tried to visit the Panama Canal

But it was all locked up.

π︎ 6
π¬︎
π€︎ u/mediamanrit
π︎ Jan 19 2020
π¨︎ report

...I'll be locked in a cell

π︎ 27
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Sammy_Colon
π︎ Jul 23 2019
π¨︎ report
I was on a roll last night.

My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:

Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)

Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )

Then during bathtime:

Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)

Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)

Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)

Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)

π︎ 14
π¬︎
π€︎ u/dat_asthma
π︎ Oct 13 2019
π¨︎ report
Treat your wife to a night out

by changing the locks.

π︎ 9
π¬︎
π€︎ u/cotswoldboy
π︎ Oct 10 2019
π¨︎ report
Can you help me come up with some jokes for a mental health workshop?

I have to give a workshop on anxiety and depression today and I would like to have some jokes locked in to defuse the tension if needed. I usually don't have much trouble to come up with dad jokes on the go, but it would be nice to have some in the back burner. Thanks!

π︎ 5
π¬︎
π€︎ u/versung
π︎ Oct 30 2019
π¨︎ report
My girlfriend told me that she was tired of ED ruining our sex life.

I finally put a lock on the door to keep him from barging in.

π︎ 7
π¬︎
π€︎ u/JackFunk
π︎ Sep 16 2019
π¨︎ report
Bike-urious puns

Why can you take a bike to a tavern, but not a unicycle?

A unicycle can't handlebars.

Why couldn't the bicycle sneak up on the unicycle?

The unicycle knew him two wheel.

Why was the bicycle locked up?

He was a pedalphile.

π︎ 6
π¬︎
π€︎ u/ozzymandian
π︎ Jun 28 2019
π¨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

• Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerβs hand and immediately he asked:

• Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnβt in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnβt even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

• Thank you

... keep reading on reddit β‘

π︎ 64
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Doty152
π︎ Apr 26 2018
π¨︎ report
Big brain

If you find yourself locked out of your house, talk to the door because communication is key

π︎ 8
π¬︎
π€︎ u/4Dtwins
π︎ Oct 02 2019
π¨︎ report
My wife told me to stop using windows

I asked her: How else am I supposed to get in if you lock the door?

π︎ 13
π¬︎
π€︎ u/tyyppi_00
π︎ Jun 20 2019
π¨︎ report
An interesting title

My girlfriend locked me outside the houseπ  because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes. So I texted her, "Oh pun the door."

π︎ 11
π¬︎
π€︎ u/TheNerdyRudh
π︎ Apr 04 2019
π¨︎ report
To find the key to success...

...You must first find the lock.

π︎ 2
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Pdonkey
π︎ Mar 22 2019
π¨︎ report
Someone should start a line of houses with state-of-the-art security systems

Call it "Sure-Lock Homes".

π︎ 13
π¬︎
π€︎ u/the_jiujitsu_kid
π︎ May 17 2018
π¨︎ report
What's the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?

A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.

π︎ 56
π¬︎
π︎ Feb 01 2019
π¨︎ report
The Librarians of Alexandria invented the first keyboard but it only had one button on it

Scroll lock

π︎ 35
π¬︎
π€︎ u/wawoodworth
π︎ Feb 10 2019
π¨︎ report
What did the piss covered safe say to the man who won the lottery?

Urine lock

π︎ 2
π¬︎
π€︎ u/me-no-smart
π︎ Jun 26 2019
π¨︎ report
What should you do if you get locked out of your house?

Be calm and talk to the lock.

Because communication is key!

π︎ 4
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Vanguard_The
π︎ Oct 23 2020
π¨︎ report
*Knock knock* "who is there?"

"Doris"

"Doris who?"

"Doris locked, that's why im knocking."

π︎ 83
π¬︎
π€︎ u/haravava
π︎ Nov 12 2019
π¨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house...

Talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.

π︎ 11
π¬︎
π€︎ u/pm_me_your_taintt
π︎ Nov 25 2019
π¨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

π︎ 50
π¬︎
π€︎ u/Energylegs23
π︎ Dec 05 2018
π¨︎ report
It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

π︎ 13
π¬︎
π€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
π︎ Jul 18 2019
π¨︎ report
Why couldn't the computer take its Hat off?

Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.

π︎ 23
π¬︎
π€︎ u/RottenMind62
π︎ Feb 05 2019
π¨︎ report