Food
Egypt has sent a warning to Ethiopia not to block the Nile, but really, Ethiopia doesn't give a dam about it
But it was love at first cite!
"But itโs worth a shot!"
So, I invited 7 dwarves to join in.
But slowly, I got over it.
But it was over easy.
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Second octopus: โWashing my hands before dinnerโ
After all, the Republicans can't say no to A. Blinken!
Donโt stair.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
Special
They played rock paper Caesar
... Then Soviet
Usually it's because we can't afford it.
It was love at first sight.
Adamant
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he wonโt do that.
Usually it is due to lack of money
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
Me: What's worse ignorance or apathy?
Daughter: I don't know and I don't care.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, โThe Colour of Magicโ, Prologue.
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! Iโll be putting this in my little oneโs Reddit Scholarship Fund!
I am asking two of my girlfriends to be my bridesmaids and wanted to word the question in a punny way related to their careers- one is a first-year medical resident and the other is a law student. I would like to flatter them/make it funny. Any and all ideas are appreciated!! If there is a better sub to ask this question please let me know:))
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.
When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.
The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.
Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.
After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.
Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.
Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!
I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsโbut it sure might be sheep or goat.
Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.
I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.
I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????
So I fucking called the museum
got the guy who interviewed me on the lineโand he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?
He said, yes, BUT.......
"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."
A little bit of Background information:ย When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.ย ย Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!ย He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.ย ย However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.ย ย ย The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!ย ย My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.
Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.ย ย I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.ย Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.
After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.ย ย At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.ย ย ย He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,ย his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.ย ย ย I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.
So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.ย ย ย Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!ย ย Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!ย ย At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.ย You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"ย I never realized how freeing it
... keep reading on reddit โกI know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.
Laika million to one
what do you say to a potassium based fruit that keeps stealing stuff!? Stop with your banana-gins!
Neil won.
He runs the lamp and a genie pops outs, and says, โIโll grant you three wishes, but your ex wife gets twice whatever you wish for.โ The man thinks for a minute and says, โOkay first wish is for a million dollars.โ โOkayโ says the genie, โyour ex wife also now has two million dollarsโ The man thinks for another minute and says, โ I wish for a Lamborghiniโ โAs you wishโ says the genie โyour ex now has two Lamborghinisโ Finally after a few minutes the man says, โfor my final wish, I wanna be beaten half to deathโ
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
Because they're fighting tooth and nail for it.
The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"
The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)
At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.
And I'll be the first to admit it
I said, โRemains to be seen.โ
If they survive the vaccine is safe but if they don't the country is safe
But the fifth oneโ dead Sirius.
"...but itโs worth a shot."
"...but itโs worth a shot."
