Elmer Puns

She said he's a glue-ru.

Whisky!!

It was Whiskey business

"Back to their old Twix!"

He had a lot of Twix up his sleeve

I'm pasty. That's why she's stuck with me.

Elmer Fudd is sitting around one day and realized he's not all that good at hunting, might as well take up a new hobby. Obviously he turns to magic/slight of hand. After a few months of practicing, his arms are COVERED in chocolate. Bugs comes up and asks him, "Say doc, what's with all the chocolate?" To which Elmer replies, "You know what they say, a good magician ALWAYS has a few Twix up his sweeves."

He can't afford to buy a whole herd of cows all at once, but he figures he can start small and work up. So he buys a dozen cows and two bulls. He puts the bulls in separate pastures, and splits the cows evenly, and waits. After a couple weeks, he realizes that most of the cows in one pasture are pregnant, but on the other side of the fence, nothing has been happening. He calls up his neighbor, Elmer, an old country feller who has been farming since he could walk. "See, there's your problem," the old man says, "That one's a bull, but the other's a steer." The city slicker says, "Well, I don't know what the difference is. Could you put it in terms I might understand better?" Elmer says, "Well..."

"One's regular and the other is de-calf."

the bartender looks at him and says "Hey.... why the long face?" The horse looks back at him and solemnly says "My uncle elmer died...". The bartender replies "I'm sorry for your loss..." the horse sighs and says "Yea...He really held the family together"

"Is that an abandoned adhesive factory?"

"Looks like they didn't stick around long!"

Unlike most of my jokes, she laughed pretty hard and I was more than a little proud of myself.

Every time I drive by a weigh station on a U.S. highway, the weigh station is closed and there are no trucks in sight.

Driving with my father and passing an empty weigh-station I asked him, "I wonder why I never see trucks getting weighed." He answered -- in an Elmer Fudd voice -- "Maybe because they're all ugwy."