Eating Out Puns

But I just can’t quit cold turkey

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

I think I picked up a nervous tic.

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’

Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.

I didn't use the 12 steps, I quit cold turkey.

They always get stuck with the bill.

What the hellman?

On Christmas my aunt gave my son a small box of Swedish fish which he immediately devoured. At the moment he threw the empty box on the coffee table I looked at it with wide eyes and said, "Oh look! Now they're Finnish!" He didn't get it.

It was the icing on the cake.

Gimme two fried eggs.

... and she goes "Dad, this is mayonazing!".

I couldn't be more proud :]

I was so close I could taste it.

It'll bring out the wurst in you.

I said "that's unfortunate."

...but I could tell he was full of shit

It was un-fork-getable.

My friend asked me how many exactly
I said, "Olive them"

dad: will you pass me the salt?
me: sure dad!
dad: * gasp * don't inSALT me like that!

me and my friends facepalm as the other dads highfive my dad...

and my dad says, "no, it's ok, you can keep it!"

"Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings!"

Because he always wants Samoa.

Waitress: "How was your meal, can I bring you anything else?"

Dad: "Nope, we're all good here, you don't even need to bring the check!"

For lunch, I went out and I had Indian food. It was so good that when I was done, there was naan left.

My sister spilt the salt shaker on my lap.

DAD: Waitress! This lady just aSSAULTed my son!

But then I quit cold turkey.