Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itโs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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︎ Nov 29 2020
All my crabs were pissed at me after I told them I must cook and eat them...
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︎ Oct 29 2020
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
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︎ Oct 19 2020
Good job coming dad. (3 year old son after he told me to come eat breakfast)
Me: Mommy tells me that all the time.
He has a near photographic memory, I'm hoping one day when he's twenty he coughs out his cold cereal in college as he gets the joke.
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︎ Oct 26 2020
My son bet me he could eat 150 eggs, but he ended up puking and quitting at 144.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
My girlfriend didn't like to eat Japanese food, sushi left me.
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︎ May 10 2020
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess Iโm just black toast intolerant.
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︎ Apr 06 2020
(Me reading to my five-year-old) The leopard slug eats dead plants and fungi, but also hunts other slugs.
(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.
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︎ Apr 30 2020
I can't believe he ego of that cannibal who bet me he could eat his own leg!
That guy is just full of himself!
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︎ Jun 10 2020
My father said : hey im hungry can you get me somthing to eat
Me with a smirk on my face :hey hungry im son
The tabels have turned
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︎ May 15 2020
Hahahahaha bears donโt eat me please I have a wife and kid
Q: Whatโs does the polar bear sing in the choir?
A: Baritone
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︎ Feb 28 2020
There is a lady who lives down the street from me who only eats plants.
Youโve probably never heard of herbivore.
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︎ Feb 03 2020
Beelieve me or not there is a small ball of pollen in the beehind legs of the bees and they also have the abeelity to eat it
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︎ Mar 21 2020
Today my son asked me if he could eat toilet paper.
When I asked why, he said that this way it wipes itself on the way out
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︎ Jan 08 2020
If you are what you eat, consider me a dried grape.
I guess I'm just a product of my raisin.
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︎ Mar 11 2020
I went to the doctor and he told me: "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked: "What like pizzas or burgers?"
He replied: "No fatty. Just don't eat anything."
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︎ Aug 25 2019
Me: Hey, Dad, got any countries to eat?
Dad: Sure son, what would you like?
Me: Iโm Hungary for some Turkey Greece
Dad: Oman, Iโm all out of that, would you like some Cuba de Chad?
Me: Yemen!
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︎ Nov 10 2019
My wife asked me what I wanted to eat..
"I'm glad you asked.. because I'm pretty Hungary."
"Anything but Turkey is fine."
"Trynna lay off the Greece."
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︎ Mar 03 2020
My wife asked me to whip us up some dinner to eat during the impeachment coverage.
I told her, "I am not a cook."
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︎ Dec 20 2019
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting....
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
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︎ Oct 08 2019
My doctor told me I need to eat more greens...
....so I stopped at the store on the way home and picked up some food coloring.
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︎ Jan 27 2020
My friend wanted me to choose which parasitic insect egg he would eat...
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︎ Feb 09 2020
I had a guy come up to me at the store the other day as I was browsing the candy section and proclaimed "I refuse to eat Werther's originals!" Confused, I asked "Why's that?"
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︎ Oct 30 2019
My doctor told me not to eat anything fatty. I asked him if he meant bacon and eggs.
But he said, "No fatty. Stop eating!"
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︎ Jul 16 2019
The waiter said to me, โI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.โ
I exclaimed, โGood! Iโll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.โ
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︎ Oct 02 2019
My dad told me heโs not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me theyโre possessed.
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︎ Nov 28 2019
What does Gru (from Despicable Me) like to eat for dinner?
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︎ Jul 26 2019
The doctor told me that I should not eat white bread.
So I use the toaster now.
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︎ Apr 16 2019
My father has forced me to eat German sausages the entire year!
It has been the wurst year ever!
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︎ Dec 30 2018
Wife told me to take out the trash, so i ask her where she want to eat for dinner tonight.
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︎ Feb 01 2019
It's weird when I eat wheat, it gives me a huge headache But, if I get the wheat from someone else, I'm fine. It's just migraine.
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︎ Dec 04 2018
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasnโt even a good show.
Me: You just really ate to see it
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︎ Nov 25 2018
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant
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︎ Apr 01 2019
My friend tried to get me to eat a rabbit stew.
I couldn't do it. It had a hare in it.
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︎ Dec 07 2018
Someone asked me, if I were forced to, would I eat a big beetle or a small one?
I chose the smaller one of course! Itโs the lesser of the two weevils.
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︎ Sep 10 2018
Every time I eat msg it makes me go
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︎ Aug 19 2018
My wife told me her new diet meant she could only eat foods made from almonds. Almond meal, almond milk, almond... everything.
When I heard this, I said, "but that's just nuts".
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︎ Mar 04 2019
My mom sent me this picture with the caption "Dad wants to know what he should eat first... He's just cracking himself up..."
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︎ Aug 24 2013
My wife asked me if I want to go out to eat for my first father's day
I said, "No. Every mother fucker is going to be out that day."
It took me a second to register what I said, so I turned to her and smiled. She rolled her eyes.
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︎ Jun 17 2016
My dad told to eat a piece of corn. I replied "sorry I corn't" Then after he gave me the corn, I looked him in the eye and said "that was a pretty corny joke"
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︎ Jul 05 2015
Me: "What would you eat on a desert island."
Dad: "The sand which is there."
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︎ May 21 2017
My vegetarian daughter asked me how I still can eat anything from KFC after all she's told me about it.
I made it clear to her that it indeed was an ethical dilemma for me to hen dle.
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︎ Apr 06 2019
My friend told me that she never just eats peanuts alone.
So I said that I only eat peanuts socially too.
Iโm am not a father but everyone around me groaned after this exchange so Iโm pretty proud.
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︎ Oct 24 2018
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itโs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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︎ Jun 26 2020
A vegan said to me: people who eat meat are disgusting
I replied: people who sell fruit and veg are grocer
(Borrowed indefinitely without permission from @pakalupapito)
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︎ Sep 17 2019
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