I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese
Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound
What did the river-tourist call his mom to say while he was in Africa?
"mom, I can't believe it; I'm in de-nile!"
For all the music players out there. What do musicians pray to?
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
To avoid Covid on my flight, they converted the whole plane to Catholicism and started praying.
Unfortunately now we’ve got a load of confirmed cases...
A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?
Because he was also a neck-romancer.
A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.
The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."
Why did the bear go to down to the river?
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
Back in 2005, my father used to roll me down hills in an old car tyre...
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
I can't remember the name of this African river in front of me.
I must be going see Nile.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized...
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Why panning the river in my brain, this lil' gold nugget came to me.
What do you call a Dinosaur that knows everything?
A herd-it-before!
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
I tried to bless the rains down in Africa...
It was a Toto failure.
🤦🏻♂️
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I was walking down the street and I heard someone saying hello in Arabic.
Turns out it was a false salaam.
Why did the elephant lie down in the river?
Because Tarzan said "damnit".
People began paying the Hawaiian volcano goddess to lie down from time to time
They're calling it a pay lay
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I finally saw the new Justice League movie but when the heroes ended up in a funky little shack down the Atlanta highway, I was confused at first.
It was the Fred Schneider cut. Oops!
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
I went to donate blood and the clinician asked, ‘Would you like to lay down?’
I told them I was inclined to it.
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told ‘that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say he’s in da Nile
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard
I told him ‘I woodn’t do that if I were you’
What did the electrician say to calm down?
Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
A farmer attempted to tow a load of manure down the interstate at 5 pm. Of course, it caused a crash and traffic jam...
I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
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