My wife left her position as a Geologist to pursue her dream as a tennis coach...

...She went from studying faults to double-faults.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the Norwegian flag having trust issues?

It’s been double crossed so many times.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheesecakeMMXX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Recent studies show Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

Current events make it less attractive.

All hail The Double Pun. Mic drop

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
So if a group of crows killed another group of crows...

Would that be double homicide?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A king who fought China

Once upon a time there was a king in the olden times

He loved giving out diktats like

"So shall citizens pay double the tax"

"So shall boys over 18 join the army"

He went to war with China

He won

In the court, they brought a Chinese man

"Your Majesty, he's the best singer in China, but refuses to sing since he is unwell with cough, fever"

The king then gave out a new diktat

"So shall this Tan sing"

And to this day, when it happens..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeretailer
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best cheese to paint with?

Double Gloucester

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manctrev1974
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.

He’s my buddy double.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was in the mafia I was working as a welder on the side, one day I accidentally welded two crucifixes together.

My boss is going to be so mad when he finds out about this double-cross.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A Roman walks into a bar and says β€œI’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender asks β€œDon’t you mean a martini?”

In response the Roman says β€œIf I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/James-Kinley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a katana lying between a couple bushes today.

It was a double-hedged sword.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOrderOfARA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you use to put a bolt in someones back?

A double crossbow.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a gay Irishman?

A double rainbow.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goopeh_Tomatoes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Want to know when youll die?

Wait until you have a midlife crisis, then double your age.

I was told this joke belongs here

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiJasaJ
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Baker joke

Baker: I'm sorry love, I won't be home till late. I'm doing a double shift.

Wife: But why?

Baker: I knead the dough.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnrichmondman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How to spell cow in thirteen letters?

See-O-Double You

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarzan-loves-cats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Boris Johnson’s favourite chocolate bar?

A Double Decker.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_lande_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.

I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICWhatsNUrP
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I really loved my Aunt Endre, so I decided to clone her.

That way I would have double Aunt Endres.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks β€œHey, what’s with the beef?”

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

β€œNah. The steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call working two shifts in one day at McDonald's?

A McDouble

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are conjoined twins good at getting 40 on a dartboard?

They always get double tops.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
When someone asks you what the short form of "What the fuck" is
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πŸ‘€︎ u/q_Maxi_p
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, and cross the road again?

It was a dirty double crosser.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoxfullofBuns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just got her breast pump going...

So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius.... She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeremySTL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand

Well I've got two night stands and a double bed

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Potars
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?

Double dipping

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exulansiss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
"What's your favorite movie, Dad?"

Me: What's your favorite movie, Dad?

Dad: Old habits.

Me: What kind of movie is that????? Old habiβ€”?

Dad: Die Hard (points double finger guns) pewpew

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imtoooldfordis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
When dad's not around

Me: Not a single person!

My mom: Not even a double person!

Me:

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a-casi813
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
If the police pin someone to the ground, but they struggle to get away, do they become a...

?

rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<

>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirbykirby56
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple β€˜read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10 Β 
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. Β [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Cortana for Windows 10 is the queen of Dad Jokes

Me: "Tell me a Joke"

Cortana: "Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser"

Me: Groan "Tell me a Good Joke."

Cortana: "There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswerto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the Spanish Lady say to her friend when she went to the market?

Aaa..me go Doubling down to the City.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hentaisianbloke
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know what's so strange. The word vacuum

It's the only word with a double u in it

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akien0222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
So I told my son to make sure the counter was flat so nothing would fall off.

I went to double check his work and he was wrong on so many levels

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flamegator_Tamer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend on IG reach the 1 million milestone and he asked me β€œHow do my haters like me now?”

By double tapping...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/z233444
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
At a pool party I threw a soft rubber ball that ended up bouncing off my friends head, then off my daughters head then out of the pool.

My daughter asked "what was that?" So I told her, 'that's what you call a double header'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watersofserenity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man and his wife are walking down the street when they see Police Officer Ed up the street.

It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."

The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?

No merci.

Sorry for the double post. Thought of a better wording.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alligatorblowgun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2017
🚨︎ report
James Bond is currently abstaining from sex so that he can have multiple orgasms.

Double O saving.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My mate was playing darts last night...

He said he got a double 25..... I think he's talking bull!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm amazed Reddit

There are now over a million subs for this silly, corny, beautiful feed of dad jokes.

Link to PROOF: http://imgur.com/ksprvA1

A million subs is a big number.

If we put a million subs end to end, we'd be able to reach a very small part of the way around the Earth... Double that if they were foot long subs, and we'd make it all the way around and more if they were the kind of subs that go under water.

That's why I'm amazed.

Well done everyone on being amazing dads with amazing dad jokes. No matter what kind of dad you are - inside or outside expected dad norms - keep the world laughing and shaking their head.

(I'll keep this stickied for a short period of communal celebration and then go back to the shadows as normal. Keep doing you, dads.)

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad is Gossip Girls

So my dad is usually really quiet and "submissive" right? Like he doesn't do a lot of loud things except find the distance the chicken had to travel to cross the road in a bad dad joke.

Anyway, whenever one of us(a 6 people family) comments about something in a small group of 1-3 people, he's always got all the information. He just... knows. For example(this happened like 10 minutes ago): Me: "Wow, this tea is pretty sweet today." Mom: "well, did you sweeten it?" Me: "I d-" My dad shakes his head. Dad: "No, the person who made the tea added double the amount of sugar you previously added to the jug." Mom: "Who?" And then he points to the bedroom before I can tell my mom who made my glass of tea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charlestheseventh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
a lady walks into a bar

"What will it be?" The bartender asks. " A double endentre. " she requests. The bartender gave it to her.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I worked two shifts at the coffee shop yesterday and another two shifts today.

I guess you could call it a double double.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgirl995996
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know why I always misspell wacum?

People tell me to spell it with double Us.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/d4l4p0ny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What is an agent who works for Starbucks & Tim Hortons called?

A double-double agent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The second floor bathroom was closed for service today

Now the first floor bathroom has double doody.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techcaleb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Carrots may be good for your eyes...

But whiskey will double your vision.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpankMeDaddy22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
What comes after you pee?

After you pee, then dee oh double-you enn.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad Stopped At McDonalds

After we received our food, somehow they messed up our order.

My Brother: Dad, they gave me McChickens instead of McDoubles.

Dad: Looks like they made a McStake.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnCrunchDaPimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this last night.

I was wearing Wilson socks, and they have a big 'W' on each of them.

Dad walks in and sees them:

"What does that stand for?....Weft and wight?"

Doubles over in laughter at his cleverness.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/positiveside
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Waiting in line at Disneyland

A few years back the wife and I were waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland, and we were stopped next to a cast member door. One cast member was leaving for their break and asked if they could cross, and we kindly backed up a little for her. As she opened the door another cast member was coming out, who also crossed in front of us. I immediately turned to my wife and exclaimed "We've been double crossed!"

πŸ‘︎ 749
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scaryuncledevin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
🚨︎ report
When our first child was on the way, my wife told the doctor in maternity β€œWe’d’ve been here sooner if my husband could drive better”

And I said, β€œHoney, watch out for those double contractions! They’re brutal.”

There shouldn’t’ve been another one for at least 10 minutes,

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My parents were showing us pictures from their vacation

Mom: Look how big our bed was! It was two double beds pushed together.

Sister: Couldn't you feel the crack though?

Dad: I tried a few times but your mom kept smacking my hand away.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/titties_forever
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2014
🚨︎ report
What does a Canadian turkey say?

Double double

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SecureEarth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who has crossed the ocean twice, but didn’t shower either way?

A dirty double crosser

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eluceadtenebras
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m Syriasly sick of all these gas attacks!

Yes it’s a double pun. This is probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HansCrotchfelt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …

Help-desk : double click on β€œMy Computer”. Lady : I can’t see your computer.. Help-desk : No .. Click on β€œMy Computer” on your computer. Lady : How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ??? !! Help-desk : There is an icon labelled β€œMy Computer” on your computer .. double click on it. Lady : What the hell is your computer doing on my computer ?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teachdis
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Having gay parents must be horrible...

Like, you either get double the dad jokes or get stuck in a infinite loop of "Go ask your mom". I can't imagine the pain.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DamnDanielToHell
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Still in the shadow of the master dad.

My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately.

We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, "Looks like the yolk's on you".

I said, " NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it!" as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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Carrots might improve you vision....

but beer doubles it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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Ever since I can remember my dad has had the same joke at a restaurant when asked what he wants to drink....

β€œI’ll take a double vodka soda on the rocks...but hold the vodka”

Confused waiter every. Single. Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldau47
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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Today I met a guy whose last name was Rapier.

I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "raper."

I guess his name is a double-edged sword.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drake_n_bake
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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My Daughter was born today

Her name is Vilje (Norwegian) And we have a girlfriend over to visit. My daughter is just laying there looking around and I say that she is just chillin. We should change her name to Chillje. I got a double eye-roll. I think I am ready to be a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fr8oper8er
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
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I was watching a war movie today and a guy's leg got blown off...

I couldn't tell whether it was CGI or a stump double

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegame20
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
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I was playing in the darts final

Threw the first dart. Umpire says β€œdouble twenty”. Threw the second dart. Umpire says β€œdouble twenty”. Threw the final dart and a nun stood up, hit her straight on the head and killed her.

Umpire says β€œOne nun dead and eighty!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomicheart99
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
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The guacamole incident

So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.

After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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You did what to a toy monkey?

So my daughter owns a toy monkey called Mimi.. It's her fave monkey of all time it goes everywhere.

Anyway Mimi was covered in flour from a days worth of mucking around with homemade play-dough.

As I'm putting her to bed I'm attempting to knock all the flour off Mimi before giving the monkey to her.

She got grumpy that I had Mimi and I said to her without thinking "Just wait a second Daddy needs to finish de-flouring Mimi... "

I'm just glad she doesn't understand that particular double-entendre

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πŸ‘€︎ u/insanemal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Punsters of Reddit, I need your help

So I need a pun or simply clever line for a lock breaking-up with a key. Some ideas I've had include:

>"You just don't unlock me"

>"I don't think we're a good fit"

I realize these aren't really puns, but /r/DoubleEntendres doesn't have quite as much traffic. Any help would be appreciated!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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Got Dad Joked by my 10 Year Old

My two sons and I were picking up our dog from boarding. My 9 year old points to a sign that says "Puppy Kindergarten" and says that our dog should be in puppy pre-school since he is only three. I respond saying that in dog years, he is old enough to hang out with me at a bar. My 10 year old, without missing a beat, said, "Make mine a double...I've had a ruff day!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/octobert
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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One of my friends accidentally painted his wife with cheese twice yesterday.

That's right, he double gloucester.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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Double D's

On a road-trip to Ohio, wife needs to use the new electric breast pump to feed our 3 week old.
W-What batteries does this thing take?
Me- Double D's.
W- Get out. I'm driving.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sh4yde
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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What do you call a chicken who crossed the road, fell into the mud and crossed the road again?

A dirty double-crosser...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XLeoInTheDarkX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
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A Man Gets Into A Taxi

A man walks out of his work building and hails a taxi. He gets into the taxi and says, "Take me to the sandwich shop up on 45^th street." Ten minutes later they arrive, and the cab driver checks the console. "That'll be $12.00." The man is shocked. "This route used to be only $6.00! What happened?" The taxi driver explains. "Well, construction was blocking the usual route, so I had to double back and take a longer route." The man considers this, then shrugs.

"I guess that's fare."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlausBaudelaire
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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In Rogue One, When Vader tells Krennic "Don't choke on your aspirations"

It's actually a double pun and enters the realm of dad quality

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryguy894
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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there is a serious lack of possible bear puns, can any of you think of more?

The problem with bears as a pun topic is that there are only 6 possible puns and most of them are stretches.

  1. bear double meaning with tolerate

  2. pandanother thing

  3. grizzly double meaning with horrific

4)kodiak double meaning with camera

5)koalalifications

6)and Ursidae the family classification can be shortened to sound like ursa and be used instead of "or so" like in the phrase "or so i was told".

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
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Like sex on a dolphin

Coworker to me: "Did you mean to do that?" Me: "Like having sex on top of a dolphin." Coworker: "WTF?" Me: "You know, I did it on porpoise."

Crickets.

Edit: My son is only 4 so I'll be saving this one for when hes a little older Edit:Edit: Yes I know a dolphin isnt a porpoise. You obviously got the joke to point that out, it has innacuracies and bad puns yet you get it. Double groan which is the goal of a dad joke. First post ever and I hate you Reddit for not recognizing my dad joke original brilliance. Yeah I might rage quit dad jokes on my first post ever which is about sex on a dolphin .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mover_guy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
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Why did the chicken cross the road roll in the mud and then cross back over the road

Because he was a dirty double crosser

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrashMannCo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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Why did the chicken roll around in dirt then cross the road twice?

Because he wanted to be a dirty double crosser

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinkninja1228
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?

Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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