My wife and I have decided we don't want children
We plan on telling them after supper
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 05 2022
Don't use it as a cup either
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 09 2022
Don't worry if your phone corrects 'fuck' to 'duck'
You're still using fowl language.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 20 2022
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 20 2022
Why Don't We Have a Reality Show Where Flat Earthers Walk to the End of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 11 2022
My friend claims that he βaccidentallyβ glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Feb 07 2022
Don't mess this up Minnesota. Betty Whiteout is the obvious winner, but some other solid puns here as well.
π︎ 624
π
︎ Feb 05 2022
Don't be rude, guys... The server is down!
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 27 2022
Please don't use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes....
π︎ 333
π
︎ Feb 18 2022
Don't ever challenge Death to a pillow fight
If you do, you must be prepared for the Reaper cushions.
π︎ 235
π
︎ Feb 26 2022
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 07 2022
I don't trust stairs
They're always up to something
π︎ 31
π
︎ Mar 02 2022
Why donβt kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
π︎ 579
π
︎ Feb 22 2022
Donβt fart in the apple store
They donβt have windows
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
Don't spill...
π︎ 223
π
︎ Feb 07 2022
Donβt ever argue with triangles
Theyβre either too obtuse or think theyβre always right.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 07 2022
I hope the Kardashians don't go to the beach this year.
All we need is more plastic in the ocean.
π︎ 136
π
︎ Feb 27 2022
No jokes about Russia and Ukraine please, don't be a Donbass
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 26 2022
I donβt know who needs to read this β¦
β¦ but here goes: βThis.β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 23 2022
I don't understand why people think doughnuts are umhealthy
They are whple bread afterall
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 25 2022
What do you call a person who gets mad when they donβt have bread?
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 07 2022
Don't Become A Vegan
It'll be a big missed steak.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Feb 23 2022
Why donβt eggs tell jokes?
Theyβll crack each other up
π︎ 207
π
︎ Feb 08 2022
Why don't electricians wear underwear?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Mar 07 2022
This morning, Siri said, βDonβt call me Shirley.β
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
π︎ 184
π
︎ Feb 13 2022
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
π︎ 244
π
︎ Jan 26 2022
Why don't French people ever eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un Εuf
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 18 2021
So what if I donβt know what apocalypse means?
Its not the end of the world
π︎ 879
π
︎ Jan 07 2022
I only have one thing to say to people who don't like the police
Don't stand so close to me
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 09 2022
If you don't pay your exorcist
π︎ 111
π
︎ Feb 15 2022
Donβt worry about the girl who lost her left arm and leg.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 06 2022
Whale I don't regret buying it
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 03 2021
A duck waddles into the drug store and says, βSorry, I donβt have my wallet today but I really need to buy a condom.β The pharmacist chuckles, βNo problem, shall I just put it on your bill?β The duck exclaims quacks in surprise...
βSir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?!β
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 07 2022
People don't believe me when I tell them Trump is the Prime Minister of Canada
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 19 2022
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 24 2022
Don't...
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 07 2021
Some people don't believe the Mongols conquered anything.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 01 2022
Donβt be worried about your iPhone and laptop spying on you
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
π︎ 229
π
︎ Jan 22 2022
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
π︎ 27
π
︎ Feb 27 2022
I won't use elevators. I know they work fine. I just don't trust them.
They're always up to something.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 19 2022
My wife and I have decided we donβt want any kids .
Weβre trying to figure out how to break it to them.
π︎ 706
π
︎ Jan 08 2022
I don't wanna brag about my finances or anything, but my credit card company calls me every day.
Just to tell me my balance is outstanding.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Mar 05 2022
Of COOS pigeons donβt echo, silly!
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 22 2022
I don't like toilet humor
It's the butt of all jokes
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 02 2022
If you get a message about canned meat from me, don't open it.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 26 2022
I hate people who don't brush their teeth.
They're a plaque on society.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 13 2022
You don't want to be a chimney sweep with me?
Alright then, soot yourself.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Feb 09 2022
I'm trying to come up with the perfect punchline for a joke about people who don't exercise...
But none of them seem to fit.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 06 2022
Why donβt pigeons echo?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 22 2022
I donβt trust stairsβ¦
Theyβre always up to something
π︎ 133
π
︎ Jan 24 2022
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