Don 2 Puns

Should I feel bad for hating so many numbers? Nah. God just wants us to love everyone.

Then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show

But someone else said it was 1 in 5. So which is it?

Crew: I I Caprain.

1. I don't have a Ferrari

2. I don't have a girlfriend.

It just doesn’t taste whole.

But 3 lefts do

I said thanks for your 2 cents.

But it's the thot that counts.

A pair-a-dogs

1 is that I prefer sitting down. The other is that I'm not funny

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3959

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."

The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

Did you hear about the frog that parked illegally?

Don't worry, it got toad.

When suddenly the chicken appears and says, "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!"

I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.

You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.

It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!

I don't know how these people sleep at night

I don’t know why he was upset

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Don't ask meow.

I told her, "Don't worry, it's worth the whisk."

I’ve been telling my son “whoever stole my…” jokes and making him groan. I need more. Please help!

Whoever stole my coffee I don’t know how you can sleep at night Whoever stole my radiator the heat is on you Whoever stole my electronic repair kit you’re in for a shock…

Because they don't have a single funny bone in them. Except in the arm. That's humerus

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room. He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out. Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance. Some days I just feel like I don't have the capacity for raising kids.

Kids: I don’t know.

Me: Sorry…fresh out of that.

This back and forth dialog happens several times a week in my house.

They're also pun-ishingly bad! You should be pun-alized for it!

Edit: >!I normally don't do this but let me explain the joke/post. Please notice the pun-chline below the title.!<

>!The idea behind this post was to make a pun out of the controversial topic of this sub and nothing else.!<

>!I'm the "devil's advocate" when it comes to both sides. I love both SFW and NSFW dad jokes. Also, there are many prude cultures in the world where parents don't use NSFW jokes with their kids even as an adult so it makes sense why they won't think an NSFW joke is not a dad joke. Reddit is not limited to western culture.!<

Edit 2: A lot of people have been sharing links in this post. Don't click them. They might be scammers.

I don’t know how to deal with it.

I'm a 40's something female. The last time I went to visit my Dad, he was having a hard time reading the print on my shirt. He's got no filter and asked "What do your tits say?" I didn't hesitate and answered "Nothing, Dad, they're tits and don't talk..."

You don't, you get down off of a goose.

I don't know what he season her

I was going to have a poll but that type of post isn’t allowed here. I’ve been seeing a lot of jokes that others wouldn’t count as dad jokes. There seems to be a lot of stances on the matter.

I personally don’t mind them as long as they’re not offensive to a specific group of people and marked as NSFW, but I just wanted to see what everyone else thought. Just want everyone to be happy and feel welcome here 🙂

Bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here

It’s for-Biden . (Forbidden)

Ok don’t kill me with politics responses . It’s just a joke.

and immediately crashes it, killing several people.

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.

The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.

He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.

Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.

They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. “A single banana,” he says.

“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”

The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.

“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

To clarify, he is a soccer player Don't worry, he's still alive and kicking

Edit: I just wanted to thank everyone for the awards, and the upvotes

Sorry if anyone found this offensive ⚽️

I don’t know y

Well, of course you don't. They're really good at it.

Will it ever stop? yo I don’t know

I don’t know what that is but apparently I have 80 of them. Wooohoooo!

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."

We don’t get why, because its an eggsact Replica.

OK so I'm the mom but I've got all jokes!

My husband says "I met our neighbor and he's a train engineer from a long line of rail workers." To which I replied.. sounds like he got railroaded into it or maybe he just came to a crossing. I'm sure he didn't want to blow his own horn though. Is this joke running out of steam?

At this point my husband walked away saying " this is why I don't talk to you" 😂

Just as he swings back his ax to begin his first chop, the tree cries out : "Wait! Don't cut me down! I am a talking tree!"

The lumberjack momentarily stunned stops, but then goes back to chopping down the tree saying, "Well then mate. I guess you're going to just have to dialog!"

I don't deal with high maintenance people

Seems like common sense. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never eaten any monkeys..

"I don’t even know where that is!"

But I don’t think it’s gonna fly.

The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!"

Don't worry, it's just a small calf injury

If you missed our last event don't worry, because there will be another one. /r/dadjokes will be hosting an open mic night using reddit's new feature Reddit Talk! Come, hang out, test the new feature, and tell us your best dad jokes! You can join using either the Official Mobile App or the Desktop Redesign (aka New Reddit).

They don't have Windows.

I give her a nightly dad joke from this forum.

Tonight she got me

Hey: what’s a kidnappers favorite shoes

Me: (not expecting a dad joke)I don’t know

Her: white vans

Me: speechless.

I don't see why they can't both date me, though. After all, Sharon is Karen.

I don’t think I’d be able to B positive

I don't know about you, but I'd rather have the lion chase the elephant.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

But 2 Wright's make a hell of an airplane

I  don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!