Every Christmas, journalist Tony Ortega makes a post called "Does Shelly Miscavige Know It's Christmas?" Shelly, 60, who is the wife of Church of Scientology leader David Miscavige, vanished from public view in 2005. Save for a single appearance in August 2007, she has been in deep isolation for over 15 years.

Tony Ortega's website, which reports on Scientology through documents, leaks, and interviews with former cult members, is the source for most of this information. Links to sources at the end!!!

Shelly's Disappearance: A Timeline

• January 18, 1961: Michele "Shelly" Barnett born
• 1970s: as a young teen, Shelly joins the Commodore's Messenger Org (CMO), working closely with L. Ron Hubbard. This Scientology in-group later evolves into the Sea Org.
• 1982: Shelly marries fellow CMO member David Miscavige
• 1986: L. Ron Hubbard dies and David Miscavige assumes control of the cult
• 1990s: the Miscaviges move to the Scientology compound known as "Int Base" or "Gold Base," located in the desert in Riverside County, California. Their legal address, however, is one of Scientology's properties on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles.
• 1980s-2000s: Shelly acts as an assistant to her husband in his role of leading (aka micro-managing) Scientology. According to some former members, she helped "audition" actresses to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend when he was single in the early 2000s.
• circa 2004: Growing more abusive and controlling, David Miscavige creates a place called "the Hole" on Int Base, to imprison and punish his staff who displease him. Tensions in the Miscavige marriage; David spends too much time with his "personal communicator" Laurisse "Lou" Henley-Smith, and Shelly suspects them of an affair. According to Valerie Haney, who was the Miscaviges' assistant and Shelly's personal friend, David and Lou were not in a sexual relationship at that time.
• summer 2004: at a party in Tom Cruise's honor on Scientology's cruise ship, David and Shelly fight and he denigrates her in public.
• summer 2005: David Miscavige leaves Int Base to work in Los Angeles, leaving Shelly behind. Normally, they would travel together, so their relationship is apparently hanging by a thread. At one point, Shelly corners Scientology executive Mike Rinder, who had just returned to the base from working with David in LA. She asks him if David was wearing his gold or his platinum wedding ring.

I’m a single male (33) who lives alone in Denver. My apartment complex is not what you would call a nice building. I’m on a road close to Colfax Avenue, which if you’re familiar with the geography of this area is not the safest boulevard in town. I’m a few streets away from it, but close enough that I wouldn’t consider this an up-and-coming neighborhood.

This evening I was watching Netflix on my couch. My two cats were cuddled up against me as I lay under a comforter. The night before I had watched a horror movie that was scary enough to leave me in an unsettled mood, making it hard to sleep. So this night I decided to watch a stand-up special instead; keep it light so I wouldn’t have any trouble getting some shut-eye.

I have classes early then next morning, so I was surprised when I made the conscious decision to turn on a second stand-up special and let myself fall asleep on the couch. I was just so comfy where I lay and didn’t want to move; not even to turn off the several lights on throughout my apartment.

I remembers dozing off around 11 o’clock. It was effortless, which meant I was really snug under the covers with my cats flanking me on either end, creating a tucked in feeling. I fell into a dream wherein I was on an impromptu date with this guy, whom I didn’t recognize, at a Blockbuster video store. He bought me blue and yellow underwear (you know like a Blockbuster would sell in dreamland), insinuating I would take the hint of his intentions. He was also desperate for a job, so when we got to the counter he was given an off-the-cuff interview that didn’t go well.

And all of a sudden I’m not sleeping anymore. I’m woken up by a knock at my door. Then a man’s voice says “Maintenance.” I just sat there, sitting bolt upright on my couch. I knew something was off. I looked at my phone, which was by my left hand, and the time was 2:15am.

I didn’t move. The floors in my apartment are old wood and there are many creaky floorboards. I didn’t want whoever was knocking to know someone was at home and awake, let alone alert to his presence. My cats got up and ran over to the door as they normally would, but I stayed still and listened.

After a few minutes with no answer, the man walked away from the door and down the hallway to the stairs. A moment after that I heard the back door to the building swing open and closed. I have one window where I have a partial view of that door, so I break my paralysis and race over to it.

I saw an old-looking green SUV

My wife grew up in a town where people kept their doors unlocked. Cookie-cutter houses, manicured lawns, silver minivans adorned with “my child is an honor student” bumper stickers. We’ve all visited a town like it. Maybe you’ve lived in a similar town. Maybe you live in one right now. Out of respect for the victims, I won’t say the name of my wife’s hometown. (_______town should suffice.) But just know, it was a slice of all-American middle-class comfort pie, a place where bad things simply did not happen.

I never intended to live in such a town but ended up in one anyway. At the time, I was in my late twenties. I had wanted to move to Los Angeles to take one last shot at my childhood dream, a career in screenwriting, but my wife, Melanie, whom I had married young, wanted to stay put on the east coast to be near her parents. After much deliberation, we agreed that we would move to Los Angeles on the condition that, first, we stay with her parents for nine months, so she could spend quality time with them before heading out west.

“And think of all the money we’ll save not paying rent,” she had said. “You won’t even have to work full time. You can just focus on writing.”

At the end of our lease, we put our furniture in storage, said goodbye to the trendy Brooklyn neighborhood we had called home for the past seven years, and headed to the suburbs. The adjustment, at first, was surprisingly smooth. With access to a big backyard, a dog to play with, and a car for running errands, I found myself wondering why I had ever put myself through un-air-conditioned subways and high-rent shoebox apartments. But after a few weeks, the rosy newness wore off and was replaced by a vacant malaise. The problem was, there was nothing to do in _______town. No-thing. I longed for Greenwich village arthouse movie theaters, Chelsea galleries, hole-in-the-wall restaurants. I even missed sweating on the subway. At least subway sweat was interesting.

My boredom was at its worst in the afternoon. With the move, I had gotten a part-time as a video editor at the local news station. I worked the night shift, which paid well, but meant that I hardly spent any waking hours with Melanie—or anyone else, for that matter. I thought that the solitude would be a fruitful source of writing inspiration, a way to get a head start on a feature script or a T.V. pilot before we went to LA. But it was not to be. Melanie’s mom ran a daycare in their home, meaning that between 3 and 5

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

[first] [prev] [next]

"Like everyone else in known space, I too sat in front of the Tri-Vee, eating caramel coated kettle corn, drinking Moloko++, and watching the Trial of General Trucker." - Former Grand Most High Sma'akamo'o, from I Have Ridden the Hasslehoff

7th ARMY BUGLER

All News, No Rumors!

THE TRIAL OF GENERAL TRUCKER MOVES TO BOARD DELIBERATIONS

What can we say after the last week?

From the Lord/Lady of Hell (Herm of Hel?) The Detainee acting as Prosecutor to the defense's argument that General Trucker would have been negligent in not utilizing the Vānaras System and the Black Cauldron Protocol to prevent 'substantial civilian casualties' in direct violation of his oaths, to the fact that multiple Biological Apostles sit on the board, the last week has been nothing but shock after shock.

The fact that The Detainee claims to be representing not only the Confederacy, the civilian population, but also the rank and file in her role as prosecutor has struck many barracks lawyers mute. Often, we of the rank and file view JAG more as a nemesis than an ally, usually due to taking such a dim view of things like Tank-o-Rama and Catch the Bayonet, so the fact that the Detainee spelt out that the job of JAG is to protect the service as a whole was a stark reminder.

As of now, the board has heard the closing arguments and gone into seclusion, where the board will begin deliberations on General Trucker's fate.

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?]

193rd SPECIAL TROOPS ARRIVES ON TELKAN

With the "Kennel Black Box" opening, nearly 25 million canines and felines of all different levels of Uplift have rejoined the galaxy. With that number are trained soldiers from the military forces of Pre-Glassing TerraSol. Among them is the 193rd Special Troops Brigade, 3rd Marine Expeditionary Forces, from the Hamburger Kingdrom's dark and violent history.

After careful consideration ConfedMilCom has assigned the 193rd to Telkan, to be integrated into the Telkan Marine Corps. The 193rd is entirely made up of Nobilis, all trained and with combat experience from Terra's dark past.

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?]

632nd AND 432nd SPECIAL TROOPS BATTALIONS REJOIN V CORPS

After an absenc

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

Timeline of Events Related to the Murder of Gabby Petito

2020:

Gabby and fiancé, Brian Laundrie began dating in 2019. They had been living together at the home of Brian and his parents, located in North Port, Florida. They became engaged in July of 2020.

June 2021:

Gabby and Brian go to Blue Point, Long Island, New York for the high school graduation ceremony (17 June) of Gabby’s younger brother. They stayed and spent time with her family.

July 2021:

Gabby and Brian set off on a cross country road trip in a 2012 Ford Transit Connect Van on 02 July 2021.

Throughout July, Gabby and Brian visit Monument Rocks, Great Sand Dunes National Park and Preserve and eventually find themselves visiting National Parks located throughout Southern Utah.

July 31:

Gabby posted another photo from Canyonlands National Park (Utah) before a 12 day absence from Instagram.

August 12:

Police in Moab, Utah respond to a 911 Call placed by a man identified as, ‘Christopher’ who’d witnessed a domestic dispute between Gabby and Brian. The incident report says officers were called near the Moonflower Community Co-op in Moab around 4:30pm for a 'possible domestic violence' incident involving the couple. By then the pair had left the location from which the call came, but the white Ford Transit Connect was pulled over by police a short time later. The police report states that the van was traveling at 45 mph in a 15 mph zone. Body cam footage of this stop has been released by Moab Police.

According to the police report, the responding officers recommended that the two spend the night apart. Both expressed they did not want to separate, but in the end, Gabby kept the van and Brian was taken to a hotel for the night. Officer Eric Pratt notes that both reported ‘they are in love, engaged to be married and desperately did not wish to see anyone charged with a crime.’ Both also told him that Gabby suffers from ‘serious anxiety.’ (Source)

August 13:

Brian Laundrie had also been posting photos to his Instagram account, documenting the trip. His posts ceased on August 13.

August 17 - 23(?)

Brian Laundrie allegedly made a trip back to Florida. This comes via the Daily Mail and is taken from a now-deleted Facebook post that was made by Gabby’s step

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

The world’s most beloved mass-murderers, along with their friends and family, all gathered once a year for their annual awards ceremony at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles. It was an event that was NOT to be missed, at least not by anyone who was a fan of Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, and the like. Similar to any other award show, the most important prize was saved for the end, which in this instance was Killer of the Year.

Jeff, who had been nominated for that most important award, had been slouching awkwardly in his seat as some of the earlier, less impressive trophies had been handed out. He didn’t care who won in categories like Newcomer of the Year or Most Creative Kill With a Kitchen Blender. However, as the big moment arrived, Jeff sat forward in rising anticipation.

The emcee’s booming voice sounded out over the pavilion’s sound system. “And now, here to present the award for Killer of the Year is last year’s winner, Bill the Sadistic Clown! And presenting along-side him is everyone’s favorite electrocutioner, Electric Sandy!

The crowd offered some light applause as the two presenters entered from opposite flanks and approached the podium. Sandy, a punk-rock looking killer, cleared her throat and looked at the teleprompter. “We all know that murder is usually wrong,” she began, “but every once in a while a killer comes along who raises the bar and turns it into an art form. And we’re here tonight to celebrate those rock stars of the murder community, those who have intrigued us, and those who make us appreciate the exquisiteness of a well-orchestrated butchering.”

Bill the Sadistic Clown took over from there, dutifully reading his lines from the teleprompter. “Yes Sandy,” he said woodenly, “and we are lucky to have four such murderers here tonight.” He squinted hard while trying to read his lines. “And speaking of murderers Sandy, did you know there’s life after death?”

Sandy took her turn reading her lines. “Really? There’s life after death, Bill?”

“Yes,” Bill said, “just not for the person who got killed pause for laughter.”

The crowd remained mostly silent as a couple of people could be heard clearing their throats. Still in his seat, Jeff whispered angrily to his assistant Janet sitting next to him. “I can’t believe I lost to this moron last year!”

“Shh…” Janet said with a wave of her hand. “They’re just about ready to get on with it.”

Back on the stage, Bill the Murdering Clown continued with his awkward presentatio

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I won't be doing that today!

This was originally a WP from the humans are space orcs subreddit with this text.

"Intelligent machines and human beings are considered fully equal.

The trust and companionship humanity shares with its AI partners is so unbreakable that any AI can take full control over a humans body whenever they deem it necessary or know the human wont mind it."

https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/comments/qufmyr/humans_and_ai_share_bodies_and_are_in_constant/hku9csl/?sort=confidence

Jammed it out on my keyboard in between World of Tanks and Netflix. As usual, critique and feedback are always welcome.

Edit1: Edited a couple of sentences for clarity.

BEGIN!

KeeLark adjusted his blade beneath his cloak as his eyes scanned the crowded boulevard. The mass of various races whorled chaotically with no discerning pattern as they went about their day.

He suppressed the urge to taste the scent of the crowd, the mix more likely to confuse and distract him than to allow him to home in on his target. He would have to trust the intel provided. The Arbelli ambassador would die today.

----

Margot7362198, Kuanyin888811 this is Hanes3672584.

Please provide close up examination of individual identifier 9647TA. Gestalt imaging shows 9647TA is behaving outside the parameters.

Hanes3672584, this is Margot7362198.

Huh, you're right. Didn't notice that before. Doing a gun and run.

Kuanyin888811 here.Definitely suspicious, intercepting.

----

Marie Dupont pushed her way through the crowd holding tightly to her possessions; Getting pickpocketed would be the height of embarrassment. A visual overlay showed her the best path through the morning rush which gave the other races the illusion that most human's seemed to flow through a crowd.

Coming up in front of her were a pack of foot tall Skolids, their colourful, bushy tails with bells raised waist height as was their custom. Intending to avoid the group be going right, she blinked as she found herself going left.

She mentally shrugged away her puzzlement and looked back at the quickly receding pack.

"Must have been distracted by their tails. I must be tired." She muttered to herself.

Even as she turned back to follow the path she ran straight into a cloaked individual. She backed away hurriedly hands raised in supplication. A Rorqur by the looks of it. Couldn't mistak

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

[Removed]

You take away their little brooms

It was about a weak back.

And then shook his arm really fast.

(True story, please groan with me.)

A play on words.

When I got home, they were still there.

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭