Derp Puns

Your ability to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Me: because we shouldn’t waste food?

.

.

.

7yo: No, because they will grow up to be Dumps.

(I have never been so proud of her. Her older sisters almost choked on their food, laughing out loud)

Well I'll be dammed...

sqrt

So I fired up the grill and said this is good biSon before going out to get milk and cigarettes

DK

Capitalist

My sincere apologies in advance 😉

because it was wrist(rest)less

I bet you didn't notice I put a letter in there either.

You just checked. You now realized there is no letter.

You also didn't realise I replaced the 'L' in 'letter' with an 'I'.

And now you realised that I didn't.

Have a nice day and enjoy.

Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he's feeling constipated. Watson replies, "Yeah, no shit Sherlock!"

guy: how did your friday night go?
girl: it was amazing, we were all trashed. I ended up pulling a muscle
guy: wait... you went to the beach!?
girl: what? no, why?
guy: where else are going to pull a mussel?

the guy then proceeded to laugh at his own joke. Not sure if he was a dad, if not then he is on the right path

Edit I derped on the spelling of mussel

My wife and I were hanging out in our room when the cat walked in. I looked at it and told her to give us some privacy, and she left. I said to my wife "oh shit, she knows English! She's a spy!" My wife goes "yeah, I think she's a plant." Without thinking, I replied "nope, she's a cat." Now my wife refuses to acknowledge me when I talk. Worth it.

edit: derp typo