Jiu Jitsu is Defined as:

1.) The act of folding someone’s clothes while they are still in them 2.) Making someone do yoga against their will

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akioakashi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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How would you define propaganda?

When a British person gets a really good look at something.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chongno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs...

I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skeeball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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A "helen" could be used as a measurement of beauty, defined as a face that could launch a thousand ships. However, one should not use a "millihelen" to mean that a face could only launch one ship...

...because you shouldn't put metric prefixes on Troy units.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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It Gives Me No Pleasure to Define Anhedonia.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiderOfCheese
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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Define comma

Well, there you go

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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It's hard to define how Soylent Green tastes

It varies from person to person

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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Why is 1 = 0 ??

Cos 0 = 1

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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Definately not the bones.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_ordered_chaos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Define: Acorn

In a nutshell, it's a tiny oak tree.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Philboyd_Studge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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What defines a room in a magical house?

Four Grindelwalls and a Dumbledoor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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My body is nicely defined.

If you look up the word "flabby".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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What do you call a book that defines blessings

A benedictionary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshil0217
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word "bargain".

It means a great deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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Thanks to whoever defined plethora.

Seriously, it means a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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If Oprah created a career-defining musical performance around green vegetables...

It would be Oprah's Okra Opera Opus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnivyXiang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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My body is very well-defined.

If you look under the word "chubby".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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Space shuttle made of keyboard keys does not contain any space bars
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oscar_Lilja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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I think this one speaks for itself
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salad_memes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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[META] r/puns rule 6 changes

tl;dr explain every single pun you make or else it gets removed.


For the sake of cleaning up a lot of my mod queue, whenever you make a post, explain it. There's been more and more rule 6 reports as of late, so this should help clear up a lot of that. This rule change is to lessen confusion and simultaneously help us clear out the reposters who are too lazy to even read the sidebar before posting. formerly rule 6 was:

Post must be a pun and must be explained in the comments. If your post or image isn't self-explanatory, you must comment on it with enough information for readers to get the joke.

We are now changing it to:

Post must be a pun and must be explained. No exceptions! You must explain your pun somewhere in the text or in the comment section.

###IF YOU DO NOT EXPLAIN YOUR PUN, IT WILL BE REMOVED!

carry on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Got banned from r/aww this morning because of a bad pun. Merry Christmas!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AaronDidntMessUp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Illeagle use of punnage.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaces_are_evil
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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The joke that defines my dad.

Me: My back hurts.

Dad: How's you face?

Me: Fine...

Dad: Really? Because ITS KILLING ME!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePresident11
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2013
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Not too sure how to link FB conversations, but my pa definantly made a note worthy comment.

Me:

hey what are you up to

Dad:

5' 11". How bout u?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolbox2959
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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Everyone's talking about who is getting the best head,

And to that I say, definately not Louis XVI.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urak47
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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How do flat-earthers travel the world?

On a plane!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattellis77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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My students are catching on...

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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Can you solve this pun? imgur.com/31JmJ92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
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My son had a dictionary in his pocket, so I said…

"Look at you, smarty pants!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2017
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What happens when a math teacher explains 0/0 to a Dictionary?

It becomes defined.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x3astu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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My life motto...

...is "Don't be defined by a quote".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies

Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...

Me: ...and some aren't!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crgk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
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Sex tape [x-post from /r/funny]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cakesmite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2012
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I was looking into my neighbor's yard when my brain started channeling Rick Springfield.
Jessie is a friend,
Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
It ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a grill and I want to make it mine

And he's grilling chicken thighs,
And he's smokin' racks of ribs, I just know it!
And he's holding pool parties late, late at night...

You know I wish that I had Jessie's grill...
I wish that I had Jessie's grill...

Where can I find a burger like that?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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My wife was wondering what the world would be like if we just all stopped fighting.

I said, "Well, I guess then we'd all be bakers."

"???"

"Because we'd be making loaves, not war."

The look on her face was priceless, and she must have groaned for five full minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunnrhildr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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I really appreciated the frozen daquiri after our first date.

I'll definately keep using Blendr.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofspork
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favourite sport?

A quid each.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-dogshit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My dad demands an "upstairs maid" for my parents' one story house.

He says it's only fair since Mom has a pool boy.

...Neither of these things are true. He says this all the time. Pls help.

Edit: They don't have a pool either.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/attacktheblock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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Happy pi day

I'm not celebrating pi day this year... I've only just recovered from e day on February 72nd.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beeteedee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Got a female friend of mine with this one.

me: define a "normal" girl for me

her: normal as in, not me

me: well, that's a pretty broad group.

her: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesseac
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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The joys of Chicago

So I am on my way home from work on the 12:25 northbound. The train is filled with drunk Bears fans who are passing out on seats. The conductor just messaged, "Reminder to all Bears fans, this is the last train of the night. Please keep your Bear hats, Bear shirts, and Bear feet off the other seats so that others may use them."

It was a good chuckle, definately worth remembering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nemesis0320
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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My Dad dropped what might be the most obscure joke I've heard

Basically we somehow got on the topic of hipsters and irony. My Dad wanted to make a sort of pun to annoy my sister, because she hates puns.

Now I figure most people would make some sort of reference to an iron "e", and that would be it. But oh no, that's far too simple for him. He says something along the lines of,

"If they're ironic (or defined by irony), doesn't that make them Pharisees?"

So you've got to know that "Ferrous" refers to iron, and then to have some basic knowledge of the New Testament or at least have heard of the Pharisees before. This kind of works on another level because the Pharisees were accused of saying one thing and doing another, which could be said to be ironic to some degree. Of course I've just killed the frog at this point, but I mean if you're ever around some Chemists who have some knowledge of the bible, you might get a slight chuckle, or perhaps even a nod. I'm not really even sure if this qualifies as a Dad joke, but there ya go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raptor-Llama
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Dad just dropped a union joke on me.

"How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?"

"I dont know."

"Ask them to define the word 'unionized'!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lethalweapon100
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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