"You need to buy a different size bra!"
Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"
Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"
(x-post from r/Jokes)
While perusing a large collection of jewelry at the store -
Clerk - "Can I help you?"
Dad - "I wan't to get my wife of 12 years something nice." Gestures towards the wide banded necklaces in the case
Clerk - "Do you want a choker?"
Dad - Pauses, smiles and says "Only when she's acting up."
There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.
Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."
Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?
Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish
Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"
Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw
I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πππ
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
[the Three Stooges pick names out of a hat, to determine who gets to marry which girl]
Larry (Larry Fine): I got Florabell!
Florabelle: Darling!
Moe (Moe Howard): I got Corabell!
Corabelle: Oh, Darling!
Curly (Curly Howard): I got Stetson! What one is she?
(from the Three Stooges short film, The Sitter-Downers)
Getting ready to leave the soft play. My daughters are 5 and 3, this was the youngest one.
Daughter: Daddy, can you put my shoes on? Me: I don't think they'll fit me, darling. Daughter (looking exasperated): No Daddy, I mean put them on me!
So proud.
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, βDarling, don't you think itβs time to tell him heβs adopted?"
Mum says to her loving husband: Am i the only one youβve ever been with Loving Husband: Of course darling. The others were all nines and tens!
Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!
Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead
I used the bathroom last night while my girlfriend was showering, and forgot to close the door on my way out.
GF: Honey!
Me: Yes, darling?
GF: What's the difference between a hot shower and the NFL?
Me: Uh, what?
GF: Well in one of them I look forward to the draft.
:-I
I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)
You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.
"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"
"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."
Mom (to my dad): You forgot to button the last button on your shirt.
Dad: But darling, I'm just displaying my.... 50 Shades of Gray.
Mum is serving the vegetables:
Mum: would you like some peas? Dad: oooooh! yes peas darling.
Girlfriend: Can you go and put the kettle on? Me: Don't think it'd suit me my darling.
she was in her graphics class and her teacher, mr. sleight, walked by with a ladder. she asked him what he was doing and he replied "getting high."
she then texts me and complains about his incessant dadjoking. I tell her "darling, you're dating me. you're going to have to realize that dadjokes will not be only a sleight thing in your life."
she was disappointed.
