I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."

"You need to buy a different size bra!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So c’mon and let me know ohhhh..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slomaroma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."

Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!"

Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

(x-post from r/Jokes)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/radixhidayat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
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A gift for you, darling.

While perusing a large collection of jewelry at the store -

Clerk - "Can I help you?"

Dad - "I wan't to get my wife of 12 years something nice." Gestures towards the wide banded necklaces in the case

Clerk - "Do you want a choker?"

Dad - Pauses, smiles and says "Only when she's acting up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexJWhite86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
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Joke by my wife

There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.

Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."

Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?

Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish

Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"

Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw

I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trenlow12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Texas Lady

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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The Sitter-Downers, starring the Three Stooges

[the Three Stooges pick names out of a hat, to determine who gets to marry which girl]
Larry (Larry Fine): I got Florabell!
Florabelle: Darling!
Moe (Moe Howard): I got Corabell!
Corabelle: Oh, Darling!
Curly (Curly Howard): I got Stetson! What one is she?

(from the Three Stooges short film, The Sitter-Downers)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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My daughter had her first Dad Joke experience earlier

Getting ready to leave the soft play. My daughters are 5 and 3, this was the youngest one.

Daughter: Daddy, can you put my shoes on? Me: I don't think they'll fit me, darling. Daughter (looking exasperated): No Daddy, I mean put them on me!

So proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gazcobain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A fantastic jokΓ©

Mum says to her loving husband: Am i the only one you’ve ever been with Loving Husband: Of course darling. The others were all nines and tens!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Astronomix_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?

Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
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Father in law on fire this Sunday afternoon

Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megpuss21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2016
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So we're doing shower related dad jokes?

I used the bathroom last night while my girlfriend was showering, and forgot to close the door on my way out.

GF: Honey!

Me: Yes, darling?

GF: What's the difference between a hot shower and the NFL?

Me: Uh, what?

GF: Well in one of them I look forward to the draft.

:-I

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cg407
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2016
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So today I bought some fish...

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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My dad cracks himself up.

Mom (to my dad): You forgot to button the last button on your shirt.

Dad: But darling, I'm just displaying my.... 50 Shades of Gray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnoopyLoves
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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Dad got us at dinner.

Mum is serving the vegetables:

Mum: would you like some peas? Dad: oooooh! yes peas darling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eddiethepanda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
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Just dad joked my girlfriend

Girlfriend: Can you go and put the kettle on? Me: Don't think it'd suit me my darling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marsox33
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
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dadjoked my girlfriend after she was dadjoked by her teacher.

she was in her graphics class and her teacher, mr. sleight, walked by with a ladder. she asked him what he was doing and he replied "getting high."

she then texts me and complains about his incessant dadjoking. I tell her "darling, you're dating me. you're going to have to realize that dadjokes will not be only a sleight thing in your life."

she was disappointed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinorThunder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
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