Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?

Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squeth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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My dad was always to afraid to join the army.

His psychiatrist calls it general anxiety.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0tuniqueEnuf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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My Step-Dad was telling a story about when he got carbon monoxide poisoning when he was in the Army.

I asked "Did you tell your... CO?"

He didn't get it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ymir24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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My brother and dad were talking about a story from work and my brother goes, "I just had major deja vu." My dad immediately perks up and says, "Major Deja Vu? Wasn't he in the French army?"
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calctea
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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Visiting the Terracotta Army, my Dad took my joke and raised it

I was looking at one of the damaged soldiers, which had only one hand. I said to my dad 'Look, he's 'armless'. My dad, without hesitation, pointed to a group of soldiers which were complete only up to the neck and he said 'those ones just laughed their heads off at that joke'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adewdropnun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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Dad dropped this one after the Army-Navy Game

Me: "Apparently the Navy quarterback broke the single season rushing touchdown record for a QB." Dad: "Funny, I thought the army was supposed to be better on the ground." He was far too proud of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vert123peat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.

Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.

"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.

Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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The first time my dad met my mom

It was over 30 years ago and they were both in the army.

Dad: "So, where are you from?"

Mom: "I'm from Maine."

Dad: "I'm from Maine, too!"

Mom: "No way! Which part?"

Dad: "Main part of Texas."

She always jokes that she should have walked away at that moment. :-)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lizonya2013
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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Dad Jokes defuse tense situations

I was home earlier than normal, and dad was in basement.

Dad: "Who's there, I'm armed." Me: "I'm legged." Both: Laugh. Tension gone

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riftrender
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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What's a Pirates Favorite ....

Dad: what's a Pirates favorite crime?

Me: uh ... ?

Dad: ARRRRson! What's a Pirates favorite type of socks?

Me: I don't know dad.

Dad: ARRRRgyle! What's a Pirates favorite branch of the military?

Me: rolling eyes it's the ARRRRmy.

Dad: acting confused No, it's the Navy. Why on earth would they like the army better?

Hopefully not a repost but I very clearly remember getting caught by this one and stuttering with no response.

πŸ‘︎ 580
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrossCheckPanda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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Son doing his Geography homework...

Son: Dad, where's the Andes? Dad: At the end of your armies!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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My dad said this last night.

So a little backstory, my parents take the dog for a walk every night. My mom is in college (lol napoleon dynamite) and she takes a marine biology class.

So they were on one of those walks last night, and they were talking about ants. My mom's question was whether or not ants sleep. My dad replies saying, "Why are you asking me? You're the one in a biology class." To which she replied, "I'm in a marine biology class, I don't think there are any marine ants."

Without skipping a beat, my dad came up with the most incredible response...

"Why can't there be marine ants? We already have army ants."

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrematureSquirt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
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Really good joke about ye old, empty barn.

Now I know where my dad got it from

....

Frazer: Captain Mainwaring. Did I ever tell you the story about the old, empty barn.

Mainwaring: Um. No.

Frazer: Would you like to hear the story about the old, empty barn?

Mainwaring: Um. Yes. Listen everybody. Frazer's going to tell us the story about the old empty barn.

Frazer: Right. The story of the old empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.

....

A dad joke stolen from Dads Army.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAPoorBoy42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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I don't think that's how it goes dad

As my dad is looking through the pantry... "We got enough chips to sink an army!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toughnutz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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My Dad On Putin

Hey jahfyah, do you know where Putin keeps his armys? ...

No dad

...

...

...

Up his sleeveys!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JahFyah710
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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Watching movies with my Dad.

Watching war movies with my Dad, especially war movies can be a drag sometimes.

For example:

Guy on TV - FIRE AT WILL! Dad - Which one is Will?

Or

If there is supposed to be a large rally or army and there are only a few people there, he will say

"There are literally dozens of them!"

And every time he chuckles to his own jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mybodyisreadyyo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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Dad: Wanna wrestle?

Over-confident teenage son (me): You and what army?

Dad: My left army and my right army.

Miss you ol' man.

EDIT: Formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/circuitfive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My father's mentally 5 years old.

Dad: "Where does a General keep his Armies?"

Child/Teen/Adult me for the sake of the joke: "Where?"

Dad: "Up his Sleevies"

Admittedly for the first 3-4 years I heard this as a child I didn't get it at all but still rolled around laughing at how much my dad would laugh despite it's inherent oldness as a joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arandombritishguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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My dad's favorite armadillo joke...

Dad : What do you call an opossum wearing armor?

Me : I don't know, what?

Dad : An Armadillo. What do you call a large group of Armadillo?

Me : I don't know, a large group of armadillo?

Dad : No... ARMY-dillo!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/draxkthx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?

No son. I got shot in the leggy

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tsamblala
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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My son asked me, "Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

I replied, "No, but I was shot in the leggy."

πŸ‘︎ 467
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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Dad, were you shot in the army?

No son, I was shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snwbrdrmidget15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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Dad, did you get shot in the army?

No son, I actually got shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chanderjeet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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A son asked his dad if he was ever shot in the army

He responded with β€œNo I was shot in the leggy”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bagothetrumpet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Son: Dad did you get shot in the army?

Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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"Were you shot in the army, Dad?"

"No son, I was shot in the foot."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathshotCS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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Son: dad, did you every get shot in the army?

Dad: no. I got shot in the leggy

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bio1203
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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Army dad joke

Son: Daddy, did you get shot in the army?

Dad: No, son, I got shot in the leggy!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamNotAGoldfish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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Dad, did you get shot at in the army?

No son. I only got shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UmbrellaCorp1961
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
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I asked my Dad if he got shot in the Army.

I asked my Dad if he got shot in the Army.

He said no, he got shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/designer-username
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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one day a young boy was asking his dad about being in war

son: dad, did you ever get shot in the army?

dad: no son, I got shot in the leggy.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wumbojimbo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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Shot in the army

Son: "Hey dad"

Dad: "Hey son"

Son: "Were you ever shot in the army?"

The dad gets tears in his eyes, as he looks up remembering the distant past. He turns to his son with a solemn face.

Dad: "No, but I was shot in the leggy"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amessersmith109
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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