A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.
He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.
((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))
So we were at my football game discussing what positions everyone was playing. This is how the conversation went.
Dad: okay so who's playing in de gate?
The team: confused what do you mean, where is de gate?
Dad: oh, its next to defence.
First of all, yes my family have rap battles over facebook, we are that white. It's been a fun rap battle of sorts, and my dad just threw down then well... Here is the conversation:
Father: Parental rap battle, game over with this one...
Father: You say we are weak
that our rhymes are the worst
Just remember my lad that we were here first
Rap didn't begin right now with your gang
It started with ours and came out with a bang
That we can't rap - on Twitter you say
o what a betrayal, Et tu, Brute
Oh no, oh snap, did that happen here
Dad threw down some latin from Will Shakespeare
I'm done with this battle and now I'll decree
Just remember my apple you fell from this tree
Me: I honestly have no words.
Father: Shit.... [TheLegitMidgit] is speechless. How could that be?
Me: Color me impressed.
Father: Is that green?
Me: Stop while you're ahead.
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
So I was having dinner with my father attempting to describe to him a bad experience I had while playing a game of League of Legends with my boyfriend. The conversation went as follows. " SO yeah, I was Evelynn a champion who can go invisible and my boyfriend told me to go back door their nexus, which is to go attack it when the team isn't there to defend it's kinda a cheep tactic, but ended up not working. Sigh" I look up at him and he replied completely straight-faced "At least you can't get pregnant that way" Needless to say I blushed profusely.
this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it.
so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic... to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie.
it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child "Nemo"
instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says "Ha! I found him! that was fun." and walks away.
tl;dr: my dad beat the whole family in a game of "Finding Nemo"
At my brothers hockey game with my Uncle, father of 2, who we are describing the players to.
"Then those two! They are twins, they're 12 and 18" - me
"Holy crap! I though my daughters had a long labor. That must be a record!" - Uncle
Collective sigh from people who weren't even involved in the conversation. Success.
My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.
"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."
"Were you going to season it?"
"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.
"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.
"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.
"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.
"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.
.
.
.
TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡My Dad plays this App Game on his iPad and part of it is part of a "Clan" made up of various team mates from all over the world. Whenever their character levels up they get to pick certain power ups and my Dads due to Level up soon. He had the following conversation with his team mates.
Dad - "On my next Level I'm gonna get a Piecost"
Team Mate 1 - "What's one of those?"
Team Mate 2 - "I've never seen one, what are they?"
Team Mate 3 - "YEAH. WHATS A PIECOST?"
Dad - "About £1.50!"
In the middle of a conversation I was having with my mom about old retro games and consoles being pretty expensive these days for collectors, my dad walks in and says: "It's too bad son, your gameboy never grew up to be a ...gameman"
So. We were listening to the Cardinals almost throw a game to the Titans earlier and the conversation went like this
Me: hey dad is this Sirius radio. We have one in our car too.
Dad: no, sometimes it's funny also.
