My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open”.
My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is absolutely insanely high and that he’s going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.
I told him “Fine, my door is always open.”
I quit my job as a human cannonball a few weeks ago, but my boss keeps calling me to come back.
He says they can’t find anyone of my caliber.
My IT data analyst buddy was so excited to come to the gun range with me for his first time.
But he had troubleshooting.
My wife didn't initially seem very supportive when I decided to use my free time to produce my first movie, "Stick." I knew she had come around though when she obliged my request to name the sequel for me.
My girlfriend's sheep got loose and she wanted me to come over and help get them back in the barn
I told her - that sounds more like a ewe problem.
My wife asked me if I wanted to come to yoga.
I replied, “Namaste home.”
My sister called panicking, asking me to leave work and come over because her husband was having a heart attack.
When I got there he was fine...the story was just A fib.
My neighbor called and said my home security was too lax. He offered to come over and give me some tips.
I told him my door's always open.
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back!
But all I wanted was one night stand.....
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
My niece asked me to come look at the toilet because it was smoking.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say,
‘My dad can beat up your dad.' I’d say ‘Yeah? When?'
Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping
He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible
Come with me if you want to live in the swamp
My coworker told me he was going to open his own shop and call it “Indian Brothers Automotive”. He asked me if I wanted to come with him…
Why didn’t he want to come with me in my Camry?
He wanted to go in his own Accord.
I've always read how peoples kids have come up with witty amazing dad jokes.. And finally I can join that club. My 7 year old daughter said this to me today: "Daddy, the eyelash and the lipstick were in a fight"....
But don't worry, they'll make up 🤣🤣
When I need a friend to come eat in the forest with me...
My mom falls for this every time I come home ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
I said "her name was Reese something" and my mom replied "WITHERSPOON???" but I said, "No, with a knife"
My grandmother asked me when she gets to come to my wedding?
I said it's planned for neverember.
My teenage son wants me to start paying him to do his homework, clean his room, and come home before midnight.
But I don’t see why I should pay him for being good. When I was his age I was good for nothing!
Me: Before your friends come over, you need to clean your room
Kid: But Daddy . . .
Me: I'm not your butt Daddy, I'm your real Daddy.
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
Joe - "Hey Mike, sorry it took me so long to come over I decided to walk". Mike - "Why didn't you ride your bike?"
I asked my friend to come to the gym with me. He said he was busy for the next 7 days....
Bit of a week excuse if you ask me.
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I can’t see you if you don’t move.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My wife won't come to Mexico with me.
She thinks I will try tequila.
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
I have a boomerang joke I can’t seem to remember it maybe it will come back to me
I do seem to remover it went over people’s heads
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
My friend loves puns and I told her to come check out this page. She kept telling me she couldn’t find it....
Good job coming dad. (3 year old son after he told me to come eat breakfast)
Me: Mommy tells me that all the time.
He has a near photographic memory, I'm hoping one day when he's twenty he coughs out his cold cereal in college as he gets the joke.
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
Me: Dude! Come with me to the storage! I organized all the philosophy theses into plastic boxes with hanging files!
Unimpressed Friend: So, Crates...
I had a guy come up to me at the store the other day as I was browsing the candy section and proclaimed "I refuse to eat Werther's originals!" Confused, I asked "Why's that?"
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh
A friend asked me to come and have a look at his broken extractor fan
I told him I don't have much experience in cheering up former tractor enthusiasts but I'll give it a spin.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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