The seating columns at my church are going through a period of awkward changes...

***Pew***berty, in other words.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why have you never seen ants or bugs going to church?

Because they're insects.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_amazing_Jedi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in church the other day and the vicar was pointing his finger going "Pew, pew, pew". I asked him if he was pretending to fire a laser pistol or something...

He said "Nope, just counting the seats".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the narcoleptic who stopped going to church?

He was a collapsed Catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers..

At risk is cross-contamination.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/random_feedback
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if your socks are going to church?

They start to become hole-y

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skippy439
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2016
🚨︎ report
What church do Palpatine and Vader go to?

The Sith-steen chapel

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t go to church much…

But I do drink religiously...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't birds go to church?

Mostly because they shit everywhere...but also because of their their fowl language.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was it so hard to go to church in England after WWII?

They were Church-ill

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benfrank01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a gamer sit when they go to church?

In the pew pew.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/she_had_a_name
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: β€œDon’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She is watching our wedding video again.

πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does the skeleton go to church?

It keeps him on the straight and marrow.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why's a church the worst place to go during a war?

Because of all the pews.

pew, pew, pew pew pew!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a genderless person that hasn't been to space and doesnt go to church?

It doesnt matter.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samarpaul77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the skeleton go to church?

Because it didn’t have any organs

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehsreworiginality
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
[To someone with ripped jeans] Did you go to church in those jeans?

Because they’re really holy

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usereddit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
When do Mathematicians go to church?

Only on Sumdays.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seudonim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t ants go to church?

Because they are insects.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackRoseLizzy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to church?

he was a blas-femur

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Splaaaty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
🚨︎ report
What church does the cheese go to?

The holy one

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upvotemyposts123
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What's it called when Batman doesn't go to church?

Christian bail

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goku_Kakarot91
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
You may not believe me, but every time I go to church I wear a huge parka..

Ice-wear to God.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of food can go to church?

Perishable food

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimHP
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don’t mathematicians go to church?

β€˜cos they have no sins

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pungunner98
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Even when we'd go to church, he'd make me laugh

My dad conversing with my mother...

Dad: I hate wearing these stupid socks with all the holes in them.

Mom: Then why would you pick those socks?

Dad: I have to wear my "holy" socks to church.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Which is stretchier -- rubber or skin?

Skin, because Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem.

(A mom joke! By my 88-year-old church-going mother-in-law.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MintOtter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, β€œHey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, β€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, β€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, β€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?” β€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” β€œI don’t know,” says God. β€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, β€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leoninator123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought my wife was going to a cat addicts meeting

Turns out she was just going to the cat-holic church

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unstablereality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Using my toddler for the setup

My wife was getting ready for church and I was in charge of dressing the kids. I got my son dressed and told him to go tell his mother.

Son: "Daddy and I are best buds".

Wife: "That's great to hear".

Son: pulling on his sweater and upset "No, we're best buds".

Wife: "I know, you said that before".

I walk in with a matching outfit "No, we're vest buds!"

πŸ‘︎ 638
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imaffett
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
🚨︎ report
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!'

She was watching our wedding video again.

πŸ‘︎ 163
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tsir18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the T. V "Don't go in the there, don't you go into that church you idiot!"

She was watching our wedding video again

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV

'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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When I'm wearing jeans with holes in them..

Dad: Are you going to church today?

Me: wut

Dad: you're wearing your "Holy" jeans.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/al-xicon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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