Chubby Johnson Puns

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

Here is all the penis slang I could find, courtesy of the internet

1. A

2. Ace in the hole

3. Acorn Andy

4. Action Jackson

5. Adam Halfpint

6. Admiral Winky

7. African black snake

8. Afro man

9. AIDS baster

10. AIDS grenade, The

11. Alabama blacksnake

12. Albino cave dweller

13. All-day sucker

14. Anaconda

15. Anal impaler

16. Anal intruder

17. Anal Spear

18. Ankle spanker

19. Apple-headed monster

20. Ass blaster

21. Ass pirate

22. Ass wedge

23. Astralgod

24. Auger-headed gut wrench

25. B

26. Ba-donk-a-donk

27. Baby maker

28. Baby's arm holding an apple

29. Baby's arm in a boxing glove

30. Bacon bazooker

31. Bacon rod

32. Badboy

33. Bagpipe

34. Bald Avenger, The

35. Bald butler

36. Bald-headed beauty

37. Bald-headed giggle stick

38. Bald-headed hermit

39. Bald-headed Jesus

40. Bald-headed yogurt slinger

41. Baldy-headed spunk-juice dispenser

42. Ball buddy

43. Baloney pony

44. Banana

45. Bat and balls

46. Battering ram

47. Bayonet

48. Bavarian Beefstick

49. Beard splitter

50. Bearded burglar

51. Beastus maximus

52. Beaver buster

53. Beaver Cleaver

54. Bed snake

55. Beef baton

56. Beef bayonet

57. Beef belt buckle

58. Beef bugle

59. Beef bus

60. Beef missile

61. Beef soldier

62. Beef stick

63. Beefy McManstick

64. Bell rope

65. Belly stick

66. Best leg of three

67. (Big) Beanpole

68. Big Dick & the twins

69. Big Dickus

70. Big Jake the ene-eyed snake

71. Big Jim and the Twins

72. Big Johnson

73. Big Lebowski

74. Big number one

75. Big Mac

76. Big red

77. Big rod

78. Big Uncle

79. Biggus Dickus

80. Bilbo Baggins

81. Bishop, The

82. Bishop with his nice red hat

83. Bitch blaster

84. Bitch stick

85. Bits and pieces

86. Blind butler

87. Blind snake

88. Blood blunt

89. Blood slug

90. Blood sword

91. Blow pop

92. Blowtorch

93. Blue steel

94. Blue-veined jackhammer

95. Blue-veined junket pumper

96. Blue-veined piccolo

97. Blue-veined puss chucker

98. Blue-veiner

99. Blunt

100. Bob

101. Bob Dole

102. Bob Johnson

103. Bobo

104. Bone

105. Bone phone

106. Bone rollercoaster

107. Boneless beef

108. Boneless fish

109. Boner

110. Boney cannelloni

111. Bone-her

112. Bop gun

113. Bottle rocket

114. Bow-legged swamp donkey

115. Box buster

116. Boybrush

117. Bradford and the pair

118. Bratwurst

119. Breakfast burrito

120. Breakfast wood

121. Broom

122. Brutus

123. Bubba

124. Bulbulous big-knob

125. Bumtickler

126. Bush beater

127. Bush rusher

128. Bushwhacker

129. Buster Hymen

130. Buster McThunderstick

131. Butt blaster

132. Butt pirate

133. Butter churn

134. Butt

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

[Removed]

There hasn't been a post all year!

You take away their little brooms

It was about a weak back.

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

Why

A play on words.

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap