Christmas Cupid Puns

Last year, I was given a lot for the holiday's so this year I wanna give back.
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As everyone knows people are struggling due to new expensive sets and the old halloween update. So I decided to hand out free 100k's to 5 winners of random choice! 💘
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How to enter? All you gotta do is drop your user and proof that you NEED these diamonds (ex. ss your diamonds, posting to your profile and linking it!)
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Solid proof will get you entered!
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WEDNESDAY is when the giveaway will end, winners have 2 days to respond, if N/A someone else will be picked.
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PLEASE if you clearly do not need these extra diamonds don't be greedy, some people aren't fortunate enough to farm or buy gamepasses, some people need this.
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FOR THE MODS:
Proof of Diamonds

It seems as though he's not actually that famous.

You know something? In all the hubbub, I forgot to give you kids your Christmas presents! Whoops!

I was just gonna keep them all for myself, or donate them to some starving orphans, but I guess I'll let you brats have them instead! That's just the kind of stand-up guy I am!

So here ya go, kids! The presents that were placed in front of each of your doors!

Truth Bullets

Motive: Students were told that Santa would be observing all of their movements for the next 24 hours and making a list of their naughty and nice interactions. The students would then be ranked from naughtiest to nicest, and rewarded or punished accordingly.

Monokuma File: The victim in this case is Santa, found stuffed up the chimney in the detective lab on the fifth floor of the academy. Cause of death, unknown. Time of death unknown.

Body Discovery: Santa’s body was found stuffed up the chimney in the Detective Lab at 7:30 PM by Angie, Tsumugi, Kiyo, and Kokichi.

Maki's Autopsy Report: Due to the charred nature of the body and clothing, it’s impossible to tell cause of death. Since the body was charred but wasn’t completely burnt up, it was likely only in the fireplace for about twenty or thirty minutes.

MonoMono Machine Presents: Monokuma claims to have rigged the MonoMono Machine to dispense presents according to a “certain theme” but did not specify what that theme actually was.

Monokub Sentries: A MonoKub is always standing guard outside the door to the Detective Lab to ensure that no unauthorized persons may enter. The MonoKub on duty had the key to the room on a long chain around their neck, so they couldn’t lose it.

Christmas Treats: Monokuma gave students a bunch of Christmas treats after breakfast, including gingerbread men, candy canes, mandarin oranges, and cookies.

Body Discovery: Santa’s body was found stuffed up the chimney in the Detective Lab at 7:30 PM by Angie, Tsumugi, Kiyo, and Kokichi.

Debris on Carpet: There are a ton of cookie crumbs all over the carpet and a few small flecks of something white, as well as a number of drops of blood.

[Fire

Smite gems available for PC users:(Offer!)

Paypal prices without fees.(Friends and family) Comment here before sending pm.

I recently grinded alot of the Christmas items (Trees, Ornaments, Candy Canes, Snow) some of these items got trade prices already, and some don't.

Is it better to sell these items now, or should i wait? Does these item prices normally go up, or down?

Sorry if its an stupid question, any help/advice will be greatly appreciated.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 12 and we have 3 wonderful children. All through 2021 things have been rocky due to multiple factors... pandemic, career change, failed buisness, etc.

During this time she has become increasingly verbally abusive towards me and things have just escalated for the most part.

On Christmas Eve I noticed our oldest child had been on the family laptop the night before so I went to check the history to make sure he wasnt looking at anything inappropriate for an 11 year old. What I found was my wife's dating profile on OkCupid, a secret bank account, and a secret email account with hundreds of messages between her and another man.

I feel something inside of me unraveling, and I'm alternating between intense sadness and a dark anger. If it wasn't for my children and mother I probably would have done something stupid. I don't really know where I'm going with this, or with the rest of my life now. Just had to get this out there.

>“We’ve got it,” Fred whispered. “We’ve been improving it." [Percy’s Head Boy] badge now read Bighead Boy.
>
>Harry forced a laugh.
>
>– ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’: at the Leaky Cauldron

Percy Weasley is mocked, pranked, insulted, belittled and laughed-at, including by his own father, in his last three years at Hogwarts. He works exceptionally hard: 12 OWLS and a flush of NEWTS, Prefect, Head Boy. This outstanding, high-flying student then joins the Ministry of Magic, the only Weasley kid to follow in Arthur’s footsteps, where he is promoted twice within a year.

Percy is not dashing and daring like Bill, not a sportsman like Charlie. To secure recognition in the swelling family he commits to an idea: to be the good boy. He has swallowed box-and-all Molly’s diktats on rules and propriety. Unlike the Twins that follow, he is never in trouble. Percy is his mother’s favourite, which brings him into conflict with his more liberated brothers and sister. His mother shoves Percy’s immaculate behaviour down her children’s throats, inviting their animosity, making him a target. Percy succeeds and his parents reward his success: 12 OWLS = Screech Owl. But this arrangement has a flaw. Failure is not an option: Percy must be perfect or nothing.

Ambition is a strong streak in the Weasley children. Percy’s Mirror of Erised reflection would not be dissimilar to his brother Ron’s, just switch Quidditch Captain to Minister for Magic. Percy, like his brothers, wants to be a hero to his family. Bill and Charlie are sensible enough to pursue careers abroad. Percy, the fool, goes to the British Ministry. The boy who cannot make mistakes must make his blunders right under his family’s nose.

BOOKS! AND CLEVERNESS!

>There was Percy, jumping up and down like a maniac, all dignity forgotten.
>
>– ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’: Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup

Percy is not exactly who he appears to be. In ‘Chamber of Secrets’, he delivers one of the slyest, driest jokes in the series when he advises Harry on new subjects: “It's never too early to think about the future, so I'd recommend Divination.”

Pomposity is a shield against constant mocking. Given his advanced spellcraft, Percy is a saint not to flatten brother Fred during the Burrow years, or to murder him in his bed. Such is Percy’s prestigious magical skill he later transfigures Pius Thicknesse into a sea urchin: “Hello Minister! […] Did I mention I’m resigning?”

Percy is

‘Twas the night before Christmas, but Covid was here, So we all had to stay extra cautious this year. Our masks were all hung by the chimney with care In case Santa forgot his and needed a spare. With Covid, we couldn't leave cookies or cake So we left Santa hand sanitizer to take.

The children were sleeping, the brave little tots The ones over 5 had just had their first shots, And mom in her kerchief and me in my cap Had just settled in for a long winter's nap. But we tossed and we turned all night in our beds As visions of variants danced in our heads.

Gamma and Delta and now Omicron These Covid mutations that go on and on I thought to myself, "If this doesn't get better, I'll soon be familiar with every Greek letter".

Then just as I started to drift off and doze A clatter of noise from the front lawn arose. I leapt from my bed and ran straight down the stair I opened the door, and an old gent stood there.

His N95 made him look pretty weird But I knew who he was by his red suit and beard. I kept six feet away but blurted out quick "What are you doing here, jolly Saint Nick?"

Then I said, "Where's your presents, your reindeer and sleigh? Don't you know that tomorrow will be Christmas Day?" And Santa stood there looking sad in the snow As he started to tell me a long tale of woe.

He said he'd been stuck at the North Pole alone All his white collar elves had been working from home, And most of the others said "Santa, don't hire us! We can live off the CERB now, thanks to the virus".

Those left in the toyshop had little to do. With supply chain disruptions, they could make nothing new. And as for the reindeer, they'd all gone away. None of them left to pull on his sleigh.

He said Dasher and Dancer were in quarantine, Prancer and Vixen refused the vaccine, Comet and Cupid were in ICU, So were Donner and Blitzen, they may not pull through.

And Rudolph's career can't be resurrected. With his shiny red nose, they all think he's infected. Even with his old sleigh, Santa couldn't go far. Every border to cross needs a new PCR.

Santa sighed as he told me how nice it would be If children could once again sit on his knee. He couldn't care less if they're naughty or nice But they'd have to show proof that they'd had their shot twice.

But then the old twinkle returned to his eyes. And he said that he'd brought me a Christmas surprise. When I unwrapped the box and opened it wide, Starlight and rainbows streamed out from inside.

Some letters whirled round and

“Who the fuck are you?” I slurred, trying to sound intimidating as I propped myself up in bed.

Of course, I was wearing nothing but Frosty the Snowman boxers, so I wouldn’t have presented much of a threat if I rolled out of the sheets to confront the intruder in my bedroom.

He snapped his fingers, and my lamp turned on.

My blood turned to ice. “The fuck did you do that? What are you?”

He stepped into the lamplight, bells on his curly shoes jingling. “What do you think I am?” he asked, indicating his pointy ears.

“You look kind of like an elf,” I answered, rubbing my eyes.

He folded his arms over his red and green striped shirt. “‘Kind of.’ Sure, We’ll go with that. Look, Clement-”

“How did you know my name?” I interrupted.

“You’re on The List.” He rubbed his temple. “In fact, you’re on the… you know, the list you’d rather not be on.”

My mouth went dry. None of this seemed possible. “It… sounds like you’re actually talking about Santa’s Naughty List.”

He stared at me in disappointment.

“Is this because, um, I… kind of… jerked off on Christmas?”

He stared at me in disappointment.

“What do you want from me?” I asked, pulling the covers up to my chin.

Have you ever been scared in your own house? That’s the purest form of terror. Your home should be the last bastion of security; when that isn’t safe, the world is a dark place indeed.

I followed the intruder out of my bedroom and into the hall, every hair on the back of my neck standing on edge. I had no idea what to expect, but each situation I imagined was horrifying.

I turned the corner, and my stomach turned to ice.

A long, black leg was sticking out of the chimney, shining in the moonlight. A cloven hoof was attached where a foot should have been.

I leapt back and crashed against the lamp, sending it clattering to the floor.

“It’s going to take more than that to wake him,” the intruder grunted.

I teetered on the edge of hyperventilation. “Is that-”

“Krampus, yes,” he explained, folding his arms.

I nodded, not understanding.

The elf lit a cigarette and sighed.

“I, um, don’t allow smoking in my house.”

“You don’t allow Medieval Germanic mythological beings into your house either, but here we are,” he sighed, blowing a stream of smoke.

“Uh, right. So – wait, what’s your name?”

“To pronounce it correctly, I’d have to rip out your tongue. Call me ‘Kreacher.’”

“Right,” I answered. “What’s my role in all of this?”

He took one long drag of the cigarette and looked at the t

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open. "Oh no!" he said. "Some of the reindeer may have escaped!"

Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

"Good evening, Santa," said the angel. "Where do you want me to put this?"

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.

The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”

“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.

Past Threads

Source is RIAA website.

#Singles

The doctor says it terminal.

*FEELING MUSHY*

I saved all my cards for Christmas. I didn't realise it would be a bit overwhelming. Thank you so much for your patience. You guys rock!

Right now, I am just listing it all out. Will keep tagging in chronological order in the comments over time for the detailed thanks.

For those who sent me something and are not in this list, I will be contacting, sometime in the future, all the OP's whose offers I claimed to see what happened. If it's not here, I have not gotten it yet. For countries I've never received from, I can't guess the reason. But maybe, they are on a long journey around the world. I assure you if it ever reaches me, I will let you know.

u/Top-Butterscotch4127

u/reindeerfrog

u/isitlightagain

u/birdiebennett x2

u/ContessaLolaMontez

u/CupidKat

u/finishingthetea x2

u/funtonite

u/TigerLady13 x2

u/sparklingsnow46 x2

u/germymany

u/dogluvr1815

u/cookalot x 4

u/samanthaYoga

u/not_napoleon

u/LaCuntessa x9

u/boobafatt13

u/PricklyPots

u/rain_o_o

u/umeshufan x2

u/zennet

u/FollowingTheBeat

u/YesmynameisYes

u/ninajyang

u/arstarz

u/nixotiza

u/moqjyn

u/mushroomappreciation

u/terrorcatmom

u/soft_distortion

u/shadesoflanternhill

u/qw46z

u/NoHumidity

u/stephkempf

u/mayonnaise42

u/senshipluto

u/zombiheiler

u/SkywardGiraffe

u/amanitamarie

u/TheFeistyFox x2

u/cswl x2

u/sarcastic_tortoise

u/Lydi-ahaha

Thank you so much! I am beyond speechless right now.

I love everything you have sent and have put it all in a nice album. I will revisit everytime I want a boost of happiness.