Gaseous Clay.
My son was playing “shop” and sold me what I thought was a “strawberry with legs”.
My wife corrected me and said “it’s a strawberry with LEAVES. What kind of strawberry has legs…?”
The response came instinctively; “One that leaves”
The eye roll from my wife was perfect.
My karate lessons finally paid off.
They whine about taking a few jabs and complain about rights.
Naan violent
I don't know why such a radical change is necessary.
Goes by the name of Rocky Balboa Constrictor.
I haven't seen him since 2005
so we decided on not spanking him for a week, he was furious
He looked devastated. I told him, "Don't worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up".
Staged perfectly in the ever scentiful Bath&Body works at a mall.
Me: "Hey mom, do you know a guy named Champ?"
Mom:"Champ, is that a nickname?"
Me: "No, its his actual name."
Sister chimes in "Well whats his last name?"
Me: purposeful "Huh?"
Sis: "Champ who?"
Me: ":)"
Sis: "-GROAN- God fucking damn it."
Because he was a fungi
I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight
The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist
To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!
It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"
Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
He would be the reigning Raining champ
...his dad jumped up into a boxing stance and said, "what round is it". For you kiddies, rotary phones sounded like a bell ringing.
Backstory, he often reminded us we were talking to the 1940 something pacific fleet middle lightweight champ.
He was a great guy and I miss him.
Wife says, "I'm gonna go jump in the shower..."
I reply, "Okay, be careful, don't fall in there, it's slippery with all the soap and water..."
She still uses that phrase and I just keep nailing it like a champ every single time.
