Cardamom.
He thought he was supposed to protect and swerve.
Yeah, they were sham rocks.
He was trying to do some meth
Police said it was a dead giveaway.
Because most people are told to fall back on their training.
Really. No strings attached.
His boss found out, and now he’s in deep shit.
I picked up my daughter after being outside in the cold and she started squirming from the touch of my ice cold hands. My wife asked for her back and I said "not unless you pry her from my cold dad hands"
It wasn't my brightest moment.
They have recovered a set of stolen golf clubs and arrested one man. But they are still looking for the driver.
I didn't get charged with robbery. I got charged with assault and battery.
The other night at the dinner table my wife was giving some advice to my son. He is too young to really understand, but sometimes we'll give him advice anyway, and it usually reflects something we wish we could do over again in our own lives.
My wife: "Son, make sure to study abroad in college if you get the chance."
Me: "Make sure to study a few, if you can."
now ther is NO ESCAPE.
The police found him in his apartmint.
I got home from work yesterday, and the first thing my daughter was was "Daddy, I made brownies!"
"Wow, I said, can eat one?"
She pulled out a plate filled with the letter 'E's made out of brown construction paper. (brown E's).
"You can if you want to, but I don't think you'll like the taste!"
"Guess it's not part of the 12-step program anymore. It really fell off the wagon."
Mammoth, do you know what a shitsu is?
A breed of dog?
No, a zoo with no animals.
uuuuuuuurghhhhh.
I was putting a nice, businessy-looking side part in my hair, when my dad said: "Ugh! Who parted?"
He then chuckled until after I was out the door.
http://i.imgur.com/Bum1Jzn.jpg "Black to the Fuschia". Ugh.
We're standing at the meerkat exhibit and I said "Do you know how to call a meerkat?" ..." 'mere, cat!"
It was gloriously terrible.
We have a ten week old son and his humor has gotten lamer and lamer by the day. We moved our coffee table out of the way to vacuum and I said, 'It would be really cool to just put a giant love sack there instead of a table' (a love sack is one of those giant bean bag chairs).
He looked at me and without missing a beat belts out 'Cuz a loooove sack, is a little old place where....we can sit to-getherrrrrrr.' Laughs at his own joke... All the way up the stairs.
And it begins.
TL;DR Rock lobster
... they each got 6 months.
http://imgur.com/z0TOWbg
Dad: "That must have hurt wheel bad"
A random bug splats on the windshield
Dad: "What do you think was the last thing to go through that bugs mind?"
Me: "I don't know... what?"
Dad: "It's ass."
