Bumps & Bruises Puns

I have a friend who i care for a lot, but sometimes he can be annoying, lets call him Bobby.
I had hit my head and had a nasty bump and bruise dead-center in my forehead.

Bobby: wow! whats this fellas new name? (pointing at my bruise)
Me: His name is Bobby! he is a massive headache.

We still laugh about that one

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."