http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_wallow

It was an old hunter in camp and the hunter shared tobacco with him and told him of the buffalo and the stands he'd made against them, laid up in a sag on some rise with the dead animals scattered over the grounds and the herd beginning to mill and the riflebarrel so hot the wiping patches sizzled in the bore and the animals by the thousands and the tens of thousands and the hides pegged out over actual square miles of ground the teams of skinners spelling one another around the clock and the shooting and shooting weeks and months till the bore shot slick and the stock shot loose at the tang and their shoulders were yellow and blue to the elbow and the tandem wagons groaned away over the prairie twenty and twenty-two ox teams and the flint hides by the hundred ton and the meat rotting on the ground and the air whining with flies and the buzzards and ravens and the night a horror of snarling and feeding with the wolves half-crazed and wallowing in the carrion.

I seen Studebaker wagons with six and eight ox teams headed out for the grounds not hauling a thing but lead. Just pure galena. Tons of it. On this ground alone between the Arkansas River and the Concho there were eight million carcasses for that's how many hides reached the railhead. Two years ago we pulled out from Griffin for a last hunt. We ransacked the country. Six weeks. Finally found a herd of eight animals and we killed them and come in. They're gone. Ever one of them that God ever made is gone as if they'd never been at all.

The ragged sparks blew down the wind. The prairie about them lay silent. Beyond the fire it was cold and the night was clear and the stars were falling. The old hunter pulled his blanket about him. I wonder if there's other worlds like this, he said. Or if this is the only one.

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Pull up your fainting couches Rasputinsignors, this is the third installment of the Rasputina Joke Archive.

Part One

Part Two

For those uninitiated to the ritualistic ways of a Rasputina recital, the whole affair is peppered with jokes inserted interstitially amongst the melodies. With each era of Rasputina touring comes a new collection of unlikely, incongruous, and inconceivable humor bursted from the tightly corseted mind of Melora Creager.

https://preview.redd.it/y2mmf4z6t3c81.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=60b03d8d8d1b3cf7a27aa33cc3e44cb7d09a0c2d

Rasputina with Kulashaker November 7-23, 1896 / February 2-20, 1897

When Howard Hughes called me up last night, I didn't know what to think! Was he going to try to send me to some school in Hollywood, where they make you walk with a book on your head? If some eccentric, billionaire, hypochondriac aviator thinks he can tell me what to do...

Does extensive corset wearing require the use of a uterine plug, and where can I get one of those?" Uterine plugs, I mean.

We want to thank our sponsor- The best laxative known to man is a pure Crisco diet. Have it hot or cold- In a glass with ice. Slightly warm as a pudding or paste. Delicious anytime!

After Orson Welles masterwork, "Citizen Kane" was cooly received by the public he descended into obese debauchery. After Howard Hughes ran TWA billions of dollars into the ground, he continued doing what he had always done; namely prodding the golfball sized tumor on his forehead with a fountain pen.

It's a good thing we're all graduates of the Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, because we're too big to be jockeys.

As for Mr. E. Leon Rauis, no one but us knows of his mainlining formaldehyde, the iron shackles for maintaining his slender ankles...It's almost sad that you will never hear of this.

We all attended the Government School on the Reservation. That's where we get our seething mistrust of "The Man". And you know, "squaw " was originally our people's word for female genitalia. Let's not even get into "BuckEye"!

Sometimes we're afraid you'll think that we're pansy-ass fags for doing what we're doing, but we bet that each of you has a place in your heart o

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Every year The Athletic releases a consensus big board (https://theathletic.com/2530534/2021/04/29/2021-nfl-draft-consensus-big-board-70-lists-one-ranking-of-the-top-300-prospects/ - requires a subscription) which attempts to create a consensus draft ranking by aggregating other draft boards. I decided to take this a step further and write a quick script to simulate what each team's draft would have looked like had they drafted the consensus best player available.

There are two columns: "Consensus BPA" which represents the overall best player available that could have been drafted at the given pick, and the "Consensus BPA (By position)" column which is the best player available at the given position that the team actually drafted. One thing that stood out to me is how absurdly close the Lions actual draft is to the positional BPA shown here.

Some things to note are that the board may have some oddities due to either players being drafted that were not ranked on the board, or positions being slightly different between the consensus board and where I pulled my data from. The displayed positions are pulled from the consensus big board, to help explain the naming here is an excerpt I grabbed from the article:

>A quick note on position designations: “WRS” refers to receivers that will primarily be tasked with slot play, “DL1T” refers to nose tackles, “DL3T” refers to defensive tackles with more pass-rush responsibility and “DL5T” refers to players that can either play 3-4 defensive end or could be either an edge rusher or interior pass rusher. This updated version of the list has also added “NCB” to stand for nickel corners who will primarily be expected to play in the slot. It wasn’t originally noted but, “RBC” stands for a change-of-pace running back — primarily pass catchers who aren’t expected to be lead backs.

This is by no means a perfect and I haven't gone through every team to confirm things so if you see any inconsistencies please let me know and I can try to fix it and rerun.

Arizona Cardinals

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

Pilot on me!!

A play on words.

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

Okay, in the course of plotting my campaign for unsuspecting players I have, as always, been reading anything that catches my eye that can give the average player a bad day. With that in mind, I copied some months ago (for a different campaign, but still useable) some notes from a web article. Apologies, I do not have the original link available.

The basics though, not all creatures have to be magical or ancient to be deadly, what follows are some of the mundane critters that exist today but can give someone a very bad day...

Granted many are found in warmer climates [Africa, Australia, South East Asia] but not everything has to make 100% logical sense when we GM's run a campaign.

Cape buffalo

Cape buffalo do look pretty intimidating, weighing up to 1,840 pounds (835kg) with huge horns curving either side of their heads. Yet they’re actually naturally peaceful, grass-grazing herbivores – unless disturbed. One of four species of African buffalo, they’re generally found in sub-Saharan Africa and are nicknamed “Black Death” by hunters as they’re known to charge, unrelentingly, at speeds of up to 37 miles per hour (60 kmph), especially when protecting a calf. It’s been estimated that they kill as many as 200 people each year.

Golden poison dart frog

This bright little jumper looks pretty unassuming but, in keeping with the general rule that vivid colours often signal danger, it's actually the deadliest of all amphibians. In fact, the golden poison dart frog is believed to be among the most poisonous animals alive. Found in the Colombian rainforest, they grow no bigger than around two inches (5cm) long yet hold enough poison to kill 10 people. The indigenous Emberá people have long used the venom to poison darts for hunting, giving the species its name.

Box jellyfish

Most of the 50-odd species of box jellyfish are relatively harmless but some of the shimmering, hypnotically beautiful creatures are effectively floating death traps, with each tentacle packing an arsenal of poisonous darts. The few lethal varieties are found mainly in the Indo-Pacific region and northern Australia – the Australian box jellyfish is the deadliest of all marine creatures. Those (including humans) unlucky enough to be struck can suffer paralysis, cardiac arrest and even death within minutes.

Hippopotamus

Hippos really are hungry, munching through around 80 pounds (36kg) of grass per day and reaching a hefty weight of up to 8,818 pounds (4,000kg). They are also,

They were cooked in Greece.

ok so its Saturday, so i get to do an update post so lets get into it

wild boar, a shovel with legs

wild boar are neutral mobs that root up the ground, turning grass into dirt, that does not seem big, but, anything from bracken to flowers to trees to grass can grow on that, here's how it works, the game looks at the forest biome, and, if possible forest biomes it borders ( all forest biomes except jungles and flower forests are included here ), then sees what % of blocks exist in that forest (or forests ) and the higher % of a block is nearby that block, the higher chance that block has of growing there, so, 50% of a forest is flowers lets say, so there is roughly a 50% chance that a flower will grow there, but if there is no lets say bracken in the forest, there is roughly a 1% chance bracken will grow there, player based blocks count here,

occasionally a tree sapling will be planted and if you think this will turn forests into blocks of wood, then dont worry, deer may eat the saplings, wild boar may destroy them, and bison may chop them down, fire may burn them, and if there are to many trees in the forest, no sapling will ever grow or be planted by the boar, until the trees are controlled. wild boar can root up bracken, tree saplings, flowers, as well as grass, and lets say you have a flower forest next door, then on the border, there is a high chance flowers will be scattered, allowing for the biomes to integrate. wild boar can be tamed with carrots, they will then turn into pigs, they can be bread with potato's, and spawn in all forest biomes except jungle , plus plains. they spawn in groups of 4 - 10 boar and are preyed apron by, lynx, wolves and hawks will kill baby boar. they wallow in dirt at river sides, cleaning them selves.

wild boar also drop porkchops on death, but they only drop 0 - 1 so better tame them for better results.

https://preview.redd.it/4oxv4sld7c281.png?width=337&format=png&auto=webp&s=3875c00cb844f7e30e3d95bf28cc9e6b8544bc0f

bison, stomachs on legs ( no not literally )

bison as you can guess by there nickname they are very hungry and they are huge, 3 blocks tall, 2.9 blocks long, and 1.3 blocks wide. they are neutral mobs that prefer plains and open forests ( forests with a lot of space between trees so not dark oak ( although they may live on the outskirts of dark oak forests.)) they are also found in snowy biomes, and in extreme hills and all similar variants, flower forests and mountain meadows a

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

[Removed]

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

Do your worst!

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.