Stinkin’ boss sacked me from the M & M factory...

Said I was a Smartie for throwing out all the ones that looked like Ws...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my boss, β€œSorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny joke

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says β€œthis is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says β€œwell maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying β€œI’m a light bulb” and the boss says β€œmaybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks β€œwhere do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies β€œyou expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a promotion at the crematorium.

My boss told me I urned it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgejano11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Boss: How’s the new glue?

Me: It kinda sucks

Boss: Just stick with it

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stephen2274
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Need help with a pun

I work for a flooring company and my boss asked me to design some merch. He asked for a flooring pun I could put on a T Shirt. Any ideas??

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raistrikk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I love working at the chip factory...

But my boss really Lays in on me, and it Ruffles my feathers

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A mafia boss hired a hitman to take down a few pines in his front yard

The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?' The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: *arriving at the office after lunch in a nice red dress.*

My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!

Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kjarkr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone thinks I'm funny...

My boss just texted me: β€œSend me one of your funny jokes!” I texted him back: β€œI’m busy working. I’ll send one later.” β€œThat’s hilarious,” he said. β€œSend another one!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dane-Direct
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

β€œSir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised, and was silent for a minute or two. Finally, he asked me

β€œFur-eel man?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Call in sick

Bill Johnson called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I cannot come work today, I am really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my leg hurts, I cannot come work."

The boss says: "Bill I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Bill calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. By the way you got nice house.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I may get fired or promoted... not sure...

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife groaned at this one (Not in the sexy way either...)

One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.

Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.

(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)

Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."

Wife: "What?! Why?"

Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."

Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.

Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)

Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!

Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hephaestus1219
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Two factory workers talking

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: β€œI can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: β€œAnd how would you do that?”
Woman: β€œJust wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: β€œWhat are you doing?”
Woman: β€œI’m a light bulb.”
Boss: β€œYou’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: β€œWhere are you going?”
The man says: β€œI’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hussainsalimdubai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A fart was walking down the street when it saw another fart crying & asked "what's wrong?"

The other fart replied "my boss let me go"

(told to me by me dad at dinner tonight)

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nthensome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 440
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Asked my boss how her morning was going.

Me: Hey boss how's the morning going?

Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor.

Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds.

Boss: Glaring Intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paisano66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Conversation with my boss

Boss: are you any good at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Is that a Microsoft joke?

Me: Word

πŸ‘︎ 167
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Martycus
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report
On my first day as undertaker, I managed to drop the coffin as I was loading it onto the car.

My boss was supportive and told me I just had to rehearse it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Berd89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Me: Ok, 45 past 60.

Boss: You’re fired.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Just got hired and I'm already *that* employee

Me: (assembling boxes) i'll watch out for that plant.

Boss: yes please do, i've had that fern since it was just a sprout.

Me: awww. they grow up so fast.

Boss: yes. it'll probably start going to college soon.

Me: think it'll go to an... ivy league?

Boss: ...

Me: ...

Boss: ...

Me: ...so yeah I'll just pack these boxes and watch out for the plant.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winnersbitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
🚨︎ report
You Workday Pun

Me: What's that boss? My boss: holding up a couple of bags of bread that weren't cooked all the way through Oh this is bread that wasn't cooked all the way. It's still kind of uncooked in the middle. Me: Yikes. I guess that's a lot of dough lost for us huh? My boss: groans Yes OP.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xolivas22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
You're under arrest!

My boss' 7 year old daughter came to work and ran up to me with this one:

"You're under arrest!" "For what?! You have no proof!" thinks to herself before running to get box packing tape "I have the security tape right here!"

πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MetroPolitan23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The worst train driver ever.

My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this year?”

I said, β€œI'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matjes003
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
That'll show him

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

πŸ‘︎ 988
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
🚨︎ report
We all know there is a dad out there like this....

Boss- β€œHow good are you at PowerPoint?”

Me- β€œI excel at it”

Boss” β€œWas that a Microsoft office pun?”

Me- β€œ Word”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TylerMeiz18
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
So I dadjoked the hell out of my dadjoking boss

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ejh3k
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a club with friends. There was a huge nordic/viking looking ass bouncer He let us through looking intimidating as fuck but whatever. Dancing and drinking. This chick grinding on me. Getting flirty and introduce herself. Her name is Sky. Drag me to the toilet hinting she wants the D.

Sucks dick like a pro. Doesn't let me cum and wants me to eat her ass.

Suddenly huge bouncer from before barges in and shoves me away with an unrelenting force. Proceed eats out Sky's ass like a boss

Yells "Sky's rim belongs to the nords"

(sorry for long post but friend sent this to me and i have no idea where it goes, could use some help)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_Mark_Is_OP
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites. The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'

'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'

'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.

'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.

'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'

'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'

'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'

So the asshole went on strike.

A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.

Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'

...and that's why all bosses are assholes."

Miss ya, Pops.

πŸ‘︎ 728
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paprikashi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Wasn't sure if my boss was a dad or not, until he hit me with this gold.

Coworker: You do know that those chips have ethanol in them right?

Boss: turns around and looks at me I GUESS THAT'S WHY I AM FULL OF GAS!

πŸ‘︎ 170
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaneTK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked at work

Me announcing to others about getting the plan we've been working on rolling: "... I'll write an email..."

My boss: "You write emails? I always typed them"

other co-workers: nodding, nods, faces of agreement

me: groan

cheers of laughter ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 868
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aufleur
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My boss is definitely a dad.

I walk into the office after two weeks of vacation, and my boss is reading a book.

Me: "Good morning, brother."

Him: "Hey, hey."

Me: "I missed you man, how you been?"

Him: "I've been right here, you need to aim better. -Flips page- ...But I've been good."

EDIT: Formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 506
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/V13Axel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my boss during a stocktake tonight

I was scanning bays 400-415 and when I reached bay 404 I turned to my boss and said with a straight face "I just got an error. It's saying the bay cannot be found..." He asked what bay I was up to and I told him 404.

He looked at me with an unimpressed face while a colleague said that was beyond nerdy. I chuckled to myself for the next few minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 695
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Khanicus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

πŸ‘︎ 736
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_ginger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Cracked a dad joke at work today.

So we get a book sent to our library, it was a little kids book called "I know all the letters of the alphabet." Me: looking at book "huh, I know all the letters of the alphabet?" Boss: "Yeah it got sent here by accident." Me: "You know I know only 25 letters of the alphabet." Boss: "Really?" Me: "Yeah I don't know why." Groaning was heard as the joke spread around the office.

πŸ‘︎ 340
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpcod5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Saw just dosen't cut it.

Talking about the condition of one of the power saws at work (construction):

Boss: Do you know if that saw is working properly now? Did (coworker) manage to fix it?
Me: Yeah, it's running now, only problem it that it doesn't cut any longer...
Boss: Huh?
Me: Yeah, it only cuts shorter.

The original conversation was not in English, but the pun works in my native language too.

πŸ‘︎ 232
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2rgeir
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Scan puns

So I work with Honeywell scanners in my business. My boss bought 20 or so scanners and told me to test them out, then give them a name. Running outta good ones and need some help. Time to shine Reddit. Looking for punny scanner names and references

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brbbins1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
🚨︎ report
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"

"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PolarBurrito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
"Hey guys..."

I was playing FFXIV with my husband and one of our friends. We had all been drinking (me more than them).The three of us were all in our living room, and as we approach the final boss area in one of the dungeons we hadn't done before, this rears up out of the water and I shriek, "HEY GUYS! WHAT'S KRAKEN???!!!"

Our friend turned around in his seat with the most disgusted expression on his face, pointed at me, and said, "Get out."

I started giggling so hard I nearly fell off the couch, and sputtered: "Sorry. I'll quit kraken stupid jokes."

Ha. Yayyyy puns. :3

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Karu4Link
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
🚨︎ report
So my boss got me today

Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us:

Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock...

Me - Nice! Sounds like a good gig.

B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory

M - facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natmor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
🚨︎ report
How to get a day off at work

Woman: β€œI can make the boss give me the day off.”Man: β€œAnd how would you do that?”Woman: β€œJust wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.Boss comes in: β€œWhat are you doing?”Woman: β€œI’m a light bulb.”Boss: β€œYou’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”The man starts to follow her and the boss says:β€œWhere are you going?”The man says: β€œI’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Boss texts me: β€œSend me one of your funny jokes!” I reply: β€œI’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

Boss texts me: β€œThat’s hilarious, send me another one!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Office Pun

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"

Me: "I Excel at it"

Boss: "Wait, was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.