Gsus.
His doc said not to worry, it was just an optical contusion.
Interracial porn is great
Divertity
"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"
Stop being so dense.
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chick Peas can hummus one.
I finally got one of those personalized license plates. It says 'BAA BAA, It's for my black Jeep.
With a confused but serious look the officer replied "The (city-name) Police Department doesn't have any balls sir". After my brief chuckle he used the force to arrest me. Not the light force or the dark force. He used excessive force. The light sabers are black and made of wood but they really hurt. The force was strong with that one.
A preliminary investigation confirmed a very large amount of dead birds on the roadway. According to the investigation, an overwhelming majority of these deaths were the result of an impact with an 18-wherler.
The state reached out to Boston College, Harvard, UMass, and MIT and created a team of experts in the fields of transportation, physics, ornithology, and animal psychology. These experts conducted a six-month-long study of the events around the Turnpike. Their goal was to determine why such a large number of birds were being killed by 18-wheelers.
The results of this study revealed that one specific species of crow (the Bostonian black) has a natural defense mechanism that allows it to audibly warn other birds of oncoming vehicles. Over time, the other birds come to depend on this audible warning. Unfortunately, there appears to be a defect in this defense when it comes to warning about the 18-wheelers.
Apparently the crow can say "caw, caw" to warn the other birds but it can't say "twuck, twuck."
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit β‘I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!
Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."
Not exactly a one liner dad joke, but I believe this is part of our duty as fathers to intentionally mess with our kids. I tell my girls all the time that boy zebras are black with white stripes, and that girl zebras are white with black stripes (or vice versa you decide but stay consistent). The look of their face trying to think it through when a zebra is on TV after asking if it's a male/female is priceless and you all should give it a go and share the outcome! Dad-on my fellow pranksters.
Complaining of an upset stomach. The doctor asked what he has eaten in the past 12 hours.
The guy replied "well first I ate a red snooker ball, then a yellow one, then another red ball, then a blue one, then another red ball, then a pink ball, then another red ball, then a black ball"....
The doctor said "Ah, I know what's going on, here's the problem"
The guys eyes lit up and he said "what is it doc?"
Doctor says "not enough greens"
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black oneβs mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: Itβs also mine
So a friend and I were trying to think up pins for a clothing retailer aimed at ghosts. We have yet to come up with anything that we think sounds good.
Here's what we've thought of so far:
Boo21
White House Black Casket
Lazarus
Ouija Maxx
To us, these sound too forced. Looking for others/better ones we couldn't think of.
Me: wears black clothes
Her: I see you're wearing the all black attire tonight
Me: No I'm wearing all black clothes... attire's what cars have
Got a very disappointed smile for that one.
I have a new bird. At the moment he is nameless. I would like an awesome pun name for him but I'm coming up blank. Comment anything you can up with thank you
Woman with one leg - Eileen
Man in a bush - Russell
Man with a seagull on his head - Cliff
Man with a plank of wood on his head - Edward
Man with 3 planks of wood on his head - Edward Woodward
Man with no shins - Tony
Woman with a tennis racket on her head - Annette
Woman who throws away her bills - Bernadette.
Man that comes through the letterbox - Bill.
Woman with her legs on either side of the river - Bridgette.
Man with a large blue, black, and yellow mark on his head - Bruce.
Man with cat scratches on his head - Claude.
Man with a spade on his head - Doug.
Man without a spade on his head - Douglas
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit β‘She bought two cardigans - both same design but one black and one white. I said "So that's Cardi A and the other one's..." I got a big groan.
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says βWhatβs the problem?β
Moth says βI donβt even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and Iβm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and Iβve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters weβve ever had to face in this region. Isnβt it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isnβt that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then thereβs my son. Doc, I donβt love him anymore. I donβt know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasnβt such a coward, Doc, I know Iβd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, Iβd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. Iβm judgemental yet I care about nothing. Iβm bitter, hateful and afraid. Iβm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.β
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says βJeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But Iβm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Whyβd you come in here?β
The moth says,βYour light was on.β
Mangoes does favorite restaurant, finds himself a table and places his order with a waiter. While he is sitting there waiting for his food a large black and white bear like mammal stands up, wipes some crumbs from the corners of his mouth, pulls out a gun, and fires a few rounds into the ceiling and the back wall of the dining room. When the waiter comes with the man's meal the man asks him, "What was that about?" The waiter replies, "Oh, that? That was a panda. It's in their nature. Look it up." The man pulls his phone out and searches "panda" the definition reads, "Panda a large black and white bear like mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.
Disclaimer: I love this one but the bad punctuation element of it peeves me a bit.
A guy walks into a bar with a pig dressed all in black on a leash and orders a beer. "Um, what's with the dressed up pig?" the bartender asks. "It's my pet pig. He's dressed all in black for his own safety. This way no one can bully or harrass him," the guy tells the bartender. "Because Batman is sworn to protect goth ham."
Well, I found a joke about a black hole but it sucks..
I also found one about time travel but you didn't like it..
Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.
Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.
It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car
How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit
What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka
What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope β
Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid
Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS
Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in
Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee
Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee
Pig black belt in karate Pork chop
How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.
You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.
I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out
What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant
did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn
What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio
What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe
Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.
My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief
Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th
... keep reading on reddit β‘A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I finally got one of those personalized license plates. It says 'BAA BAA'," the guy tells the bartender. "It's for my black Jeep."
We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyoneβs advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.
We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think itβs a boy and girl but I donβt actually know. We pick them up next week.
We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.
So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.
We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but chickpeas can only hummus one.
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit β‘Black eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song;
Chickpeas can only hummus one.
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
